Page 3 | I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

ThePuffinMan · 2025-09-04T16:44:15+00:00

I have a tendency to overreact and catastrophize with my oldest, which I am working on but just wanted to get a sense check on this situation. My DS has just started senior school, it's a bus ride away on the other side of the city. Bus stop next to the school and close to our house so not a difficult journey but DS isn't particularly travel savvy (ADHD and Dyslexia). His older sibling is in Y9 at the same school and I'd asked her to get the bus home with him for the first two weeks of term. Not sit with him or pay him on the bus, just make sure he gets on the bus and off at the right stop. I'd emphasized to both that this was temporary while DS gets his bearings, 1-2 weeks maximum. DD is single minded in that she tries to get the bus straight after school, so no chatting to friends, makes sure she has everything from her locker before last lesson and zooms out of last lesson quick as she can. I'd warned DS not to take too much time getting out of school but has also said to DD that obviously he might not be as quick, given he's so new. Today is day 2, DD arrived home alone and said she had forgotten her phone this morning and didn't see DS at the stop so she didn't know what to do and just came straight home. I can tell by the time she got home she clearly got the bus which leaves a few minutes after school finishes so hadn't waited more than 5mins before abandoning DS. I panicked when I realised what had happened, DS wasn't picking up his phone and I didn't know if he would but waiting around school or the bus stop for DD or whether he would know to get on the bus without her. Long story short one of DDs friends saw him and realised what happened so she got the bus with him. All fine in the end. I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there. I think the fact she didn't even wait 5mins is awful. The buses come every 15/20mins so if you miss one it's not the end of the world. I'm just curious to see how annoyed other people would be. It's only the second day and I had made it clear it wasn't going to be for long. She's not getting this early bus with friends as most don't get out in time. AIBU in being angry with her?

HazelHedgehog · 05/09/2025 18:07

I would be cross. It's called being family and getting head out your arse and look at other people's needs. She should have waited.

gravyscald · 05/09/2025 18:02

"As I say I was more upset DS might have been wandering looking for her because she said she would wait and didn't."

This is the bit I'd be annoyed about too @ThePuffinMan

NarnianQueen · 04/09/2025 22:14

What would you do if he didn’t have an older sibling at the same school?

BengalBangle · 04/09/2025 22:04

Scentedjasmin · 04/09/2025 21:21

I disagree re the comments that she's not his keeper or responsible for him. As an older sibling she had been told to take care of him and she didn't. She doesn't have to agree to do it. At her age it is perfectly reasonable for you to give her instructions. Family should be there for each other. I would point out all the times that you do things to help and support her.
I think that she, however, didn't think things through. Perhaps you needed to be more explicit and say that she must not come home without him. I would tell her that you were disappointed, explain how you then didn't know whether to pick him up or where he was and how stressed you felt. Also remind her how overwhelming starting secondary school can be to start off with. I wouldn't punish her, unless she does it again.

I disagree, from the perspective of being the younger sibling (I'm AuDHD) of a sibling (also AuDHD).
My sister (2 years above) was expected to look out for me when I first went to secondary, including ensuring I got home for the first few weeks.
She agreed when my Mum asked (told) her because that is what my Mum wanted to hear and she tried hard to be 'okay' with it. It was too much pressure for her, so she gave up.after a few days.
OP said she supported her eldest for the first few days when he (originally posited as 'she' 🙄) started, so not sure why the same could not be done for the DS that has just started).

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/09/2025 22:01

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 18:01

So what if she was fine with the plan - she’s much too young to know if she can handle this kind of responsibility. Please don’t put responsibility for this on her (also ND!! Why were you thinking?!) just because she agreed to it. She doesn’t know what she’s agreeing to.

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Year 9 is 13-14 yrs old. She's not to young imo, there are other things going on here.

tigger1bounce · 04/09/2025 21:55

You should not put the responsibility on your child, to get your other child home from school. Sorry but that is your job. Imagine the guilt they would feel if anything were to happen to their sibling on the way home, even if it was unavoidable, it's a no no from me.

