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Original poster

I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

189 replies

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:44

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation.

My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new.

Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end.

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world.

I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

OP posts:
Itdoesntmatteranyway · 04/09/2025 18:31

Not what you are asking but that was really kind of DS friend and if you can I’d let his parents know.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:30

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

Clearly not, though.

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:30

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:25

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me...

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Oh for goodness sake. I don't know every single thing about every single person with autism, no. Not everyone with autism is the same.

Quitelikeit · 04/09/2025 18:29

I understand you asking her but I can’t comprehend your reaction

Are you the parent/adult here?

or the sulky teen?

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:29

I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there.

This is appalling treatment. Giving a child the silent treatment is disgusting.

Caerulea · 04/09/2025 18:29

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

After your description of how she leaves school I was looking for this comment.

You're in the wrong here, I'm afraid.

LegoPicnic · 04/09/2025 18:28

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

Parents don’t always have realistic expectations

Quitelikeit · 04/09/2025 18:28

What I absolutely disagree with is the fact you are not speaking to her?!

Grow the hell up!

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:28

Ok giving that OP knows her DD better than anyone on here and felt that she should be able to deal with looking out for her younger brother then maybe she is?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:27

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:25

Actually, and I know people will say I'm unreasonable for this DD is actually a DS. I changed some info to avoid being identifying but didn't expect people to latch onto the sex so much. It's two brothers. Doesn't really change anything but all the comments about girls being kind and all that obviously doesn't apply. I expect all three of my boys to be kind anyway.

Yes, I did the journey with DS 2 years ago for about 3 or 4 days until he was comfortable. He's a September bday and younger sibling is a summer baby so possibly that clouds my judgement also. Older DS was 12 by the time he started school whereas younger is not long 11.

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So why aren't you doing the journey with your younger DS in the same way? Confused

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:26

Also the girl didn't just ditch him randomly. Not having her phone messed up her own routine and she said she didn't know what to do.

That's perfectly understandable

Original poster
ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:25

MyHangryLilacWriter · 04/09/2025 18:19

But was there someone to help your daughter 2 years ago? I suspect not. So both ND but for some reason the girl has to put herself out to accommodate her brother. That is so unfair.

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Actually, and I know people will say I'm unreasonable for this DD is actually a DS. I changed some info to avoid being identifying but didn't expect people to latch onto the sex so much. It's two brothers. Doesn't really change anything but all the comments about girls being kind and all that obviously doesn't apply. I expect all three of my boys to be kind anyway.

Yes, I did the journey with DS 2 years ago for about 3 or 4 days until he was comfortable. He's a September bday and younger sibling is a summer baby so possibly that clouds my judgement also. Older DS was 12 by the time he started school whereas younger is not long 11.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:25

And if the responsibility was being given to the 13yo then all of the scenarios should have been run through -

How long to wait, what to do if he didn't turn up, he should have been told what to do if she didn't, what to do if they couldn't get in touch with each other...

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:25

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:12

You weren't unreasonable to ask her to do this for a couple of weeks and she's old enough to know she should do what she's agreed to do. I'd tell her that she was unkind to abandon her brother and ask if she can please be sure to get the bus with him for the next few days. And tell DS, in her hearing, that he needs to respect DD's time and be punctual. Also make a plan in private for what to do if DD leaves without him again, so you won't be so worried.

Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me...

Mrsttcno1 · 04/09/2025 18:24

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:22

Wow I really can’t believe the amount of people saying that it isn’t her responsibility or that she is “only 13”
OP was only asking for the first week or two not the whole year, it had been agreed with by all involved and she should have waited.
There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old to have a small (with the emphasis on small) amount of responsibility for a sibling. Jeez people get a grip

Expecting a 13 year old autistic child to change their routine like this is like telling the grass not to grow- it’s not as easy as that.

Hairshare · 04/09/2025 18:24

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 18:14

Old enough? She’s 13. Maybe only just. And is ND herself. Start of term is full on. Presumably she has her own routine that was disrupted.

And can we stop telling girls they need to be kind?

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I'm not suggesting OP shouts at her, but DD had promised to see her brother home, and there's no reason that her mum should not calmly point this out and mention that it was upsetting for her brother.
Of course girls shouldn't be expected to be kind all the time, but that doesn't mean kindness doesn't matter. Thirteen is plenty old enough to see a younger sibling home. I'm sure her mum wouldn't have asked if it was too complicated or stressful for her.
But we obviously disagree on this one and perhaps there's not much to be gained by arguing about it.

