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Original poster

This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

192 replies

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:49

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:50

whenimnotcleaningwindows · 04/09/2025 16:26

Sorry this happened to you.
I've read OP but what jumps out is how young you were. I am wondering how you were told this story as you grew up, as it seems to be presenting your father in quite a glowing light, which in my experience with women who leave the home, is unusual. Is this the version he told you?

I wasn't told anything until I was 42, and that's only because I started asking questions about my childhood.

I imagine that if I hadn't started asking questions I would have gone to my grave never knowing about any of this.

OP posts:
CloudPop · 04/09/2025 16:48

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:45

I do have two children of my own, and its having them in my life that has opened up my eyes to the dysfunctional childhood I had. My counsellor said it's really common for women to start reliving the trauma of their own childhood when they have children themselves because they understand what real maternal love is supposed to look and feel like, and realise that they never had it from their own mother.

Whilst I understand my mother may have come from a broken childhood and wasn't in a 'good place' when she had me and my sister, that doesn't excuse the way she treated us. You're right, it isn't fair.

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Really unfair. Very sorry this happened to you, and sad for your dad also. Wishing you well.

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:48

C152 · 04/09/2025 16:22

I am sorry you're struggling with this, OP. I don't know if it will make you feel better to know this but no, 40 years ago, courts didn't automatically assume children belonged with their mother. She may (depending on your dad's actions) had to have fought hard to get you back.

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I doubt very, vey much that a woman who walked out on her two young daughters would then care enough to 'fight hard' to have them back over two years later. In some ways we were always treated like an inconvenience to her. She would spend as little time with us as she could possibly get away with.

OP posts:
DarkPassenger1 · 04/09/2025 16:46

It's certainly not unusual sadly, for parents to up and leave their family. I imagine it was even more common in years gone by when women didn't always have access to contraception, or might have married and been expected to have their first child extremely young. Compared to today when we have the fortune of being able to delay children until we are ready and willing to have them. Or not have them at all.

It's really sad all around when it happens, does it make you feel better or worse knowing you're not alone and that it's not uncommon for this to happen?

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:45

jonthebatiste · 04/09/2025 16:20

It's extremely unusual, but I think that's mostly because of society's expectations of a mother versus a father; and a woman's own inner life as a mother (do you have DC of your own?).

I'm sorry it happened to you. The mother-child relationship is formative. If yours was ruptured it was likely because of who your mother was as an individual when she had you. Broken parents often make broken children. It's not right and it's not fair.

I do have two children of my own, and its having them in my life that has opened up my eyes to the dysfunctional childhood I had. My counsellor said it's really common for women to start reliving the trauma of their own childhood when they have children themselves because they understand what real maternal love is supposed to look and feel like, and realise that they never had it from their own mother.

Whilst I understand my mother may have come from a broken childhood and wasn't in a 'good place' when she had me and my sister, that doesn't excuse the way she treated us. You're right, it isn't fair.

OP posts:
swampwitch0 · 04/09/2025 16:45

My aunt did, in the 1960s, but my uncle was an abusive alcoholic.
She tried to get the dc back, so he took them to his country of birth.
I always felt really sorry for her, as her dc didn't want anything to do with her.
She was very much seen as the "bad guy" whoch I don't think is the case.
My uncle was dead at 59 (alcohol related)

ReadingTime · 04/09/2025 16:43

It might be worth talking to your dad about it all if you still have a good relationship with him, it could be a healing conversation for both of you. Maybe imagine them both dead, and see it there is anything you would really regret not having asked them in time, and ask that.

LakieLady · 04/09/2025 16:43

It's certainly not usual, but I know at least 3 women who did exactly that.

One of them left when her kids were just 2 and 4.

NuovaPilbeam · 04/09/2025 16:42

I think some people crave the love of a partner. Ive come across a couple of stories like yours and in both cases, mum left for a new bloke, and in both cases later on had a habit of prioritising new men over her kids. Very sad but i think indicative of very low self esteem/mental health issues

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 16:42

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:39

Yes, my dad and my mum's sister tried to fight the decision (my mum's sister had pretty much stepped into the mothering role of us), but the Courts said that as our mum technically hadn't abandoned us, they decided that we should be with her.

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Wowsers. I’m so sorry. That must be very difficult to unpick. Is your aunt still alive? Have you been able to discuss any of this with her?

Boomer55 · 04/09/2025 16:41

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:49

My mum and dad got married in 1981 when they were in their very early 20s and quite soon after meeting each other.

My dad was besotted with my mum, whereas the impression has always been that my mum married my dad in order to escape from living with her parents.

My mum was pregnant with my sister within a year of being married, and then a year after my sister was born she had me (we are only just over 12 months apart).

When me and my sister were 2 and 3 years old our mum came home from work one day and told my dad she had met someone else and she just left, leaving me and my sister behind.

She moved into the other man’s house and although me and my sister stayed there a few nights a month we didn’t see her at any other time.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?

No, it's pretty unnatural. But some women, as with men, put their own needs and wants over those of their children. 🤷‍♀️

mumofoneAloneandwell · 04/09/2025 16:39

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:32

No my my mum wasn't a good parent, although I couldn't see it at the time. I thought the way in which me and my sister were raised by her was normal.

Thankfully our dad was very constant throughout our childhood after the courts made him give us back to our mum.

It was only about 5 months ago that I learnt about any of this (I'm now 42). None of it has ever been talked about until now. It was my mum's sister who first disclosed it to me (I approached her about my childhood) and I have since spoken to my grandparents about it.

