This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

Nope

Honestly there would have been a reason, but it won't have been you kids.
Most women have issues within their life that can become impossible when they have kids, whether it's domestic abuse, drug abuse or a mental breakdown. A lot of women in the 1980s had what were called "nervous breakdowns" which ranged in cause but was likely as the first gen of women told they could "have it all!" with a job and family and little support or understanding of what that would entail. We now understand far more on mental health and have childcare and flexi work options, plus men have adjusted a tiny bit more into domestic duties.

It sounds as if your mum returned and re-entered into your life. The reason it was unknown was likely due to the stimga not only of leaving but of what caused it.

I know 3 sets of siblings this happened to and so whilst unusual I think what makes it worse is that it’s just not talked about or acknowledged. One set of sisters got up one Christmas morning and mother had gone. They never mentally recovered from it and one moved far away to escape it all. The other set of sisters coped with it with the love of their dad and he was amazing but again never could get their heads around it. The other one was older and understood the reasons .

all very difficult and I am sorry it happened to you.

After 2.5 years she and the man broke up and she moved into her own place. Me and my sister were returned to her care via the courts.

If the father had been coping then it's appalling that the courts would do this and no doubt expect him to pay up every month, I wonder how much she had contributed after she dumped them?

Within reason. I was fostered by a wonderful family who I call my parents. However I have lots if trauma and abuse that still affects me.

And revisiting therapy as I do struggle with parenting. Its extremely hard when you have had no role models or care when you are a young child

It is unusual but not unheard of, in the couple of cases I know about from either growing up alongside or my children being in their circle, one Mother left her with her Grandmother as a baby and only sporadically visited, I never saw anyone bar the Grandmother collecting/dropping her off at school and we all knew not to mention her mum, not sure how we knew not to talk about it though….
And in one of my children’s year the Mum had an affair and left the marital home and children. I think they must have some sort of contact as she occasionally appears at school, the kids in this situation are boys so maybe she thought they’d prefer to stay with their Dad.
I think more women should leave if they are only taking the children because that is what society expects. It sounds like in your case OP that your Mum fought to take you back but probably shouldn’t have given how you’ve described your childhood but at the time as you say everyone thought that children were better off with their Mums sadly.

Strangely enough I knew a woman in that same time frame who did what your mother did! It was shocking at the time and she was ostracised by quite a lot of the people she worked with.

However, any animosity was water off a ducks back and I recall her justifying her behaviour with, ‘I deserve to be happy too!’

Bloody awful woman that I had no tolerance or time for.

I hope your mother realised how awful she has been and made up for it as best she could.

While I didn’t have the walking out the rest of your OP really resonated with me because my mother did similar. I think my father would’ve potentially had custody had it not been for his job requiring him to work away from home for 50% of the year.

The lasting emotional and psychological effects of my mother choosing another man over stability for my brother and I (I don’t think she should have stayed in an unhappy relationship with my dad though) all came to a head in my mid 30s. With some therapy I’ve made peace with it and concluded that she probably never wanted to be a mother but just had 2 kids in quick succession as that was what was expected of you back then.

It sounds like you've only just started to look at the abusive way your mother treated you and there may be many people with bits of information about your formative years that conflict eventually, concentrate on your experience and how she made you feel.

I think the circumstances of your abandonment and treatment as a child by your mother are inexcusable, make sure you treat yourself kindly during therapy, these kind of life events really can have life long negative affects, some are easy to see but many others are not so obvious.

Sorry this happened to you @LondonLady1980. It's a very upsetting thing to find out.

This happened to an old boyfriend of mine. His mother walked out on his father and four children, and was only sporadically in his life after that. It impacted him and his siblings terribly, and presumably they carried that into the future with them. I know he was determined to be a good parent, and although I haven't seen him for 30 years I'm 100% sure he is (and that you are).

You can't change any of it. I don't suppose it's as unusual as people might think, just less discussed. I wish you well. Hugs.

It isn’t normal for a mother to walk out and just leave her two young daughters behind is it?
Its more common than you think.
Obviously it'd usually the other way round though.
My best friends mum walked out of her family when friend was 10 and sister was 12. The family reconnected over the years. My friend is doing all the care fir her mum but sister won't do anything and us still bitter over 50 years since mum left.
I support families and its not that unusual for dad to be the main carer as mum has either left to be with someone else, is not safe around children, has poor mental health, won't give up an unsafe boyfriend so she can have her children or misuses substances.

You've had a raw deal OP. So sorry that you've been through this. I hope you find happiness.

My mother walked out when I was 7, had scattered contact (every other month or so) until she died a few years later.
my father, we think, weaponised my siblings and I against her and told us that mother left because she didn’t love us enough to stay. I have no relationship with father either now sadly.

It’s rare but it does happen. Maternal abandonment is a whole world of psychology and therapy as a result of this. It’s complex. Big hugs OP.

You say information has come from your maternal grandparents and aunt. Your original post also says that your mother married to escape her family.

Do you know, or guess, why she was so desperate to escape that she married someone she didn't love?

I’m sorry you went through that OP. It’s definitely more unusual, but not unheard of. My grandmother walked out on my mum and auntie when they were in their early teens, she had an affair and left to be with him, they even moved abroad for a few years. This was back in the 60’s/70’s. She came back with her new husband a few years later but I don’t think my mum and aunt forgave her for a long long time. After my grandmother died a lot of family secrets came out about the way my grandfather treated her before she left, so I understand why she left him but not why she left her two daughters.

I'm so sorry OP. I know someone who did this - she walked out on her two young children of 2 and 3 years old - and did not go back. She is not a friend, more an acquaintance, so she's never shared her feelings on it, but I do know that it took her decades to get back any relationship with her adult children.

I completely understand how the trauma echoes down the years for you.

It's also because the strongest bond in nature is between a mother & her offspring. This isn't just a human thing, it's a primeval instinct illustrated throughout nature e.g. mammals will nearly always fight to the death to protect their offspring, despite the odds, for instance.

A mother must either be under severe duress, has severe MH difficulties, or is just a selfish crunt to abandon her children like this, imho.

As we can clearly see here, with numerous posters sharing their stories, this maternal abandonment leaves never healing scars on the abandoned kids & others (e.g. the poor father & aunt in this upsetting case for instance). Sad.

Good luck OP, I hope you find the healing you are clearly now seeking.

I’m so sorry. Good people have children. Terrible people have children. Most people are in the middle but generally veer towards the former. There’s no entrance exam for parenthood, which many people who have walked this earth would decry. I hope counselling can help you find acceptance and to see it wasn’t you and it wasn’t your fault. I’m also sure you’ll be a far, far better mother to your children than yours was to you.

My mother left me when I was 5 and sister 2. My dad was at that time a functioning alcoholic but soon spiralled. My mother was also an alcoholic. Both me and my sister ended up foster care but not before suffering 6 years under my father. My mother also did the same to her other two older children- I never knew about siblings until I was in my 30s.

She never bothered contacting us at all. Even signed us over permanently to social services when my dad died when I was 13.

She died in 2022. Prematurely from liver cancer.

Good riddance. My childhood and all contained in it gave me severe trauma even aged 45.

I have two young children I would rather die than leave them

It is a tale as old as time. My mum is in her 90s. This happened to her. I had better not say more because it could be identifying.