DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

Bluntly, your son can't manage independent travel to the college. I know how difficult it is to find work that fits around DC who are EHE/part time attendance/can't manage transport, I've been there and I'm still there.

You know DS is not choosing to be anxious. You're (understandably imo) angry at your DP for him not recognising this. But you also have to accept that you will need to support DS with the travel.

Everyone is the wrong in different ways.
Taking the phones though. That is an appropriate punishment, neither one of them bothered to call you or even answer when you called them so if they can’t use them for their intended use, they lose them. I would have been so worried if I was in that situation and couldn’t contact either of them.

I find it interesting how you keep trying to avoid any blame here and keep putting this on your DP. You are also at fault here for not taking him to school on the first day. Going back to work soon isn’t an excuse for not stepping up and taking him during what is an incredibly stressful time for him.
Getting him back to school is a hurdle, but it’s not just the first day. It’s multiple hurdles. He has ASD and mental health issues, but it’s disingenuous to say he won’t adjust to going another way after that first time. I’m sure he has adapted plenty over his years of life and he would’ve also with the bus once you put the plans and steps in place.

I wonder if the reason your DP went hard at them is because he knew you wouldn’t dole out any consequences on them at all.
I hope your DD is okay, she didn’t deserve to be yelled at and he absolutely was out of line for that.

Give DD back her phone in the morning and send her to school. Then communicate with your son after they all have gone.
You are their parent if you don’t want DP disciplining them then say something. But you also have out boundaries and consequences in. Then the pair of you need to communicate.

You need to focus on DS this is a child who has been school refusing. He now is not in school the second day and you are still blaming your DP by confiscating phones. Surely you understand this was a punishment for them skipping school and not answering when you tried to find out where they were. Lots of issues sound like going on but how you think you are going to hold down a job when your DS is refusing school?

It does seem unfair for your daughter to be blamed for her brother not going to school. However a teenage boy who hits people when stressed is going to get a lot more than a shove in future, so it's best he learns that now.

I know it's not a good thing generally to physically discipline children, but I do think teen boys sometimes need a physical demonstration of power from an older man to keep them in check. I'm not suggesting a beating, but a teen boy who lays hands on someone should be left with no illusions that this is an option for him in future. We sometimes hear about older teens who rule over family members with fear due to violence when having meltdowns and it's not acceptable that they have learned this is an option, it needs to be slapped down immediately.

Was about to post this - I think your priority may be to leave him. I’d speak to Citizen’s Advice about getting on a social housing list to escape an abusive relationship and because your children are at risk.

So, if her DP has been such a saint for taking all of this on, why does OP want to leave him ? I suspect there’s a lot more to this than meets the eye. And I wholeheartedly agree with a pp who said a NT response to an ASD issue is the root of the problem. It sounds to me as though DP doesn’t understand autism and doesn’t want to. Which is a huge problem for the OP.

Are you sure your partner isn't the cause of at least some of your children's behavioural and emotional difficulties?! He doesn't sound like he manages his own emotions well at all if he is shoving an autistic child, shouting at your daughter and to make it worse doesn't even seem to see any issue with his reaction.Does he usually behave any better?

It sounds like your husband is acting out of uncontrollable anger and wants to hand out punisments without looking at the bigger picture. I dont like this at all. How do you feel about it? Does he have a form for this controlling bahaviour?

What a shit show. I imagine there’s a lot more going on here than your partner being angry that your children skipped school. What is the relationship like between the three of them usually? Do they like him? You say that you need to work in order to be able to leave him, so what else has been going on?
You’re not working and you know how anxious and the level of his MH issues, so I agree with others, you really should have either driven him in, or gone on the bus with him. You didn’t and now here you are.
Your partner shouldn’t have snatched their phones from them because now they will both shut down and you’re further back than square one. So yeah, a shit show.
You can’t work if your son doesn’t go to college, so that has to be your priority. End of. If that means driving him every day then that’s what you’re going to need to do.
You need to contact the college, explain what happened and ask for support going forward.
And apologise to your poor daughter who is stuck in the middle of this mess.

"Today was supposed to be such a big day for us."
Sounds like it was all hyped too much, increasing expectation and creating anxiety.
When my 11 year old had to travel to school by train, we'd already done a trial run. Then on the first day of school, I travelled in the carriage but away from her.
You could do the same on the bus. Be in the queue and on the bus, but apart from him.

After your son was diagnosed privately, was he put on anti-anxiety medication and if so has it helped?
Unless your DP makes it a habit to shout and yell at the children, I've so many parents act that way when their kids turn up safe. I worked in a big London store near the customer service desk where lost children would be reported.
Without fail, whenever the child was reunited with the parent, it would start with a telling off, then would come the hugs and sometimes tears of relief.

Your 14 year kids were missing and uncontactable for a whole day! Your DP's mind was probably in overdrive, thinking county lines etc.

This with bells on

I just wanted to say that MP3 players and dumbphones still exist. I often take them to the beach when I worry my actual phone could get stolen. A dumb Nokia for your daughter will be about 20 pounds, the same for MP3 player for your son.

You need to separate the children ensure that your daughter goes in and lives her own life. She's not the parent and shouldn't have the responsibility.

OP, you've said you want to work so you can leave your partner.

If this is the situation, you need to leave your partner now. I actually feel you are being enormously unfair to him - he is paying for you all, trying to parent (and sorry, but posts saying you are too soft and unrealistic are correct) - and you are ultimately not invested in this relationship anyway. He's probably desperately trying to get through the next few years and hope that he will have a life with you when they leave home.

Sort yourself out OP. If you want to leave him, then be honest and do so. And then parent the way you think is best, on your own. Good luck.

The college set up for him sounds great so you need to get him in. I'd be taking him myself for the next few weeks. Then you can start working on strategies so that he will take himself. Breaking it into small steps eg so that after a while you stop going into the gates with him , then you don't get off the bus at the stop with him( get off at the next one and pop back to check he's in) It absolutely can be done and will take a few weeks. But that will be better than home schooling for ever!

Firstly, he doesn’t need to do it from day 1. From day 1 he needs to get used to being in a school environment again. I think you’ve expected a lot of him, maybe do it in stages- take him to begin with and once he’s settled
he gets the bus.

You’re making excuses with ‘comfort item’ having his phone is a privilege and ignoring calls is a hard line. He can listen to music some other way but I don’t think confiscating his phone is wrong - he needs to know this is serious and unacceptable.

with regards to the shove, I think it’s very hard to expect someone not to react at all when hit - a shove away is very different from a hit back- it depends what it was!

Also if he has an ehcp you can get a tutor funded for home. But you would need to be at home. Also look at alternative education provisions in your area.

Your kids were unable to be located, supposed to be in school and not answering their phones? And it's your partners fault?

With the huge backstory, why on earth didn't YOU take them? They're your children and your responsibility.

You knew that your ds would struggle and you left him to navigate buses and get to school. By sending him with his sister, yes you did put a lot of responsibility on them both.

I know you said you need to work but kids come first. Get a job between school hours.

OP please take a step back. You are looking at this through the lens of your children did nothing wrong and your DP was at fault.

Their phones needed to be taken and now you are making big excuses. Actions have consequences - skipping school and being physical.

I am not naive to autism and understand this needs to be taken into consideration but it doesn’t exclude all poor behaviour. A lot of kids with autism don’t hit people. Yea they meltdown especially after a hard day of masking, may self harm and may be difficult but they know not to put their hands on other people.

You need to set boundaries and be firm with clear communication and consequences.

No your DD shouldn’t have been responsible but she also skipped school, didnt tell you about DS or her, ignored calls and texts and then didnt like the consequence.

Your DP’s reaction was right and he was parenting - maybe not in the best way but at least tried. You have made excuses, shifted blame and checked out.

Why isn’t it a good one? What coping/relaxing method would you use.

Your DS and DD are separate problems. DD seems to have become her twin brother's carer and she feels responsible for him.
From your post it seems she has taken this on to herself not that you expected it. Because it has become the norm I understand why he wrongly criticised her.
Please convince her not to appoint herself to this role and to live her own life and not be brought down by DS.
Ds and phone, he needs to learn about consequences to his actions.
Your DP is trying to help and support you OP he is in a difficult situation. He does not want you badly treated by your son or DD. Don't condemn everything about him. For one thing he is still with you, he hasn't left.

I have experience with dc that sound similar to your son. They can’t just walk into school after a year off without major anxiety. I would ask the school for a part time time table. Also drive them. You need to build up really gradually and understand his anxiety. Your poor dd sounds stuck in the middle. Is it a small school setting as that maybe what he needs. Your dp doesn’t seem to understand what your ds is going through.

Have you had SS involvement? AS I think front door for families/ early help could be good here..

You need professional support in the home - not just at college

You can accompany them on the bus for weeks though - however long is needed.