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Hope youre able to get the answers you need x

Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:39

Ddakji · 04/09/2025 16:15

It’s not usual for a mother to do this, but of course it’s depressingly usual for a father to.

What isn’t usual is for the children to be moved back with the abandoning parent.

Did you dad fight this decision?

Yes, my dad and my mum's sister tried to fight the decision (my mum's sister had pretty much stepped into the mothering role of us), but the Courts said that as our mum technically hadn't abandoned us, they decided that we should be with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:37

CloudPop · 04/09/2025 16:16

How did your relationship with your dad play out after you were returned to your mother? How did he feel about you leaving ?

We went to his every weekend (Fri-Sun) so thankfully he remained a constant in our lives.

I don't know he he felt as we've never spoken about it. He doesn't know that I know all this. I imagine that after prctically being our sole carer for 2.5 years he was probably very upset about the fact we had to leave and go and live with our mother instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:33

TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2025 16:12

Has she ever explained why she wanted you back? Odd if she treated you badly, she must have known she wasn't suited to being a mother.

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She isn't aware that I know she walked out on us, so no conversations have ever been had about any aspect of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 16:32

mumofoneAloneandwell · 04/09/2025 16:13

Your mum wanted to escape her family

Her family told you that she had an affair and left your dad for a bit before getting divorced, making clear that she left you behind and your dad was besotted with her

Who does your mum have in her corner? Is there a rift forming now?

Sorry you had to deal with toxicity 🥺. Was she cruel to you? Or was she struggling due to her circumstances?

One is not forgiveable, the other can be worked through

People leave for all sorts of reasons. Men do it all the time. She came back and raised you. Was your dad a 50/50 parent who lightened her load? xx

No my my mum wasn't a good parent, although I couldn't see it at the time. I thought the way in which me and my sister were raised by her was normal.

Thankfully our dad was very constant throughout our childhood after the courts made him give us back to our mum.

It was only about 5 months ago that I learnt about any of this (I'm now 42). None of it has ever been talked about until now. It was my mum's sister who first disclosed it to me (I approached her about my childhood) and I have since spoken to my grandparents about it.

OP posts:
Ezzee · 04/09/2025 16:31

My Mum left when I was 5 and went to live the other side of the world with her boyfriend for years.
Screwed me up but we have talked excessively and I had loads of therapy.
My father bought me up. I left home at 16 his wife was awful and he spineless.
50 years + later I have a fab relationship with my Mum and no relationship with my father.
OP therapy and supportive friends really helped me heal.

whenimnotcleaningwindows · 04/09/2025 16:30

Muffintopmumma · 04/09/2025 16:28

It’s interesting that you’re instantly looking for justification for her actions. Whereas if it’s a man that ups and leaves he’s just a loser. Mothers can be pathetic excuses for parents too.

sorry on that you had this. I had a very similar situation with my own mother, albeit I was a bit older. I’ve had a lot of counselling but the simple fact for me is that kind of abandonment has left a permanent scar.

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It's statistics that show us how unusual it is for mums and usual it is for fathers, sadly.

Often the fathers repeat the performance with other women over time.

DeedlessIndeed · 04/09/2025 16:29

Parents abandoning children is depressingly common. Less usual for it to be the mother, but I think that is partly because of the social stigma.

Clearly some parents feel trapped by parenthood, put their wants above their children's needs and run away. I'm so sorry that happened to you. She sounds awful.

Muffintopmumma · 04/09/2025 16:28

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2025 15:51

Yes, it’s less ‘usual’.

any idea of the reasons? Mental health issues? Dad a prick and couldn’t take any more?

how was she when you went back to live with her?

It’s interesting that you’re instantly looking for justification for her actions. Whereas if it’s a man that ups and leaves he’s just a loser. Mothers can be pathetic excuses for parents too.

sorry on that you had this. I had a very similar situation with my own mother, albeit I was a bit older. I’ve had a lot of counselling but the simple fact for me is that kind of abandonment has left a permanent scar.

Easyozy · 04/09/2025 16:27

I know 2 women who have done this. In both cases there was domestic abuse. It's certainly very unusual though.

whenimnotcleaningwindows · 04/09/2025 16:26

Sorry this happened to you.
I've read OP but what jumps out is how young you were. I am wondering how you were told this story as you grew up, as it seems to be presenting your father in quite a glowing light, which in my experience with women who leave the home, is unusual. Is this the version he told you?

Pharazon · 04/09/2025 16:26

It's far less common than men walking out but does happen. I knew a woman who ran away to the US with her riding instructor, abandoning her 6 and 8 year-old.

Theunamedcat · 04/09/2025 16:23

Why is everyone in therapy if their mom leaves but just expected to get on with it if dad leaves? There is such a big movement about dad's being equally important etc etc its always struck me as odd

Anyway my nan left her children behind but it was at the time where you couldn't even get a bank account without your husbands permission he essentially told her she could go have her divorce but would never see her children again I think she hoped he wouldn't turn on them...

Your dad probably thinks not telling you about the affair was protecting you

C152 · 04/09/2025 16:22

LondonLady1980 · 04/09/2025 15:59

During the divorce she said she wanted us back and I guess 40 years ago the courts thought that children belonged with their mothers regardless of the circumstances.

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I am sorry you're struggling with this, OP. I don't know if it will make you feel better to know this but no, 40 years ago, courts didn't automatically assume children belonged with their mother. She may (depending on your dad's actions) had to have fought hard to get you back.