I don't think it was a bad decision to get your eldest DS out of the way while you got yourself together. I would just speak to him,,explain he is not in trouble and the plan is obviously not going to work, so you will sort something else.

autienotnaughty · 04/09/2025 21:53

I would be annoyed. It’s not a big ask and he agreed to do it. I’d be clear there would be a consequence if he does it again

Scentedjasmin · 04/09/2025 21:21

I disagree re the comments that she's not his keeper or responsible for him. As an older sibling she had been told to take care of him and she didn't. She doesn't have to agree to do it. At her age it is perfectly reasonable for you to give her instructions. Family should be there for each other. I would point out all the times that you do things to help and support her.
I think that she, however, didn't think things through. Perhaps you needed to be more explicit and say that she must not come home without him. I would tell her that you were disappointed, explain how you then didn't know whether to pick him up or where he was and how stressed you felt. Also remind her how overwhelming starting secondary school can be to start off with. I wouldn't punish her, unless she does it again.

MargaretThursday · 04/09/2025 21:21

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 19:44

He doesn't actually have a need for routine, he's not textbook autistic (whatever that means 😆). He likes to get back early because he feels put out his friends at a different school get home early. I actually find he's more like descriptions of inattentive ADHD (like me) but his diagnostic team dismissed it.

It's fine though, they are both chilling and comparing teachers now.

I had actually forgotten it in the midst of things but on Tuesday night when I was asking if I should shadow them on the bus it was older DS who actually suggested I didn't and it was better to just get on with it. If I'd remembered that conversation earlier I might have been more annoyed!

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Ds doesn't appear to have a need for routine either almost all of the time. He can cope with things changing, and him missing the bus etc.

But what I've gradually realised is that things that don't seem a biggie to other people can't be very stressful for him. If he misses a bus, or the bus doesn't come, he can roll his eyes and cope. But waiting around for someone else, not knowing if they'll be there for the next bus, and seeing his bus go, would really throw him.
I've also increasingly realised how much he needs to get home asap after things like school, even after a good day. He needs to get into his safe space.
When he's got his head set on getting home and into the safe space then asking him to wait 10 minutes when he could be on his way is real agony for him.

ForgetMeNotRose · 04/09/2025 21:07

I think it's better to think about her bus routine as something she needs to do rather than something she wants to do.

ForgetMeNotRose · 04/09/2025 21:06

Perhaps she agreed to it because she thought she would be able to do it and it sounded reasonable in principle but when the time came she couldn't. These kinds of things can be extremely stressful for some autistic people.

Momtotwokids · 04/09/2025 20:57

BotterMon · 04/09/2025 18:00

Jeez it's 2 weeks. Why can't she put herself out for him? She knew damn well if he wasn't on that first bus that she took then he'd be behind her phone or no phone.
Yes I'd be pissed off with her.

I thought it was just me who thought she could have helped out. What is with being a village and helping but not her brother.

BengalBangle · 04/09/2025 20:50

I think it's really, really unfair to place this expectation upon a Year 9 Autistic kid.
You opened your post with acknowledging you're prone to overreacting and catastrophising with her.
Are you also ND, OP?

PurpleThistle7 · 04/09/2025 20:45

My daughter is ND and has strong feelings about routines and structure. In her mind she would have stuck to the plan as he was late and her bus was there. The issue with this setup is that ND children are notoriously bad at inventing rules. You needed to be more clear about your expectations - ‘you should wait at this stop until your brother arrives.’ Not the ‘please don’t be late for your sister and please look after him’. That sort of conversation would mean nothing to my daughter.

I wouldn’t keep this setup as it’s not fair on her.

Original poster

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 20:39

KarmenPQZ · 04/09/2025 20:30

Well he made it home fine so do you think there’s a chance you’re just underestimating him.

although on the other hand if you’re so concerned and school is in such an unfamiliar area (why?) did you not prep him with somethings that could happen outside of plan A and ask how he would deal with them?

it sounds like you asked too much from your daughter but you don’t seem to understand that.

I have prepped both for the unexpected, delayed bus, cancelled services, forgetting money for fare. I just hadn't prepped for the older sibling not doing what they had said on the 2nd day. I possibly do also underestimate DS11.

