DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

Good on him he's parenting your children. What about you I feel sorry for your other half and what he has to put up with. You give in too easily to your son. That's very worrying.

@BlondeSpider Honestly it just gets worse. So your son's DLA and carers allowance is going on day to day household expenses, what your DP gives you probably barely covers his share. He sounds like a mean selfish bully. Have you got so ground down by everything going on that you can't see the wood for the trees? Ask the college for help in re-engaging your son, perhaps the 1:1 could visit him at home? If you can get him into college by any means (e.g.by car or going with him on the bus) you can deal with longer term travel arrangements if he settles. You are not helping him by assuming that he can't ever adapt, it's your job to support him do the things needed for him to have the best life he can. It's all about tiny steps, positive reinforcement and endless patience to build his confidence. This is from long experience - been there, done it and have many T shirts. Being defeatist won't take you or him forward, so if you need help for your own low mood you may need to address that as well.

I'm really sorry. You realise you've made a mistake and now you must do your best to rectify it. Can you sit by your sons bed and tell him you will be coming back to talk in an hours or so. Prepare him so that he knows he does need to talk to you. Then make a plan together and revisit the plan over the weekend so he knows what is going to happen on Monday. Would something like this help?

I have been in a very similar situation for the last year, thankfully my dc has gone in for the first two days of term, but I’m not getting my hopes up yet that we’ll ever be entirely back to normal. My dc can’t cope with the bus to school, so we have help from the LA for taxis there and back. The first two days I did the journey too, as dc needs to get used to the school before they can get used to the journey, so we tried that and it seems to have worked so far.

You haven’t mentioned if your son is on any medication? My dc has been on Sertraline since December last year, and it has made a massive difference. If his anxiety isn’t treated, I think he will find it harder to get back into the school routine. We still have some bad days with my dc, but it’s much more fleeting (ten minutes this morning where we couldn’t find something which caused a mini-panic, but thank god, still went in). Without the sertraline I’m sure we’d be back where we were in December. It just makes it manageable. Autism obviously isn’t treatable, but the anxiety is and that can be as much or more of a problem.

We also found CAHMS absolutely useless, even when dc was suicidal, there was no help at all available. I suspect we’d still be on a waiting list now. We paid for a private psychiatrist, and it’s not cheap at about £200 a month for each appointment and the prescription costs. But, I think it’s made all the difference.

Good luck. It’s so hard. The hardest year of my life, for sure. I hope things turn around for you all.

OP you are stuck in an abusive relationship and I think you know that with the money and the fact he led everything yesterday and has caused such a huge set back

and yes I do drive my DS to school and back every day but I jabbed the luxury of working freelance but that is so it can be around him. School is a stressor travel is a stressor so I remove one.

You're not a bad mum but you are allowing your boy to get away with it. Your daughter and his twin who I think you said is also autistic is a girl and girls tend to want to please. Your son is a male he is full of testosterone regardless of how you want to see him. You can't allow him to take control you need to guide him and discipline him. Encourage him to go to college rather than waste away in your house or put him in online school Netschool for example they want roughly £1200 per term up front or Kings High. He can't sit there and do nothing you will be brought to court and forced to return him back to school.

I am sorry you are getting such a hard time OP.

I understand the phone for music being the only thing that can soothe him and that unfortunately it cannot be your phone and so on. I am autistic and even as an adult, it would be my own set of music that was important to me and that they were played in the correct order that I am used to.

There seems to be so much going on and I am just about to go in to an appointment but I just wanted to say I get it, things aren't always as simple as they can look.

Horrible situation OP.
You’ve had some good advice here, but none of us can address any of this, only you can.

Please contact the college and put them fully in the picture, be honest, you and DS need all the support going. Talk to their safeguarding lead and SENDCO. Would they consider a phased return for the first term for example? Does he have counselling? Do you have a sympathetic GP?

From what you’ve posted, it sounds that your DP has done a lot to support your family (and they are your family) but things got too much, he went in all guns blazing and things escalated. How will you try to prevent this inevitably happening again?

