AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

This

Clearly something else going on and likely between the OP and the other girl’s mother. Bugger all to do with concern for the child

And also yeah, low demand parenting, to hammer it home, sometimes includes letting people go online late at night.

I often did this when my daughter was in deep burnout and we were all not sleeping til 4am, because I knew about a zillion percent more about her needs than some fuckwit commentators here. What a lax terrible parent I was. End of! Gavel!

Because smug parental rigidity really works in situations of ND burnout, and doesn't lead to suicide attempts or anything.

You literally have no idea why she is not in school.

As many have said, it's a world of parenting you know so little about it would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

What do you know about PDA, demand avoidance, low demand parenting, autism, adhd, anxiety, low mood and depression among young people, etc etc etc etc? Exactly. Fuck all.

So fuck off to the far side of fuck. Maybe the girl's parents are shit, in which case the relevant agencies will be involved after a 50% attendance record. It's not possible to just slack off these days.

Or maybe they are dealing with problems that you have the vast privilege to be able to know absolutely fuck all about, and would rather present themselves as a family with a certain amount of control and agency to others.

So take your tiny, unimaginative judgy mind somewhere else.

As a parent who went through school avoidance, I'd say you only have a small part of the story.

I missed a lot of school as a child, for multiple reasons. Firstly, I had a traumatic, neglecful upbringing, even though no one would have been aware of that without skilled intervention. Secondly, I had undiagnosed autism and learned early to somatise in order to get the downtime I needed. And thirdly I had a genetic disease that was only diagnosed in adulthood, which probably meant I genuinely did feel tired or unwell more often than the average child.

If you'd spoken to my mum about my attendance record, she'd have dismissed you as a busybody do-gooder, and probably have taken her anger out on me. But she was very articulate and well-spoken, and very plausible whenever my absence from school was noted, and tbh it would have been very much better for me if someone from outside the family had flagged up some concerns with my school so that they knew to look more closely at the picture that was being presented to them.

So in your shoes that's what I would do. I realise the attendance officer will intervene soon, but they won't have the full picture. An 11-year-old playing computer games at 2am and thinking nothing of messaging your DD to join in is a child who is not ill or tired, so much as a child whose needs are not being adequately met, including, it would seem, her need to get an education. It think this is - or very plausibly may be - a safeguarding issue, and I'm surprised how many people seem to think you should keep your beaky nose out.

I agree on the surface its sad but whilst I share your concerns it really is none of yours (or mines) business.
Who knows the circumstances? Maybe a close family member is terminally ill? Maybe there are serious financial problems?
Also kids chat shite, to be blunt.

Other posters have already said it all but basically you don't know what's going on.
Yes, they may be terrible parents but equally they may have a child with unsupported issues, trying to find the best way through while struggling to cope. I've been there. I'm still there. And I'm sure some people think I'm a terrible parent for some of my decisions/actions.

@Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie i don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be concerned but I don’t think you have anything to gain from saying anything to the parents.

I might not allow my 11 year old to take phone calls after 8pm or something.

in my experience the educational welfare officer will be in contact with them pretty soon 🤷‍♀️

YANBU to feel sad for her, but her parents are probably very frustrated and likely have tried loads of things to try to get her into school rather than letting her do whatever because she’s tired and they WFH.

You will be unreasonable to do anything about it

And I forgot to say that most years, DC2's attendance was 100%.

DC2 was quite unwell in y8 but you would not have seen any unwellness on FaceTime or Zoom because it turned out to be severe anxiety caused by ADHD.

DC2 had many physical symptoms so it took us a while to work out what the problem was. They had countless blood tests and scans etc . Also got prescribed various medications.

I sent all the evidence of blood tests and GP and hospital appointments to the school. A little while later, I got a threatening letter from the council's attendance officer saying that DC2's attendance was already at x% and if it fell down to y% I was going to get a £1000 fine! I was furious. Despite being in daily contact, the school didn't warn me about this.

Don't meddle. And don't make up stories or false accusations to an authority.

Nd burn out is a real thing and is happening all over western Europe

The school, mum and local LA will cooperate. There is a massive flood of home educating going on. The family will weigh their own options

Yes, great idea, keep your dd away from people with disabilities because they aren't being a good role model.

Ffs, it's 2025, I thought this shit was over.

Unless your daughter picks up the same habits, its not really impacting you.

I would be actively discouraging my daughter's friendship with this girl, for whatever reason she is not going to school you don't want your daughter thinking it's a great idea.

For your own good, do not say anything. Unless, you wish to make an enemy?
That said I’d encorage DD to make other friends.

And it is plain and simple idiocy to think it is that simple. You're acting very superior for someone with a very low IQ.

Mind your own bloody business. Busybody.

If the child is suffering with EBSA I pray you never have to walk a day in the shoes of her parents OP. I'd keep your judgements to yourself if I were you.

YABU and a busybody.

This. OP MYOB, you have no idea what issues are at play here.

But you didn’t say that?

Anyway, I’m not quite sure why you think it’s any of your business, and why you lack the self control that would prevent you saying something to them. 🫢

Yeah many people said similar about and to me/my parents when my school attendance dropped to 18%.
I'm eternally grateful to my parents for saving my life, by prioritising my welfare rather than blindly forcing me into school when my life limiting health issues began.

OP, this girl could be tremendously anxious about school but is masking with her friend. I wouldn't be so quick to judge the parents.

Yeah, tell her straight, then please do report back and tell us how it went.

🙄

Remember, your intel has come from an 11 year old.

School will take steps when her attendance falls below a certain number. Schools were obviously lenient after covid but they're ba k to normal now! Personally I'd stay out of it, but would put daughter's phone to sleep at a certain time, so she's not disturbed by her friend.