This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

Ok well it's your story to tell so if that's what you're happy with then that is what you need to focus on making peace with.

It wasn't a perfect situation for whatever reason, clearly, but now you know hopefully you can get some therapy so that it doesn't impact on the rest of your life. You hold the reigns to how this affects you (or doesn't!). Good luck.

Sounds so odd that this was just in the 80s!

I'm probably not much younger than your mum & would have thought working & renting would have been possible as a way out from her parents!

The grandmother that you are taking her word as gospel on your mother's situation?

I know several women who left their children. All were abused by their own mothers and/or the fathers of those children. Two left under threat of death if they tried to take the children. Only 2 of these women ever got their children back.

Can't count how many man I know who walked out on their children and don't get demonised like any of these women were/are.

Talk to your mother about your childhood. As one adult to another without the blame. Please also bear in mind, you are stating she has no empathy etc. Hundreds of women are accused of this, when they are actually autistic.

I truly hope you get the therapy you need to come to terms with a difficult childhood and heal from it.

You suggested that by having her kids she got money, like a cash machine.
I was confused and still am at where that cash was coming from?

Possibly she doesn’t have the ability to express her emotions. It would explain the ease of detachment that you experienced.

Indeed they do, I wonder how much she paid to support them after she walked out on them? Usually the answer would be Nothing. Just because she's a woman should absolve her of any responsibility for them.

It’s not common and it’s a really horrible thing to do. I’d never forgive her.

I don't know about 'normal' but it must have been devastating for you and your sibling when she left, and then confusing when she eventually wanted you back.
Its certainly more common for dads to walk out, but not unknown for mums to do it.

Are you living with her?
Sorry I am a bit confused.

Many women with "colourful" histories do avoid talking about the past, for that reason. If she knew you knew she might feel the need to explain. That's not the same as excuse as obviously she has to accept she hurt you. If you want to know what was behind it before she dies that is the only way - other family members may not know the full story or think they do without key bits. Life is complicated and most people make decisions based on the information they have at the time.

I've dealt with a lot of mothers who think leaving is the best thing for their kids. Whether that's because they feel they can't look after them, have an addiction issue, having a mental episode or whatever else, there's always a reason and I've never heard one woman say "just to really hurt my kids".

I think having 2 very young children with little or no support could break any women.

It’s really strange that she got given you back after disappearing I don’t think that would happen now unless dad was willing, I think it would be 5050 max

My male relative's mum left home without him and his sister. He would've been around 3 and his sister 5.
Never saw her again, but we heard she remarried and had more children that she did stay with.

To make matters worse, the father quickly remarried (I believe that was basically to get someone to look after the kids) and the new wife definitely resented having them around.

I can't begin to imagine how that makes a person feel.
Sad story. I'm just telling you so you know it does happen.
I hope you are dealing with it, op.

A cash machine how?
Kids cost money, more than most people realise.

If you want to resolve it then yes, you need to talk to her.
Maybe with a therapist if you feel you might be a bit emotionally charged?
She may well want to explain what happened particularly if she is in her 70's+ now and knows you have questions.

My mum did this to my brother and I, although we were older than you and your sister. The man she left for (my dad's best friend) didn't want children so she didn't give us a second thought. We stayed with our dad (with support from our paternal grandparents). My mum left town a couple of years later so from only seeing her once a week for a few hours (her choice) we then only saw her every couple of months.

Even before she left, my brother and I spent weekends and school holidays. We used to see her drive past to go and see our cousins every Sunday afternoon.

She has largely rewritten history and never acknowledged the terrible way she treated my brother and I.

I wish you peace, op, it's a tough thing to come to terms with.

To be honest it sounds like her leaving was the right thing to do, it was getting you back that seems to have caused the issues. You were better off with a loving committed father.

I knew two women I worked with who left young children, one left for another man but basically saw her child every day, the other one was talked into having a baby by a husband who really wanted children. She had twins and couldn't cope. The children were brought up by their father and eventually his second wife. They did have a relationship with their mother as adults.

You are a better person than me OP. I would absolutely have it out with her and express all the feelings of both disappointment and judgement. She sounds awful

an ex of mine has full custody of his kids as his wife walked out when they were 5yrs and 6 months. They are still with him 8yrs later and don’t see their mum. Not usual no.

Once she was on her own she would see the children as a cash machine and lied through her teeth to get them back.