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:23

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:22

Wow I really can’t believe the amount of people saying that it isn’t her responsibility or that she is “only 13”
OP was only asking for the first week or two not the whole year, it had been agreed with by all involved and she should have waited.
There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old to have a small (with the emphasis on small) amount of responsibility for a sibling. Jeez people get a grip

Expecting an autistic 13 year old to change their routine is a big ask.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 18:23

I think expecting a diagnosed autistic teen to change their routine for their little sibling was setting them both up to fail.

If you don't feel your DS is old enough to get himself to and from school safely, then it's your job as his parent to go with him, or give him a lift etc.

Kettledodger · 04/09/2025 18:22

Wow I really can’t believe the amount of people saying that it isn’t her responsibility or that she is “only 13”
OP was only asking for the first week or two not the whole year, it had been agreed with by all involved and she should have waited.
There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old to have a small (with the emphasis on small) amount of responsibility for a sibling. Jeez people get a grip

BrainlessBoiledFrog · 04/09/2025 18:22

I really don’t think it is fair that you put this expectation on a 13 year old Dd let alone when she is autistic. I would certainly not shout at her - it was your own expectations here that seem unrealistic given the fact you have a routine driven autistic daughter who likes to get bus early and an adhd son who won’t be as good at time keeping or as routine driven in the same way. If you are worried can you not get bus to meet son? Or ask a grown up at school for support to ensure he gets bus? But perhaps if he had managed to get bus by self this is sign he can do it alone anyway. But either way it should not be autistic DD responsibility

Bogpinkbear · 04/09/2025 18:21

So who helped her on day 2 ?

IPM · 04/09/2025 18:21

This is overkill OP.

The bus goes virtually door to door.

You said you practiced with him over Summer and now your DD has to escort him for two weeks???

She did it on the first day and that should've been enough for you.

Otherwise it's something you need to take responsibility for yourself.

ARichtGoodDram · 04/09/2025 18:20

I'm just more annoyed she made the plan and was fine with it and then did her own thing practically 1st chance

You seem to be completely ignoring that not having her phone left her not knowing what to do.

Back at school, out of her routine because of your request, and then without her phone is a lot to deal with.

MyHangryLilacWriter · 04/09/2025 18:19

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 17:59

She is ND (autistic), diagnosed before DS.

Yes, I did practice with DS over the summer. I was more worried he would wait for his sister as that was the plan, maybe he thought she hadn't come out yet and he would just wait, rather than him being unable to get home IYSWIM. Their school is not in a familiar area. I have spoken to him about the phone issue. He didn't call or check his phone as he knows it's only for emergencies on the school route. Because DDs friend saw him and said he should just get he bus with her he didn't really think it was an issue, he wouldn't have connected the dots DD would arrive before him and I would be worried, as far as he was concerned he was just getting the bus home.

I know it's not her responsibility hence letting them know it was for a week or two. She also was fine with the plan, generally no problems letting me know when she doesn't want to do something! If she had said she wouldn't wait I would have made sure DS knew to just make his own way home. It's more there was a plan and she has deviated because she didn't want to wait for 15mins.

Show quote history

But was there someone to help your daughter 2 years ago? I suspect not. So both ND but for some reason the girl has to put herself out to accommodate her brother. That is so unfair.

Original poster
ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 18:17

WhatNoRaisins · 04/09/2025 18:06

I think whatever the rights and wrongs you might have to consider what to do if the arrangement doesn't work. If there are regular busses then I'd focus on teaching your son how to manage by himself and to just go at his pace and get whatever bus. If he can't manage the he needs more reliable help.

Yes, you're right. DS is capable of getting the bus and can do so on his own it's just our plan had been for them to be on the same bus for the start of term. I'm just more annoyed she made the plan and was fine with it and then did her own thing practically 1st chance. She has to pelt out to get the early bus (in fact she only manages to get it once or twice a week) so it's unlikely anyone on day 2 will manage that. If she'd said she would wait if the bus came before DS that would have been fine because I'd have just told DS to make his own way home.

As I say I was more upset DS might have been wandering looking for her because she said she would wait and didn't.

OP posts: