MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

My DM used to come in and clean when we were away, despite me cleaning beforehand. It pissed me off but even she wouldn’t have dared enter our bedroom, let alone rearrange the furniture!

The point is she is not a MIL if there is no marriage. She is then her partner’s mother.

You’ve allowed this and previously welcomed it, you need to have a discussion with MIL to stop it now.

She is unaware.

I would be annoyed but, as I'm fairly lazy, I wouldn't clean and tidy before our next holiday and hope she comes round again. If neither of you tell her you don't want her to come into your home uninvited then she's not going to stop.

Nonsense, it's her home, not her mother in law's. Of course she can do something - she can tell her de facto husband that she's having the locks changed so his mother doesn't over step again.

If her de facto husband then decides he wants his mother to continue to overstep and argue with OP about it OP can then have that conversation and make her decisions accordingly.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

However, you're not married, it's your DP's house not yours and he seems fine with his mother doing this. So there's probably little that you can do, infuriating though it must be.

I mean, of course she's overstepping. That's not even a question. You don't (ever) go into someone's house unless it is an emergency, or agreed to by the owner.

Change the locks.

you're not married? you say dear partner vs dear husband so technically she is NOT your mother in law and is his mom.
it's his house, he gave her key.
she cleaned in such a way that he noticed and was pleased.

The re-arranging would annoy me, but it's his house, and if it's a one-off, he's okay with it and if you otherwise get on with her I'd leave it.

I'd be more concerned that he has the women in his life cleaning his house for him. Why doesn't he know "how much work goes into keeping on top of things?"

Leave a key in the lock or change the locks.

You;ve reminded me! I have posted about this before.

My sister and herhusband were on holiday. They house they rented at the time had no washer or space for one, so they would do their washing mums. She was being "helpful" (see post above) and emptied their washing basket for them. All of the washing was done, ironed and put away, except my sisters underwear, which was left on the bed near her bedside chest of drawers. DSis went to put them away and there was her vibrator, pink and proud! Mum had seen it and put my sisters underwear on the bed instead of in the drawer. As Dsis said, it would have been less obvious if she had just dumped the knickers on top of it, as it was she couldnt have made it more obvious that she had seen it!

I wouldn't like it. What if you accidentally left your giant dildo out whilst Mil popped over. It would be a no from me. My house is my sanctuary, my personal space.

Went to France for two weeks with the kids once and came back to a bare bathroom floor.
It was originally that delightful 70's carpetted look, which we were planning to get rid of and my parents decided to "help". Turned out that my mother had chosen the new lino to be put down but it couldnt be put down until after we got back.

I went properly batshit over it.

All I got was how ungrateful I was as they had taken up the carpet and were paying for the lino. Didnt matter that what they had chosen was not what we wanted, or that we didnt want to come home (after a 12 hour drive) to that, nope, we were ungrateful.

We sorted it eventually (sort of, not sure that they got that we appreciated the thought and the gesture, but not the execution) but they never had a key again.

So in short, no YANBU. Its your home now too, and she has no right to assume anything.

Did she help him before you moved in?

I think it's difficult when people retire and have too much spare time, they like to be needed and do nice things for their children, sounds like it's coming from a good place, but perhaps you need to have conversation and set boundaries.

It's your DP's house, his mother and he's OK with it

If she messed with your personal possessions you could complain

When you live together, things "daily done" as it were become standard and you don't really realise they're done until they aren't. He knew his DM had been in so just put 2 and 2 together wrong

It is not your house. It's your partners house and until you buy a house together, she will continue to exhibit a proprietorial attitude. Did she help him out with the deposit?

You need to get your own territory. Then she'll stop

It's creepy. I wouldn't like it. And rearranging your house, that is massively overstepping.

Change the locks 😵‍💫

Are you okay with your MIL popping in to clean? If not then address it, but if so, are you certain she's aware where your red line is? What did she actually rearrange? E.g. cushions and flowers would seem a non-issue. Bedroom furniture, bit weird.

The issue with your partner not noticing is a different thing entirely, but it really depends on the wider context. Is he thoughtful in other ways but just blind about this, or is he generally unappreciative? Also, on the flip side, do you notice what he does for you/the family? (Assuming he does things, of course!) I'm only asking because it's easy to slip into a habit of not thanking a partner particularly, just expecting things as business as usual. Maybe that's what's happened?