I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

As someone with autism, let me tell you that there is a massive difference between accepting I missed the bus because of my own actions, and having to miss the bus because of someone else's actions. It's not rational, but it's true.

And yes, she was asking him to do something majorly disruptive - his routine has just changed (end of school holidays, new school year) and now his mum is wanting him to take responsibility for his brother instead of taking that responsibility herself. It may not seem like a big deal for most children, but for someone with autism, it really is. It's not being infantilising to appreciate how important routine is and to allow them to stick with what works.

Also, the DS1 was not being selfish - they were in a desperate need to get out of school because things had gone wrong and that need (which is the same as a physical need in their mind) trumped all else.

Wow. YABU.

You seem very rigid in your expectations of your ASD DD.

I think it’s rubbish being the eldest and asked to take on parenting responsibilities …why is exactly is she so keen to get home so fast..that sounds mildly worrying…why is that so important to her?

Yes, let's just totally ignore the Year 9's autism and need for routine and rush in to criticise, shall we?

It was likely the phone that threw the routine. The older child wanted or to them needed to get home NOW because another part of their day had gone wrong.

Even with the updates, I still think yanbu. It's really, really not much to ask, is it? Wait for a sibling for five minutes for the first few days of school?

People are arguing that the eldest's autism diagnosis is relevant in that being asked to do this has thrown out their routine, but OP has pointed out that he actually only manages to get this early bus once or twice a week, most of the time they don't manage to get out in time. So a) it's not like had DS1 waited he would have been hanging around for ages, and b) he doesn't have a 'set routine' that was disrupted by getting the later bus, the later bus is the bus he gets most often anyway.

While people are saying that the OP expects too much of DS1 given he is also diagnosed, it's equally important not to infantilise DC with autism. DS1 has been catching the bus alone for 2 years, she's not asking him for anything majorly disruptive or intimidating, just make sure his younger brother is also on the same bus he normally gets himself anyway. Key to me is the fact that he agreed to do it, and then changed his mind on day 2! OP said he doesn't have a problem saying if he doesn't want to do something.

Autism can absolutely be an issue in terms of disruptive routine, following instructions etc but there's not any proven link between autism and being selfish - in fact it's very common for people with autism to be very hot on doing the 'right' thing and if you've said X will happen then X SHOULD happen. In this case DS1 agreed to do X and then didn't, so he's the one disrupting the routine/agreement.

It's not fair to expect your DD to shepherd her brother, particularly if he's slow or dawdles, or doesn't respect her timetable.

It would be kind of her to help her brother, but it's not her job.

My siblings used to do stuff like this for me. My mum would always slip them a fiver for the week or if we were too broke for that she would let them have an extra hour gaming to make it fair.

It’s not really her responsibility to be minding your DS, it’s a nice thing to do, but at the end of the day it’s not her job. I do think you’re overreacting a bit.

You need to give him credit for coping ok. The situation wasn't ideal but by the sounds of it he managed and is more capable than you think.

I despair for our culture that a year 9 child cant be expected to do a small thing for a sibling. Honestly our atomised society in a nutshell ahd why so many young people are self absorbed

I don’t understand why you didn’t do the same with your DS2 as you did with DS1, given that DS2 is younger than DS1 was when he started secondary.

What’s your plan going forward?

I have two kids who are a bit older than yours. My view is that they are just not very good when something unexpected happens. For the simple reason that they just don’t have the life experience to know what to do. Your eldest said he didn’t know what to do so he came home. At least partly so that you could figure it out for him.

I have the same arrangement with my DD. She was keen to leave as well but phoned me first to tell me she was going to leave him and I told her to wait.

Stop making your dd responsible for your child.
You are going to build up.maddive resentment between them.
Your catastrophising is not her problem.

But fine I've taken all the advice on board. I've spoken to both and we've got a new plan. Which is they don't wait for each other at all.

Well done for taking it all on board.

I'm seeing this entirely differently to some in here. It's not even about being responsible for getting her brother home in a sense, but about keeping promises. She agreed to meet someone and left them in the lurch. Not okay, he might have waited for her and gotten worried when she didn't turn up. That would equally apply to a friend.

There's also a discussion about it not being DDs responsibility. I think teens do have responsibilities to their parents and to their siblings and if her brother needed someone to take the bus with him and she was already there in the same place and fully capable of doing what was required, then of course she should help him. Families look out for each other, even when it's inconvenient.

This.

My parents used to hold me responsible for my younger sister. I resented her well into adulthood (she has no special needs, but they still held me responsible for her into our twenties), when I finally actually thought properly about our relationship and realised it was actually nothing to do with her personally and all to do with my parents abdicating responsibility and expecting me to do what they should have been doing, and setting up a generally weird dynamic in which she was perpetually infantilised and I was parentified. It did neither of us any good, nor our relationship, obviously.

extra-especially siblings with SEN

All whilst ignoring the 13yos SEN...

That's suddenly irrelevant when babysitting is needed.

So did the younger child get home ok?

Shame you don’t have more understanding that ND impacts people in different ways then

@LegoPicnic makes no difference in my opinion. Older sibling isn't being asked to look after the younger for a week whilst mum goes to Vegas. Being ND isn't a get out of jail free card. And I say that as an ND person.

So, the fact that the older son has SEN himself isn't a consideration? He should just set that aside somehow?