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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be disappointed in my DD giving up a club?

40 replies

Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:20

Hi

My DD (9) has been doing Taekwondo for years at the same club at a high level. She’s one belt away from black.

She’s been less interested recently, but interest has ebbed and flowed in the past. A friend’s parent took her along to the friend’s session elsewhere (without my knowledge, and misguided rather than ill-meaning) and DD loved it. I took her along for another trial session which she really enjoyed, but the quality in teaching really isn’t there - it is a massive step down in calibre.

I’ve accepted that I don’t think there’s any worth in insisting DD continues at her existing club and that she’s old enough to choose. I’ll go with her choice if she is adamant because what use is forcing a club on her, but I’m gutted that she’s leaving with less than a year to being a black belt somewhere that is very respected and that she’s done so well at.

AIBU to be pretty disappointed with how this has played out?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 05/09/2025 10:59

I'm a martial arts instructor, albeit not TKD. I'm assuming the grade syllabus she's on is a junior one anyway? If so then I would relax and let her move clubs, especially if she doesn't compete.

What problems have you noticed with the teaching of the second club? Enjoyment matters hugely when it comes to motivating kids and teens long term.

KoiTetra · 05/09/2025 10:58

I would say you have more chance of her giving up totally if you try to make her stay at a club she is no longer enjoying that much.

You said she isn't looking at reaching high level, she's clearly not aiming to make it to national competition level so if that's the case surely her taking part is more important than being at a prestigious club?

Original poster
Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:57

NoodleNuts · 05/09/2025 10:48

The current club is very well respected and more prestigious? Sound like its bothering you more than it is bothering your DD. This matters to which adults exactly?

You say that the way the new club do things will count against her - in what way? Is she planning oin competing, trying out for the Olymics or is she just doing it for fun?

It matters within the sport. There is also something to be said for striving for excellence, which the previous club did whereas newer club seems more ready to let things go rather than seek constant improvement.

The count against her comment was about the way she currently does things being different across the two clubs. The way she is used to doing things is not how the new club wants them done, so there would be relearning things (and relearning less technically in honesty) to meet what they expect. I don’t think she sees this side of it yet, and the extra work to overcome muscle memory this will be.

No Olympic etc aspirations and we’d never be pushing for that.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 10:55

Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:51

She wants to grade, not really interested in pushing for high level competition (totally fine).

She can grade at the potential new club, but will take a lot of learning “their way” which I think at the minute she will be underestimating.

Show quote history

What i used to do when mine wanted to Change things was say they had to do "the term" then happily move them can you say that then she might just get on with it. Seems a shame to get her black belt from the club she started in, the instructors will want to see her achieve it.

speisaalmilk · 05/09/2025 10:53

Is this WTF or ITF tkd? Are either/both of the clubs members of a wider association that hold central black belt gradings or do they have their own very high level black belts to conduct them?

I did tkd to a high level for many years and our club was a member of a wider federation. A master (4th Dan and above) can conduct colour gradings but our black belt gradings were conducted centrally twice a year by a panel of grandmasters. In that system the ‘reputation’ of the club was largely irrelevant and all that would matter was the skill of the practitioner.

I left tkd for various reasons including internal politics/sexism, and the fact that it’s not necessarily the most practical/effective martial art, but taking it for what it is I have a lot of affection for it. I taught kids for years and the most important thing is that they’re having fun, or they won’t stick with it.

ILoveWhales · 05/09/2025 10:51

But the risk of sounding unpopular youve invested a lot of time effort, money and years in this.

Why are children allowed to give up so easily. I would say to her it would be an awful shame for you to give up when you re so close to the top. Reach a compromise and says she's worked so hard at this and you re so very proud of everything she's achieved, and why doesn't she try to obtain the black belt?And if she still doesn't like it after that she can give up.

I would really press her to go as far as black belts and then she can decide.

Original poster
Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:51

Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 10:43

Does she compete will she want to compete ? I think maybe wording it as her club is actually better and she will have better opportunities than the other club. If she genuinely isn't interested in grading then i would just let her move, despite your feelings.

She wants to grade, not really interested in pushing for high level competition (totally fine).

She can grade at the potential new club, but will take a lot of learning “their way” which I think at the minute she will be underestimating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:49

Merrow · 05/09/2025 10:42

I don't know anything about Taekwondo so this might be a nonsense suggestion, but can she do both clubs?

Definitely not, they are similar but have different preferences on how to do certain things and it would be impossible to manage pleasing both.

I suspect there may also be an issue with registering/insurance, but I don’t think it’s worth looking into too much.

OP posts:
NoodleNuts · 05/09/2025 10:48

The current club is very well respected and more prestigious? Sound like its bothering you more than it is bothering your DD. This matters to which adults exactly?

You say that the way the new club do things will count against her - in what way? Is she planning oin competing, trying out for the Olymics or is she just doing it for fun?

Original poster
Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:47

Tillow4ever · 05/09/2025 10:41

Could you try talking to the friend’s mum to persuade her to switch to the better club? Assuming it is genuinely better and a similar price? It sounds like your DD wants to be with her friend - it might be the other mum doesn’t know which club is better.

otherwise, I think you need to follow your daughters lead.

I think this is what I’m hoping for deep down. The club is a little bit more expensive but I think the timings might be more awkward for them.

I definitely agree that the other mum isn’t as clued up, I definitely wasn’t years ago when picking a club but having seen things over the years (at regional days etc.) and now having seen lessons to compare there is a big difference.

That said, my DD is by no means a star pupil/natural so maybe the more chilled environment will keep her interested in exercising longer which would be a huge plus.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 10:43

Does she compete will she want to compete ? I think maybe wording it as her club is actually better and she will have better opportunities than the other club. If she genuinely isn't interested in grading then i would just let her move, despite your feelings.

Merrow · 05/09/2025 10:42

I don't know anything about Taekwondo so this might be a nonsense suggestion, but can she do both clubs?

Tillow4ever · 05/09/2025 10:41

Could you try talking to the friend’s mum to persuade her to switch to the better club? Assuming it is genuinely better and a similar price? It sounds like your DD wants to be with her friend - it might be the other mum doesn’t know which club is better.

otherwise, I think you need to follow your daughters lead.

Original poster
Dumblededum · 05/09/2025 10:39

Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 10:25

Can't she do.her grading at the new club ? Or could you.say she can go once she has her black.belt . She probably just wants to be with her friend I would try and persuade her to.stay first.

Having seen the classes, it’s just more fun. She’s quite separated from her friend all the class due to their levels.

She probably could do her black belt there, but it’s just so much less prestigious (matters to adults but she’s too young to really understand) and I think she’s underestimating the slight differences in the way they do things that will count against her rather than for her.

We’ve said we’ll talk more at the weekend but I’m so conflicted. One side of me wants to push staying where she is for black belt at least (and possibly trying the reverse - getting friend to do that!) but the other part of me wants to listen to her and take her request seriously. I wish she was better with words to talk more about the “why”!

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 10:25

Can't she do.her grading at the new club ? Or could you.say she can go once she has her black.belt . She probably just wants to be with her friend I would try and persuade her to.stay first.