This isn’t normal is it? Mum walking out on her children.

@Houseshmouse you might be on the wrong thread here - I read that one earlier 😂

What strikes me from your posts OP is the hostility towards your mother, and how you're certain that your father was innocent and blameless.

If I've understood correctly, the outpouring of emotion and stories that you've heard are from your father's side of the family. They're hardly unbiased, and they're very, very unlikely to want to paint your mother in a good light.

You haven't given any details of why your childhood with your mother was so bad, and it's not our place to ask about this. But you said until recently you didn't realise it wasn't normal, so that suggests that she was unavailable, uninterested, etc. You've also referenced the fact that your grandmother, your mother's mum, was a pretty awful person and that was the reason that she married.

As a child, it's really hard to get past abandonment, even when it's temporary. And you clearly still have raw scars from that now that you're trying to heal.

I think multiple things can be true. You can be understandably struggling with the period when your mum walked out and you only had visits with her, rather than living with her as you'd been used to. You can also struggle with the fact that she was detached and emotionally distant from you. But, I wonder what story your mum would tell, if she was able to talk without fear of judgement or shame? It sounds as if her life has been pretty awful, and the fact that she fought to get you back suggests that she wouldn't have willingly chosen to walk out unless she was at breaking point for some reason. And possibly her own scars are why she was distant emotionally.

I'm not suggesting you get back in contact with her. If NC feels right for you, then that's great. But sometimes you really start to heal when you let go of the bitterness and resentment, and try to understand what might have been going on for the other person. From a bystander's view, it sounds as if she's spent a life struggling, isolated and unhappy while your dad was surrounded by an extended and loving family and was "bonded" - to use your word - with his children. It sounds as if she might have felt like a perpetual outsider, with no way of forgiving herself or forging genuinely loving relationships.

None of that invalidates how you feel now, but it might help you to let go and move on if you can understand how maybe it was less of a conscious and deliberate choice for her, and just a woman struggling with life.

Oops. Wrong thread!

Not that usual, but it happened to my Dad when he was 5 and he never saw her again, never even heard from her.

It wasn't you! Children cannot do anything to drive a parent away! The child/care giver (usually mother) bond is usually so strong. I cannot imagine leaving mine.

I worked with a woman decades ago when I was young and childless who had left her DC for another man. They were young and she had never seen them since. By the time I knew her she was single, renting a room.

My DM didn't leave but I think it was because despite her many affairs nothing got that far. If she had I think I'd have been better off. Her only connection to me was via my DF. Once they divorced when I was 20 she never made even the minimal amount of effort that I was used to.

I'm sorry, I haven't read all of the thread but someone close to me went to school one day and their Mum just did not come to pick them up. It doesn't seem to be related to mental health illness, though perhaps it was hushed down as they are all older generations within my family.

It badly affected this person, and I would say it is far less typical than the Dad. Which I think in its own right can feel quite isolating.

I am so sorry the judge just returned you because at the time it was viewed as being the right thing, and you have then been subject to a lot of further trauma.

You’re very kind, thank you. I think perhaps we are all stronger than we imagine. Although it would be better for that theory not to have to be tested.

@BustyLaRoux , neither of my parents left but the way you were treated (asking you to be sympathetic as if you hadn’t been struggling just as much if not more) is something I recognise.

And it’s heartbreaking. You want to scream ‘what about ME? Is my pain not worthy too?’ And you know you can’t (or it’s not even worth bringing it).
I remember shouting in my head something like that myself. I was about 16yo. I’m now 55yo and I haven’t forgotten the rawness of my silent scream tbh

@BustyLaRoux You write beautifully, I’m so sorry to read what you have been through. You have so much strength and resilience.

How comes you were returned to her care? Couldn't you have stayed with your dad?

My mum left my dad and us when we were kids although not as young as you. This was early 80s. We did see her fairly regularly though and after a couple of years one of my bothers moved in with her

Too many assumptions not only about what was ordered by Court, given or not by her, asked for by anyone for this to be any useful dialogue here. Particularly given we are going back to the 1980's - no CSM.

Life is too short to put up with abuse. Fill it with good people and good times. You don’t owe her shit!

If you have no contact with her now, I REALLY wouldn’t try and talk to her.
Youd add the difficulty of just seeing her on the top of a difficult conversation she won’t want to have.

It’s very hard to come to terms with to our parents abuse.
And it’s clear that what you had to deal with isn’t just her leaving for 2 years because she wanted to be with her then boyfriend/partner (who I suspect just didn’t want young children to spoil the fun. Nor did she).

