I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

It’s not her responsibility. There will be other children similar to your ds who don’t have a big sister, and they manage fine.

Old enough? She’s 13. Maybe only just. And is ND herself. Start of term is full on. Presumably she has her own routine that was disrupted.

And can we stop telling girls they need to be kind?

Back in 1976 my mother made the same request if my sister who was in whwtvwr would now call year 11. My sister pointed out to my mum that there had been no one to see her on to the bus when she was 11 and she had coped just fine and she felt I'd cope just as well. That was when there were no mobile phones. I think you are being unfair to your daughter. Your son needs to learn to cope for himself.

You weren't unreasonable to ask her to do this for a couple of weeks and she's old enough to know she should do what she's agreed to do. I'd tell her that she was unkind to abandon her brother and ask if she can please be sure to get the bus with him for the next few days. And tell DS, in her hearing, that he needs to respect DD's time and be punctual. Also make a plan in private for what to do if DD leaves without him again, so you won't be so worried.

This to be honest. She has her routine, it was never going to work.

I suspected you were going to say she was ASD. The not being sure what to do because he wasn’t there when the bus arrived is exactly something my dd would have done at that age.

If her routine is to get on the first bus, it is extremely difficult for her to break that routine. Add in not being able to reach him because she doesn’t have her phone, and getting on the bus will seem logical.

this is one of those moments where you are just going to have to appreciate that it happened and talk to her calmly about what she might do differently next time. She really didn’t do anything wrong. She just made different choices than the ones you would have preferred.

Agree that I can well imagine for an autistic girl at secondary school that sticking to a routine can help her cope better.

She said she didn’t have her phone and didn’t know what to do. No I wouldn’t punish her. What I would do is ask if she was happy to continue the arrangement and explain what I would expect her to do if this happens again e.g. agree with both that if the other isnt at the stop by 4pm (for example) that’s when they head home alone.

To be honest I do the same as @Shitpeas, incentivise bribe my children to do things. If she had known she wouldn’t get a fiver at the end of the week she may have waited longer.

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

I think it sounds like expecting her to change her routine was setting her up to fail really.

DS1 (autistic) struggled with DS2's transition more than I anticipated. They'd been to the same primary school, but 2 years apart meant that DS1 definitely considered DS2's arrival to be an unwelcome invasion.

With autism in the equation, it can throw up some unexpected emotions that are hard to anticipate at the planning stage and the older child doubles down in their own routines and struggles with the flexibility to accomodate their sibling.

I would be angry but I wouldn't prolong it. I'd speak to her and then move on.

I think whatever the rights and wrongs you might have to consider what to do if the arrangement doesn't work. If there are regular busses then I'd focus on teaching your son how to manage by himself and to just go at his pace and get whatever bus. If he can't manage the he needs more reliable help.

My dc got off the bus in that exact same situation. Even though they found their younger sibling annoying.
Yanbu

Did an older sibling take dd home when she just started? I suspect that she didn’t really think it through when she didn’t object or did you take her lack of objection as acceptance? Is it possible that
someone made a comment about her brother and that’s why she’s legging it home? I don’t mean something negative btw, I mean if her brother isn’t there then other people won’t be talking about him sort of thing?

Don’t be angry with her. She made a mistake and it doesn’t seem like she was being malicious. I think what this shows you is that she can’t make good decisions about what to do if things don’t go exactly to plan, as in she didn’t see her brother right away and made a bad call on how to handle that. Her autism is surely a factor, given she was happy to take on the responsibility. You could try to coach them through it, or make a new plan. A meeting point away from the bus stop maybe?

Yes YABU and overreacting. HTH

I think I'd just have made the comment she could have been a kinder sister and that one day sheight need her brother's help.

You know she is autistic and has a set after school routine. I think it’s one of those situations where in hindsight it should become obvious that your plan probably wasn’t going to work.

You need to take on this responsibility until he's capable.
DD has her routine, my daughter would wait on her Dbro in this situation.

It's more there was a plan and she has deviated because she didn't want to wait for 15mins.

She is autistic and you expect her to adjust the routine she’s built up over a couple of years because you’re more concerned about her brother? You do realise that it’s a bit more complex than “she didn’t want to wait” - her brother needed to adapt to her routine.

So what if she was fine with the plan - she’s much too young to know if she can handle this kind of responsibility. Please don’t put responsibility for this on her (also ND!! Why were you thinking?!) just because she agreed to it. She doesn’t know what she’s agreeing to.

Jeez it's 2 weeks. Why can't she put herself out for him? She knew damn well if he wasn't on that first bus that she took then he'd be behind her phone or no phone.
Yes I'd be pissed off with her.

I would be cross too. I think it's unkind of her to leave him on his 2nd day.

It's not like she's doing this forever, it's a favour for her little brother for a couple of weeks.

From experience though, if the older one is reluctant, it helps if you incentivise them to help out. For instance I pay my elder child to look after the younger one sometimes.

Hmmm... if ds can't manage to get the bus himself then you need to make provision for that, either get him yourself or organise with someone prepared to (and pay them accordingly), it's not your dds job, it would be nice if she offered but ds is your responsibility not hers