So I agree with most people, although I don't think seeing 14yo DS at the door without his brother (I actually thought they were playing a prank) and sending him to his room for a bit (with TV and PC and his lost phone) is that terrible whilst I rang DS11 and tried to figure out what I should do. I didn't shout, beat him or cry, I just asked him to go upstairs. I didn't give him the silent treatment, I knew I was emotional so I made sure DS didn't bear the brunt.

OP posts:

KarmenPQZ · 04/09/2025 20:30

Well he made it home fine so do you think there’s a chance you’re just underestimating him.

although on the other hand if you’re so concerned and school is in such an unfamiliar area (why?) did you not prep him with somethings that could happen outside of plan A and ask how he would deal with them?

it sounds like you asked too much from your daughter but you don’t seem to understand that.

prelovedusername · 04/09/2025 20:27

You panicked, understandably so.

I don’t think your DS will be psychologically damaged because you were unreasonably sharp with him. Make your peace with him, explain why you were so upset and why it matters that he sticks to a commitment, and work out what you’re going to do tomorrow.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 20:23

thevassal · 04/09/2025 20:12

but if it was that important for DS1 to catch the first bus he should have explained it to OP when she first asked if he could wait for his brother. She was very clear in explaining that what she was asking might mean a break in his routine and not doing what he wanted/made him comfortable, and he still said yes, even though OP confirmed he's very comfortable otherwise saying no if it's not something he feels comfortable with. It's not as though they'd been getting the early bus every day and she sprung it on him last minute that he'd need to get a late bus today - they got the late bus the day before.

If DS1 is old enough to understand that messing up his routine and what has been agreed will upset him then he's old enough to understand it will also upset his little brother, but he did it anyway.

I understand that his autism can explain why he did it, but for me it doesn't magically absolve him of all fault, responsibility and care for others. You can have understandable reasons for doing something but doesn't make it the right thing to do. I think it's fine for OP to understand why he did it, but also be disappointed both that he didn't look out for his brother and went back on what he had voluntarily agreed.

It's not a black and white scenario where either party was completely wrong or completely right. You can appreciate that it's not fair for an autistic child to react the exact same way/hold them to the same standard as a neurotypical one, but that doesn't mean you have to go the completely opposite way and have no expectations of them at all and say they can't be blamed from/learn anything. It is possible to be autistic and be capable of prioritising others' comfort over your own.

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The DS is only 14 - he's not going to be able to understand the importance of sticking to his routine yet. I'm 36 and still have shutdowns when my routine is disturbed (yes, even if I know about it in advance). It's not something I can easily explain to another person and I certainly couldn't have explained it to anyone at fourteen, that's for sure.

I guess I feel that the DS shouldn't have ever been put in that situation in the first place, which is why I'm empathetic to him. OP should be disappointed with herself for not putting the right support in place for both her children on the first day, not disappointed in her eldest for not taking on that role.

I also never said anything about having no expectations but they need to be realistic, which these ones weren't.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 04/09/2025 20:19

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 19:08

I know, that's why I did the sense check on MN and didn't react/catastrophize at first.

I'm actually super similar to my oldest which is possibly why I can be a little shorter. I'm working on it as I know it's not good.

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Sending your child to their room and giving them silent treatment isnt reacting and catastrophizing? I sent DD upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet, I am so disappointed she left him there....

Original poster

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 20:15

NoThanksNeeded · 04/09/2025 20:00

All I'm hearing is "I don't understand my son"

He probably didn't want you catching the bus because he'd have died from embarrassment having his Mum there...

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I got that...but he knew that meant he would get the bus with younger ds. As I say I hadn't even remembered that conversation until now but it was actually older DS encouraging me not to come along and he would sort out younger DS. If I'd remembered that conversation I probably wouldn't have asked if I was unreasonable in the first case!

OP posts:

thevassal · 04/09/2025 20:12

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 19:25

As someone with autism, let me tell you that there is a massive difference between accepting I missed the bus because of my own actions, and having to miss the bus because of someone else's actions. It's not rational, but it's true.

And yes, she was asking him to do something majorly disruptive - his routine has just changed (end of school holidays, new school year) and now his mum is wanting him to take responsibility for his brother instead of taking that responsibility herself. It may not seem like a big deal for most children, but for someone with autism, it really is. It's not being infantilising to appreciate how important routine is and to allow them to stick with what works.