It’s very hard for you to, but please be proactive rather than reactive. I would talk calmly to DP, and find an agreed way forward where you parent and he supports you in this. He might even feel relieved, or he might feel undermined, time will tell.

Short term, put work plans on the back burner, keep DS off rest of this week and talk to college today about a phased return. When I was safeguarding lead at a huge high school I would encourage the student to have input, rather than presenting it to them as another decision they have to adhere to. And get a GP appointment as soon as you can for both of you.

Your DD will be affected hugely by this, so don’t assume she’s okay, I’d flag up the family situation with her Head of Year, so they can keep an eye on her.

You might leave DP, but I wouldn’t do that now, as I think your DS will internalise this and blame himself causing further MH issues. Hard I know, and of course you know what you can and can’t cope with. Good luck.

OP you’re getting a hard time here and AIBU wasn’t the best place to post. I’d ditch this post and try the SEN board. A lot of people just don’t have a clue. You have my full sympathy for your situation and your ‘d’p is a prick. How dare he take your kids phones. I can’t imagine the fall out if I did that to my daughter.
We’ve had a lot of success with The Youth Fairy https://www.theyouthfairy.com/
Wishing you all the best, hang in there

op your instincts about your partner are correct. At the very least I would be letting my son know this is how you feel so he doesn’t feel quite so alone.
you need support to help you navigate adolescence, autism, the education situation, your boys mental health and the home situation with your partner who is really not helping, plus your finances. It’s a LOT, so I’m sending you the biggest squeeze, it’s going to be alright and you will be able to cope with all of this.
You’re going to be getting a lot of advice from people who just don’t have a clue on here. I’m sending solidarity because my situation a couple of years ago was very similar and but by bit we got through it.
your son is a bright lad and will be able to pick up in educational settings once things are stable so please try not to catastrophise about that, and please reassure him.
finance wise, does he receive DLA? If not you should be able to make a claim, get support from your local SENDIAS service. Have a look on the entitled to website if that’s what it’s called.. basically the benefits you can get if you’re single parenting. And look at it this way, it sounds like you could do with living separately from your partner at the very least, if splitting up with him right now feels too difficult, but ultimately he’s making the situation harder and not listening to you - your lives would be better without that.
you can contact your local front door for families and ask for a key worker, this is a social worker type person that can basically support you to support the kids as you’ve got so much going on, someone on your side to help get various services organised, perhaps help you with an EHCP If you haven’t already got one, help you do applications for DLA etc.
re the behaviour issues, self refer to CAPA first response as they are amazing at coaching parents whose children are using aggressive behaviour.
Seek support from other parents of autistic teenagers, and beware of asking the hoi polloi as people just do not understand and will give you really on helpful advice

If your DD gets the bus why are you collecting her. Honestly no one is calling you a bad parent but it was obvious with DS history the first day was unlikely to go to plan with you expecting him to start someplace brand new and negotiate transport, you need to now contact college to work with them with a real plan for tomorrow.

Exactly this. Honestly bizarre saying you can’t drive in every day when the alternative is home ed which will require ALL your time. It sounds like chaos, frankly. And can’t you listen to music with an iPod? Why does it have to be a phone?

You say that you cant drive him because he'll expect it and you want to go back to work at some point. However, if he won't go in on the bus you'll have to homeschool and won't be able to work anyway! It sounds like you have found a great school for him with 1:1 support, something that will be very beneficial for him. You need to drive him in and accept that is what is needed at the moment. Get him settled then reassess. There are many jobs for instance where you can start later to accommodate a school drop off.
Re the argument you need to talk to your DP about his temper and how best to approach these situations. My dd is ND so I understand the frustrations but shouting makes it ten times worse, as do punishments that work for NT children such as taking phones off them. Taking a phone from a ND child with anxiety that uses the phone to self soothe with music is a terrible idea after what must have been an incredibly stressful day for him. Blaming your dd wasn't fair but I'd have a quiet word with her to let her know that in future she needs to tell you when things go wrong so you can help and make sure their safe. Sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate. I had to drive my AuDHD dd into school from years 7-9 and there were often tears and tantrums and calls from school becauseshe wasnt coping, so I have some idea of what you're going through.

