MIL lets herself in to our house - helping or over stepping

Presumably completely in his name

The fact you have no legal right to the house is pertinent to the issue

But continue ignoring that

it's a rental property?
so is he the only tenant, or are you both tenants?
(if your partner suddenly died, would you have any right to continue living in the house, or could the landlord take it back?)

He’s the tenant, not you.

Normally, I would just say change the locks. But if this is not legally your house, then that is tricky. I think you need to sort out your own rights first, then tackle your partner's mother.

OK. I’ve given a detailed response, but now you think those replies are ‘derailing’ your thread.

In which case, yes YABVU.
It’s not your house and she’s not your mother. You get no say.

And with your partner, again, yes, YABU. Hd did all the driving and all the heavy lifting in holiday, yet you resent doing the packing.

I accidentally voted YABU!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Help is great but it sounds like your MIL has forgotten to consider your boundaries.

Yes she probs should have said but her intentions were probably to leave you a nice surprise for getting home.
don’t get annoyed until you find out her intentions

You are not being unreasonable to dislike his mother's behaviour. Most of us would.

However, you are being unreasonable to think that you can influence it when the house is his (not jointly owned, and you aren't married either) and he seems happy with what she is doing. What you say just won't carry the same clout because you are not viewed as an equal.

You need to address the elephant in the room and it's not your partner's mom.

It's your partner not seeing you as equal. It's you living in a house you have no legal rights to and you think it's ludicrous that people are bringing that up when it's you ignoring a basic relationship inequality. Are you in his will to get the house and other financial assets if something happens? If you break up, you are SOL. You've been putting your money into his home.

He wants his mom to have a key to his home. You really don't have a say in what he does regarding his home, do you not get that? Her behaviour may be out of order with you, but if he wanted it to stop he'd get that key back.

It sounds like you are the house cleaning fairy and the man you live with doesn't even notice what you do. Is he not doing half the housework? There's another inequity. Who does the majority of work in parenting your kids?

She has said that they are not married.

@Openyoureyes102733 Nah! I would be asking her to return the keys!! all keys! if she starts moaning to dp then tell him that you are not prepared to have someone else raking about in your house when you are not there. if he says no, then seriously think what your are doing with him.

Why are you cleaning the house and doing all the packing / unpacking?

I’d want to start with understanding the situation. Are you a SAHM ? Are you married? Does he do any chores. Does he think of you as his human support appliance rather than an equal ?

Your MIL is not your biggest problem, not by a long way.

However, to answer your question, if she has gone beyond doing a bit of cleaning and tidying, and is now rearranging furniture, then yes she is in the wrong.

It's not ludicrous at all.

You aren't married and you aren't on the deeds of a property you are apparently financially contributing to. So you have children, own nothing of the house and have no legal rights to it. If your relationship breaks down then you could be out on the street with nothing and without a leg to stand on. If anything happened to your DP then you would also have no rights if there are also no wills in place (are there?) as all would go to his next of kin under the laws of intestacy. That next of kin would not be you and would more likely be his mother, siblings, cousins even no matter how close or distant/tenuous his links with them are.

People are rightly pointing out that, as infuriating/frustrating as your MIL's behaviour is, and regardless of the fact that technically she isn't your MIL, you have made yourself very vulnerable here.

Your DP clearly sees no issues but this really should be ringing alarm bells with you. If you aren't going to get married then at least get yourself onto the deeds of the house so that you actually part own it instead of just tipping money into a bottomless pit when it isn't even yours. Also, get mirror wills drawn up to avoid having to abide by the laws of intestacy if anything happens to either of you. Yes, of course wills can be changed, but it is far better to have them than not and it avoids the problems of intestacy.

If DP isn't willing to put you onto the deeds (not the mortgage necessarily, it's the deeds that denote ownership) and/or make wills now that there are children to consider then that should be a red flag for you.

My friend, who happily admits she is a clean freak, once did this when we were on holiday. She had the best of intentions.
I found it amusing, as for weeks afterwards I had to ring her to ask where the corkscrew/ small pan/ tea towels were.

MiL issue is a sideshow. This is not your main problem.

You are not married and you have no right of ownership in your home. That’s very concerning. The fact your DP doesn’t appreciate you and ignores your preference to ask MiL not to let herself into your home, suggests perhaps your DP doesn’t recognise your “rights” over the home you consider “yours”.

Strategically: you should ignore MiL’s visits; don’t complain. Instead focus on getting married or being put on the deeds of the house or having a % interest recognised (eg if you pay effectively pay contribution to mortgage and bills even indirectly (eg you pay for furniture and kids clothes and clubs) AND do free housework, childcare etc then your dh should recognise this.

If he refuses you have a big problem and need to secure your financial future an out her way eg stop contributing.

Unless of course you aren’t contributing in any way and are sitting on a bucket of cash having effectively lived there rent free, which would be possible eg if you were a sahm. Or you have a stash of savings in a personal account because dp lets you live with him for free?

It might be your home but it’s not even technically not your house - it’s just not your property and if you split up you are out on your ear with no rights to a share. It’s not ludicrous at all. It’s a fact. Thats a concern.

Hi Op,

I suggest you get onto Rights of Women ASAP and read their guide on cohabitation. As PP have pointed out, unless you are on the mortage/property deeds, or are able to demonstrate significant financial investment in your partner's property, you have no legal claim on the property. In the event of a separation, you could be made homeless. Your partner would have a financial responsibility to his children through CMS, but he would have no obligation to support you in any sense.

You do not have the protections of a marriage in which all assets are considered shared. I'd consider this a far bigger red flag than anything your MIL is doing.

When you say she rearranged the furniture, do you mean the sofas and chairs etc? If so, I’d go bloody mental!

I’d absolutely hate it if my MIL did this.

Time to spell it out to your partner. And there’s no reason why you couldn’t tell your MIL politely but firmly, ideally in front of your partner in case she’s the type to rephrase things…

Sounds like your DP thinks cleaning is a woman’s job 🤦‍♀️