Also, the DS1 was not being selfish - they were in a desperate need to get out of school because things had gone wrong and that need (which is the same as a physical need in their mind) trumped all else.

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but if it was that important for DS1 to catch the first bus he should have explained it to OP when she first asked if he could wait for his brother. She was very clear in explaining that what she was asking might mean a break in his routine and not doing what he wanted/made him comfortable, and he still said yes, even though OP confirmed he's very comfortable otherwise saying no if it's not something he feels comfortable with. It's not as though they'd been getting the early bus every day and she sprung it on him last minute that he'd need to get a late bus today - they got the late bus the day before.

If DS1 is old enough to understand that messing up his routine and what has been agreed will upset him then he's old enough to understand it will also upset his little brother, but he did it anyway.

I understand that his autism can explain why he did it, but for me it doesn't magically absolve him of all fault, responsibility and care for others. You can have understandable reasons for doing something but doesn't make it the right thing to do. I think it's fine for OP to understand why he did it, but also be disappointed both that he didn't look out for his brother and went back on what he had voluntarily agreed.

It's not a black and white scenario where either party was completely wrong or completely right. You can appreciate that it's not fair for an autistic child to react the exact same way/hold them to the same standard as a neurotypical one, but that doesn't mean you have to go the completely opposite way and have no expectations of them at all and say they can't be blamed from/learn anything. It is possible to be autistic and be capable of prioritising others' comfort over your own.

NoThanksNeeded · 04/09/2025 20:00

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 19:44

He doesn't actually have a need for routine, he's not textbook autistic (whatever that means 😆). He likes to get back early because he feels put out his friends at a different school get home early. I actually find he's more like descriptions of inattentive ADHD (like me) but his diagnostic team dismissed it.

It's fine though, they are both chilling and comparing teachers now.

I had actually forgotten it in the midst of things but on Tuesday night when I was asking if I should shadow them on the bus it was older DS who actually suggested I didn't and it was better to just get on with it. If I'd remembered that conversation earlier I might have been more annoyed!

Show quote history

All I'm hearing is "I don't understand my son"

He probably didn't want you catching the bus because he'd have died from embarrassment having his Mum there...

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 19:46

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 19:44

He doesn't actually have a need for routine, he's not textbook autistic (whatever that means 😆). He likes to get back early because he feels put out his friends at a different school get home early. I actually find he's more like descriptions of inattentive ADHD (like me) but his diagnostic team dismissed it.

It's fine though, they are both chilling and comparing teachers now.

I had actually forgotten it in the midst of things but on Tuesday night when I was asking if I should shadow them on the bus it was older DS who actually suggested I didn't and it was better to just get on with it. If I'd remembered that conversation earlier I might have been more annoyed!

Show quote history

Hm, my parents wouldn't have said I had a "need for routine" either at that age, but I definitely did. I just didn't know how to explain it properly.

Obviously you know him best, but don't dismiss it too easily.

Original poster

ThePuffinMan · 04/09/2025 19:44

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 19:21

Yes, let's just totally ignore the Year 9's autism and need for routine and rush in to criticise, shall we?

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He doesn't actually have a need for routine, he's not textbook autistic (whatever that means 😆). He likes to get back early because he feels put out his friends at a different school get home early. I actually find he's more like descriptions of inattentive ADHD (like me) but his diagnostic team dismissed it.

It's fine though, they are both chilling and comparing teachers now.

I had actually forgotten it in the midst of things but on Tuesday night when I was asking if I should shadow them on the bus it was older DS who actually suggested I didn't and it was better to just get on with it. If I'd remembered that conversation earlier I might have been more annoyed!

OP posts:

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 04/09/2025 19:27

Anyahyacinth · 04/09/2025 19:21

I think it’s rubbish being the eldest and asked to take on parenting responsibilities …why is exactly is she so keen to get home so fast..that sounds mildly worrying…why is that so important to her?

Presumably because for many DC with autism, school is incredibly stressful and overwhelming and you just want to get the hell out of there and into your comfort zone (home).

I was that child - I needed to be at home, otherwise it was like an unbearable itch I couldn't scratch and I was stressed beyond belief.