OP still hasn't said whether her son got anxiety medication and if it helped.
That surely is the point of seeking a diagnosis, to help him cope.

You really need to leave as soon as possible.
Your 'DP' is neither of those things and is clearly completely ignorant as to ND needs,which is inexcusable after this long in their lives.
Do whatever you need to asap

I dont understand your black and white thinking here at all. You are like DS has to get bus to college so I can work. But the situation is that DS can’t do this and you’ll end up with him at home and can’t work.

Parents of autistic children are often autistic themselves. This makes what seems like a totally obvious decision very complicated.

I'm inclined to agree.
My older sister, who is also diagnosed autistic, struggled all the way through secondary school with anxiety and bullies.
Homeschool simply wasn't a thing. It was "go to school whether you like it or not." But this was the mid-90s. Yes, there were kids that bunked off because they didn't like school, but there was none of these "school refuser" or "anxiety" labels, and they weren't pandered to. There was a shrug and a "well, it's your future..."

I completely agree with other posters who say it's a good thing that there are systems in place to support these kids... But where does "support" end and "pandering" begin?

OP certainly sounding defeatist which will transfer to her son. He needs a can do attitude from her and her partner.
Also the constant headphone music that soothes him? I don't suppose it's gentle string quartet music, more likely aggressive noise. Hope it's not damaging his hearing or his future difficulties will be even worse.

Perhaps as well OP, try posting on one of the parenting forums for children with difficulties. There could be a mum who overcame the same problems you're having.

If you're son had so many difficulties then you really should have taken a few weeks to get him settled into school. I can't believe you just sent him off on the bus. Now you are going to have a lot of difficulties getting him back in. How will you work now?

A stitch in time saves 9.

Op have you contacted the college and told them the situation? Have they any suggestions?

As I and others have said - you can get bus with him if you worry he will fixate on car and then be a massive issue to change. He won’t be capable of independent travel - I’m not sure why you think he will given this situation?

So because he isn’t capable of independently getting the bus your solution is to homeschool again? How does that help you back to work?
How does that help DS?

I dont understand your black and white thinking here at all. You are determined that DS has to get bus to college independently so you can work. But the situation is that DS can’t do this and you’ll end up with him at home and can’t work. The solution if it was me would be get bus to college with DS and look for part time role at college around this. Dinner lady, admin, cleaner, SEN support etc just get foot in door with college and support for you and DS.
I know a good few mums of ND children who have done this sort of thing as literally it can sometimes be the stepping stone their child needs and it gets them out of the terrible cycle of child stuck at home with no life.

You honestly need to throw out this idea of going back to work shifts and DS getting bus independently right now. That is not realistic for him right now. But you also need to not totally give up and homeschool him. Find some compromises! Lots of options you can explore and ask college for help.

Likewise if you want to leave DP then look for options to do so and try not to fall into black and white thinking of I can only leave him if x,y,z fall into place. You can leave him when you decide to! It isn’t easy - but it is doable. I and many women have done it! Life gets better when you take action and start directing your own life. Best of luck x

At our school if a SEN pupil of this age has a meltdown, hits a teacher or another pupil there are consequences. The son has to learn this now rather than as an adult.

I wouldn't be concerned about the push. He's 14 and he'll be out in the world before you know it. Better he learns it from his dad, that if he hits someone, they might just hit him back, than from a stranger on the street.
I feel sorry for your DD. Seeing him safely onto the bus was a huge ask for a 14yo, especially as he hasn't been to school in almost a year. An adult should have accompanied him - probably driven him in tbh.

Having read all your posts, doesn't it look like your DP blames you for being too 'softie' with your DS? We all lived without our phones before 2010 and we were fine, so they should be fine, too. Phone is not really a necessity - it's more an addiction. Music - you can buy him a simple iPod or a Boombox in his room. It does seems like you have sacrificed everything to baby your teenage son, there were probably some mistakes committed on the way of his parenting. Maybe he needed less electronics, which is very addictive, and more discipline and hard work, focus on academics, reading books, sports, etc. I understand DP's frustration, I would have taken their phones, too.

Have you spoken to his college about the situation?