I don't know if I'm overreacting, older sibling left younger sibling

I feel very sorry for your DD. You sound like my mother who I went no contact with years ago. You sound like your only concern is your DS, not her. Her feelings aren't considered, just his.
Poor DD!
You may not mean to play favourites but it's how it comes across.

Do you work from home OP?

Honestly, I'd go gently with your older son. They're not a lot older and also thrown off by not having their phone. No punishment, but a chat to them about younger son only being 11 and being worried about them.

As a teacher, I totally understand why your older DS rushes to the bus. Where I am, bus behaviour is like a very bad zoo. I know bus travel is the only way for so many, but I'd honestly hate it myself. As you've noted, not many kids make it out in time for that first bus. That alone will mean that the first bus is a lot calmer than the one after it.

Some teens seem to revel in the 'lively' bus journey, while others would hate it. Pretty easy to guess which group your older son is in. I'd even suspect that he may be bullied or find himself a target of some 'jokes' on the later bus. This rush for the early bus may be less of a quirk and more about survival (at least metaphorically).

Reiterate the idea of the younger one getting home safely during the first few weeks, but don't go with any harsh punishments.

Also, remind younger son of the back up plan if they can't find their sibling or they're chatting to new friends and not fast enough, catch the next bus and text you.

People with ASD are usually people pleasers. She may have externally told you it was okay whilst internally freaking out at having to catch the later more crowded bus. You need to consider her in this too, I'm afraid.

I think your expectation was fine. In a family we all watch out for each other. I think it’s ok to expect the older ones to show a bit of support to the younger ones. She also agreed to it.

However as you mentioned she is autistic, I wonder is she wedded to this routine of hers? I wouldn’t be cross but I’d sit down with her and try and figure out a plan that works better for her, like meeting elsewhere. Or is this later bus too busy for her? Or is she annoyed to be providing support that she didn’t get herself? I’d basically find out what the problem is, see if you can come to some solution.

It is up to you to organise this not a sibling

Wow MN is weird and cruel today to OP’s! Your expectation was perfectly reasonable OP and of course your YR9 can look out for her little brother for a few days. It’s not too much to ask and she agreed. I would also be annoyed but you will have to just have a chat with her and then let it go. But the reaction from people on here is cruel!

Download Life360 on yours and his phone, just the free version works great!… it allows you to see where he is and alleviates worry.
if you and your children are all in the same family group on there they will also be able to see where you are and each other… so your DS can see whether his sis has already got in the bus or not and vice versa. The free version also alerts you when they leave it arrive home. I set it up when my DD did her Duke of edinburgh, and it was such a reassurance, especially as she has a medical condition, if I’d needed to it would take me to the exact spot where she was - a godsend!
Also great when we leave our phones home as the other can say ‘yep it’s at home don’t worry!’ …

As for your DD …. Chat to hee calmly over the weekend and ask if she could please wait for her DB… maybe suggest she just does it for a couple of days… but actually does she dash out and catch the earlier one because she can’t cope with all the other students being on the bus with her? Because maybe she really can’t cope with the later bus? Maybe one of your daughters friends can keep an eye out for a few days and thank her and give her something for being so helpful.

But at least he did do something, perhaps not to judge too harshly?

Of course she should have waited for him, I don't think that's too much to ask. She is his sister for goodness sake! I would expect even a friend to wait longer than 2 minutes then just sack off the arrangement. I'd be furious

It’s perfectly fine for siblings to look out for each other. Something to be nurtured I would hazard. Doesn’t mean a lifetime of servitude of one to the other.
You sound like a great mum.

Does it make a difference, then? Hmm…

It’s not really her job is it, it’s yours!

My own daughter has ADHD and Autism. I knew she wouldn’t cope with dealing with public transport at the start of year 7 so I applied for transport through the LA and got it. I think, OP, if you are really worried about your ND son coping with public transport then this is something you must look into as well. You might be able to secure something after Christmas as funding is allocated each term. This is assuming that your son has an EHCP in place to support his learning needs at school.

I also think you’re putting a lot of responsibility on your daughter’s shoulders to escort your son home. You’ve essentially parentified your daughter, and your reaction has communicated about how much pressure you’re placing her under. I’d reconsider the arrangement - or offer her an incentive? Not sure what that could be but I don’t think you should punish her over it. I also think you need to address with your son some responsibility here too - he needs to meet his sister by a set time otherwise she leaves. I’m not sure why she should be waiting for him?

Well, she shouldn't have lied in her first post then should she.

😂😂😂 are you serious?!! And FYI, OP has confirmed that both DC are boys.

I don’t think I would be angry but just surprised if a little disappointed that they themselves didn’t feel the need to wait and check on their younger brother themselves. But maybe if they are on the spectrum that doesn’t necessarily factor for them.
I do think an older sibling should have a certain level of responsibility personally. I’m a middle child and would always look out for my younger siblings and my older brother and sister did for me, it’s natural. Would I be angry though no.

Id be more annoyed if she had disappeared on a primary aged sibling not one in secondary school. Sorry but you're being unreasonable. If your autistic DD can manage then so can your ADHD DS, unless his needs means he cannot use public transport alone then its on you not her to get him to and from school.

Thankfully you're not her mother. Did you read the part where she's autistic too?

Who was looking after her when she first went to school?Nobody I bet.

As an aside I would put “find my phone” or 360 on his phone so you can see if he is on his way home.

Completely unacceptable behaviour. Your number one priority as a family is to look after each other.

Ignore the absolutely terrible parents who are replying that “she gets a choice”. She doesn’t. She does what her parents tell her to do.

Ground her for a week.

so she's ND. How were her first 2 weeks of school? who made sure she got the bus?

but as with pp - it is unreasonable to make her his keeper. Find a better solution (you were home when she got in, why can't you go and meet him?)

Your older child is old enough to know if he agrees to something, he should do it. You asked for 2 weeks only, it wasn't a big ask. On day 2 he didn't even bother. Being ND is not an excuse and I am concerned that so many people think it is. If you let small asks go now, how will he cope in the real world? He needs some sort of consequence.

It's a good thing your younger child didn't wait for his sibling and just got the next bus, so it sounds like he is ok to do this alone, and he can call you if he gets intro trouble, so no need to rely on older child it seems!

You'd be p*** off with an autistic thirteen year old girl who's being given quite a responsibility to get another neurodiverse child home from school?

ND children often thrive on their routine and don't like to deviate from it.It helps them feel safe. Hell even nd adults like routine.

You're asking an autistic thirteen year old girl to not zoom immediately out of school and get straight home which suits her and wait around for a dawdling, eleven year old who doesn't know what he's doing.

I don't think you realize what a responsibility you're putting on her.

She’s still a child. A ND child at that - cut her some slack. Your DS is perfectly able to catch a bus on his own, and if he isn’t, YOU should be the one to facilitate his return.