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Original poster

I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

189 replies

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:44

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

OP posts:
ChasingThePuck · 04/09/2025 17:58

If DS needs help he needs to get the bus his sister gets. She is obviously choosing that bus for a reason and it's been a priority to her. Why should she have to wait for her brother.

I think you're in danger of seeming to favourite your DS over DD and that won't help anything at all.

AliceMaforethought · 04/09/2025 17:58

YABU. She isn't his keeper and you shouldn't be angry with her for his mistakes.

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 17:58

Year 9 seems quite young to be in charge of a younger sibling with additional needs, but also, she’s a young teen, it’s the start of term, they’re all over the place.

I think in so far as this arrangement goes the onus is on you to ensure she does have her phone with her.

Give her a break. It’s the start of term, she’s got to nanny her annoying younger brother when she’d probably prefer to hang with her friends.

ConflictofInterest · 04/09/2025 17:57

I think you're underestimating the pressure she might be feeling to avoid the crowds on the way home. My DD walks but does the same thing, she basically runs out of school in order to avoid the horrendous wave of kids with a just broken out of prison vibe charging out a few mins later. If she's even a few minutes late out of the last lesson she hides in the library for 45mins and won't consider going home in between. Who helped her on the bus? Is it possible she also feels a tiny bit of resentment that she has to be the capable one?

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/09/2025 17:56

It's not fair to put the responsibility on her. Also, it's only catching a bus. He would have phoned if he had a problem.

jettisoned · 04/09/2025 17:55

I was the eldest and hated being having to change my routine. To the extent I started finding reasons to stay in school after lessons. I think you need to pick him up if he needs assistance.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 04/09/2025 17:55

I gave DS1 an earful at the same age as he had found a lost Y7 (missed bus stop) with a dead phone. He had phoned the child’s mother but hadn’t waited with them until they were pick up (10 mins). I told him he could file that under could do better.

LegoPicnic · 04/09/2025 17:54

If you think your DS needs help getting to and from school, you need to provide that help not get his sister to do it.

Completely unfair to make an older sibling responsible for a younger one unless the older one is begging to take on this responsibility.

LargeChestofDrawers · 04/09/2025 17:52

Hmmmn. I actually think she should have waited really. But I also think it will sour things quite badly going forward if you get cross with her.

There will be other kids there who don't have older siblings to rely on, so I would just abdicate her of all responsibility and try and make ds look after himself - he's done two days now: he knows where the bus stop is and if you make sure he has his phone (charged) with him each day then you can make sure he gets home okay.

Don't get angry with your dd. It won't serve any purpose even though I can see why you might feel angry. She clearly doesn't want the responsibility and clearly getting the early bus is super important to her - possibly she can't bear school a minute longer and really actually needs to get home to decompress.

Agix · 04/09/2025 17:51

She's not his keeper. You know she wants to get out of school sharpish. It's her brother that needs to play to her schedule with this one, if he is the one that wants help getting on the bus. She shouldn't have to wait on him and carry anxiety about his actions and whereabouts.

Make sure you care as much about your daughter's day, wellbeing, struggles and needs as much as you do your sons. Make sure you're not expecting her to care and nurture others as a priority just because she's female. It's a lot on small shoulders - and she is still a child herself.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 04/09/2025 17:51

I wouldn’t be too cross with her. but i would just reiterate the request. TBH I’m impressed that a 13 year old forgets their phone. Who knew that was a thing?

Original poster
ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:50

OneFootAfterTheOther · 04/09/2025 17:49

Hmm did she agree to the arrangement?

She did. No arguments or anything.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2025 17:50

It's not your daughters responsibility, she clearly does not want to do this either so you need to take the expectation off her.

Her rigidity speaks of her own possible ND issues you haven't picked up on as well.

Did you not do some practice runs with your son yourself?
Why did your son not answer his phone? He needs to be responsible for himself which means remembering to turn his phone on after school and ringer on.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 04/09/2025 17:49

Hmm did she agree to the arrangement?