Im not sure knowing why she did that or how she could even conceive it will make it easier.
But i get how putting things into words, ‘intellectualising it’ as they say can help. Well I know it helped me! Just to be able to put experiences and feelings into words. Giving history some sort of meaning (whether negative or positive) and owning my own story iyswim.
To do that, I suspect talking to your aunt, your grandma and your dad woukd be much more efficient than talking to your mum.

My mum also walked out (1992) on me and my sibling. We were older than you though. I had just turned 15 and my sibling was 12. I couldn’t stand my dad so it was a bit of a shock to find out I’d been left full time in his care! It wasn’t what I wanted. But nobody asked children what they wanted or how they felt back then. My sibling and I both had a very close relationship with my mum so it was devastating when she walked out. I will never forget it. I was staying overnight with a mate. When my dad picked me up in the morning he announced “oh yeah, your mother left yesterday”. As if it was nothing. I felt like I’d been gut punched. I knew she wanted to leave but we’d talked about the three of us getting away from him together. I obviously couldn’t cry out “but what about me???” so I just sat there silent and stunned, feeling like my insides had been ripped out.

We did see her, but she moved to the other side of the city so maybe a couple of evenings a week she would come by. She got her own place a bit closer after several months but we didn’t stay overnight.

Things had been bad between her and my dad ever since I could remember and I think she just couldn’t take anymore. I encouraged her to leave because she said she would take me and my sibling with her. I wanted to get away from him and just be with her. We had talked us getting away many times.

But then she just went. Without us.

For months my dad threatened to kill himself and I sat up late many a night talking him out of suicide. If he was late home from work I’d worry he’d seen his threat through. It wasn’t great really. I used to think I’d emerged relatively unscathed but as I get older I wonder if that’s actually true. My sibling has all kinds of emotional attachment issues. Funny that no one bothered to ask if I was alright. I don’t think I was.

On the first Xmas eve after my mum had gone, my dad lost his temper and punched me in the face (his explosive anger was one of the reasons my mum left). I ignored him all of Xmas day. I couldn’t understand how he could give his child a fat lip like that. At Xmas as well!!! And not even say sorry! My aunt (his sister) said I should be more sympathetic to him and cut him some slack as it was first Xmas without his wife (also my first Xmas without my mum but no one mentioned that!).

Children were treated like shit. Nobody seemed to care. On the outside we were an affluent family and we looked well turned out. We were confident and polite and did well at school. You might not have known I was skipping school and drinking and taking drugs.

So no OP, I don’t think it is normal for a mother to walk out on her children. I’m a mother. I’d lose a leg before I left my children in the care of someone like my dad. I am divorced from their dad and we share care 50:50. We are on pretty good terms. The children can come and go between our houses. We don’t live far apart. I am struggling to live where we live as it’s extortionate and my ex earns more than 50% more than me. He is comfortable but I struggle financially. But I’d rather that than walk away. Times are different now. Thankfully.

My mum could never forgive herself for walking out. She drank herself to death eventually. I loved her so much. I miss her every day.

I wasn’t as young, but my Mum left my dad and I for another man when I had just turned 13. My lovely Dad was ill and I became his carer. The other man she left us for was an egotistical, money obsessed pervert. They eventually married and broke up. It’s caused me some pretty significant mental health and trust issues.

One presumes that when she conned the judge to take those poor children form their father's care and give them to the woman who deserted them there was a financial judgement wherein he was expected to do what she didn't, ie provide financial support.

My DWs mum did the exact same

It is. It's tragic.

I’m really sorry about your experiences OP. I’m glad you’re getting therapy, hopefully you can start to heal. I’m not surprised your mum is shut off emotionally, she sounds very disconnected. Regardless of her reasons, it’s understandable this has been massively hurtful for you. Her abandonment is a reflection on her only, but of course it would be difficult not to internalise this.

I do think that women abandoning their children is judged far more harshly than when men do. This seems to be tied up in layers of misogyny and societal roles and expectations, similarly to women being viewed as lesser for not having or wanting children or being ‘maternal’. I think this attitude is lessening, but still prevalent.

There is an interesting film which explored ‘maternal ambivalence’ called The Lost Daughter. The book is even better.

It happened to me too. My mum was very young too… and left us with our dad when she went off to have an affair (that she made me savvy to). She didn’t come back. I think it was down to basic emotional immaturity and not being equipped (by her own family) to have children that young or chose a suitable partner either. I have had a very chequered history of relationships etc and no doubt there’s a link

I hope you can or are no contact with her OP.
I had a neglectful and abusive father and I broke contact a few years before he died. People said oh you will regret it, but I never did.
I would have regretted it far more if I had tried to `make the peace'.

My mother did. Left my elder sister before I was born. Got her back and then had an affair with my dad. Had me and 2 siblings with my dad and left all 4 of us with my dad to live with another fella. All of us under 16. No abuse no MH just selfish.