AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

You have zero understanding of mental health or the incredibly stressful impact of school refusal on families

My daughter was a very severe school refuser for two years..she isnautistic but you would not know or understand the complex reasons for her inability to cope unless you knew her well

I actually feel sickened by your judgement if thia family. What a child tells a friend is not the heart of school refusal. Or of mental health difficulties

How a child is with a friend has zero relevance to their ability to cope in school

My child is now back full time in school but I would never ever judge any family in that position

It was one of the worst experiences of my life when she was missing so much school so your judgement is thr last thing the family needs

There's a big difference between reporting a safeguarding concern and itching to 'say something' to the parents. Which actually just sounds like wanting them to justify it to you so you have all the details.

I can understand you're shocked at a child not going to school and that they were still awake at 2am. Be grateful you are not experiencing the same difficulties.

It's likely a very complex and difficult situation. Ella telling her friends she tells her parents she's unwell or too tired etc is almost certainly not the whole truth.

My child missed a lot of school. She was in an autistic burnout which was terrifying to experience and at times I genuinely feared for her life. I'm not going to go in to specific detail but she would have told friends she was too tired for school (not sleeping for 48 hours due to emotional disregulation will do that to a person). She would have been up at 2am and be lonely (due to the aforementioned not sleeping). She would chat to some friends online - but could not have managed to see them face to face or leave the house. There was also a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes.

On the face of it she might have seemed just like Ella does to you. If someone had decided to tell me I wasn't parenting, in the midst of our despair, I'd have probably reached the point of decking them.

I don't know if this is the case with Ella or there is something else going on. The point is neither do you and therefore hold your judgement. It's not your business.

So it’s the phone usage that’s the issue? Not attendance?

So? The OP knows that she has a track record of non-attendance, knows that on the girl's account she is not always ill when she stays off school, that she was calling her DD that evening seemingly with no symptoms of illness, and suspects that the parents are facilitating the girl staying off when she does not need to. These are safeguarding concerns. You do not have to have cast iron evidence to report, or know for certain that there is something wrong. Modern safeguarding training makes clear that it is appropriate to report all concerns even if they are just that - concerns that could have an innocent explanation. Reporting of all low level concerns allows the safeguarding team to build up a picture that can be acted on before a serious incident occurs.

And? Upshot?

you didn’t want to raise this with her parents before charging in to the school?

ok so be honest… what’s your beef with the parents op?

The girl has attended (or rather not) for ONE day

You don't know all the details of their family life, this is just being a busybody.

I feel that it is perfectly appropriate to report this as a safeguarding issue to the school so that they can be on her attendance from day one. They should treat it confidentially and you can emphasise that it must not get to the family that anything came from you. It's one thing to say that it's a family matter, but when poor parenting affects a child's life outcomes and right to education I think that it's appropriate to involve safeguarding.

Stay out of it OP and let the welfare officer do their job. You have zero idea what’s going on right now.

That surely isn't a safeguarding concern.

You know nothing but hearsay from a child.

Keep out of it.

You have literally no idea what’s going on in that household, from possible abuse, to hidden disabilities, to long term embarrassing chronic illness, to emotional based school avoidance (see the Facebook group not fine in school that currently has 75k + members!).

Stay out of it!

I mean yeah…pretty much this

I mean yeah…pretty much this

OP isn't suspecting child abuse though?

At what point does suspicions of child neglect (abuse?) become other people's business?

Because she thinks shes a better parent than Ella's mum and she wants Ella's mum to know that. She wants to make this woman feel small under the false pretence of concern.

Is this a reverse?

Oddly enough, it’s your daughter I feel “sorry” for.

It would appear her mothers tendency to judge and gossip is rubbing off on her

Unless your daughter picks up the same habits, its not really impacting you.

Kid refusing school often be a complex issue as other posters have pointed out.

However it can also be that the kid just cant be arsed, and if parents let her get away with it (as is case here) its not really going to get better.

I'd imagine in a few months down the line your daughter, who is cracking on and enjoying life, will have made loads of new friends at secondary and this friend will drift away from your lives.

Why do you think you raising it will have any more of an impact than the countless times primary school, attendance officers, the local authority etc have no doubt raised it?

Op focus on YOUR child who seems to have just started secondary school.

All that you’re hearing was coming from 10 and 11 year olds