DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

And he'll probably be relieved. Again he's not the father, not his sperm. Where is the birth father. Did he cut and run?

I've read plenty of threads on here where mumsnetters are at their wits end with 18 year olds who've finished school, are being violent, trashing the home, terrorising younger siblings. The advice is pretty much throw them out. Call the police.

Yet on this thread the stepfather is the villain.

Glossing very nicely over the autism and mental health problems, about which you clearly know nothing.

Well there is obviously an ongoing problem with her DP or she wouldn’t be preparing to leave him.

OP has already said her son uses music through his phone as a self soothing and self regulating routine. What autistic children did before phones is irrelevant - this is the boy’s coping mechanism and the fact that DP has taken it away is pretty much proof that he doesn’t understand autism and doesn’t want to.

He’s been dealing with verbally and aggressive behaviour for weeks on end plus being the sole earner for the last couple of years. If that wasn’t stressful enough there was finally an end in sight and it instead turned into a stressful day with missing kids.

The softly softly approach hasn’t worked, and while I don’t think his behaviour was right I can see the reason behind it (not an excuse for it). OPs son is not a little boy, and he’s only going to continue to get bigger. In a couple of years he’s going to be an adult. Nothing has changed in the last few years so how is carrying on the same way going to make things change in the next couple of years? Then there will be a consistently aggressive adult in the house.

The obvious solution was OP getting the bus or driving DS to school but she’s refusing that as an option. OP has only mentioned previous aggression from her son, presumably they have been trying to deal with that calmly all summer (or there’s going to be a drip feed that her partner has also been physically and verbally abusive all summer, not just her son) and it clearly hasnt worked.

@XiCiand how did all these poor children cope before phones were around. What made up nonsense you are talking about.

You missed that her son has autism and significant mental health problems then ?

Absolutely 💯 my friend has worked with and taught SEN children for 40 years at a special school. She's done the D of E with them up at the lakes and in the mountains. Run a weekly club for them, on top of teaching at school. Her main complaint is that the parents infantalise them. At 18 they leave the special school, parents screaming because they can't cope, who will care for them now.

Here's a suggestion

You haven't got the foggiest clue about raising neurodivergent children

Of course he's being held to a higher standard. He's an adult! He's screaming in the face of and physically shoving a small 14 year old boy who has autism and mental health problems. Think of how differently it could have turned out had the kids been spoken to calmly but firmly. Finding out what happened and why, how they can stop it happening again, what needs to be in place to help, explaining why it cant happen again etc etc. This is how most people would deal with this, not screaming in both their faces in a rage as soon as they walk in, physically shoving them and taking the one thing from an autistic child that calms them down when they are already in a state of heightened anxiety. I don't know how you can defend that from a grown man

OP - you've clearly got a lot going on in your life and there's a lot to unpick in your posts.
But on a practical note, have you applied to your LA for transport for your DS? He has an EHCP and I'm assuming his new placement is named in Section I. If so, especially as he's under 16, the LA has a statutory duty to provide what's in Section F of his EHCP - and as you've not chosen to home educate him, that's in his place of learning.

As he has SEN, the usual 3 mile rule doesn't apply if they try and fob you off. Speak to the Senco at his setting - they may be prepared to help you apply - especially as his placement looks like it could break down.
Transport could be a bus with other students or even a taxi. You have evidence that expecting him to travel independently on public transport isn't working. Of course they have offered him a bus pass - that's the cheapest option for them.

Ipsea has some good advice on this:
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/transport-to-school-or-college

Also Sentas:
https://sentas.co.uk/

Ipsea runs a free helpline for parents of kids with SEN - it can be really hard to book a slot but you need to keep trying everyday. Also SOS!SEN are good: https://sossen.org.uk/

Also - I would recommend that you try and keep him on roll - even if he's not able to actually attend. If you take him off roll, there's less pressure on the LA to deliver what's in his EHCP. As he's Yr10 now, putting it bluntly, some LAs know they only need to fob parents off for a couple more years before DC cease to be of statutory school age.

The other option you have is asking for an emergency Annual Review.

Here’s a suggestion:
No school = no phone or internet.

I bet he changes his tune a bit quicker.

And yes, you need to drive him. You essentially set him up for failure.

If you dont like how your partner is parenting yoir children (which sounds normal to me), do it yourself.

I cant believe you've got a 14 year old boy who thinks its okay to.hit someone and not.go to school.

Just take a look at all these threads in Relationships from women who are with men who dont work and think its okay to physically hurt them.
Those men dont just magically appear in the world.
They start as boys.

OP needs to make a proper plan to leave her DP. She can’t go to a women’s refuge with both her children, and certain other temporary accommodations won’t be appropriate either.

If they rent then DP might be open to leaving and finding alternative accommodation himself, and universal credit would hopefully help with rent given DS’ needs limiting OPs ability to work. I think OPs first port of call should be entitled to or CAB to find out her benefit entitlement if she were to be a single mother. But at the moment with nowhere else to go simply getting up and leaving and hoping for emergency accommodation is unlikely to make things any better.

I think you are being soft and sounds like your partner is the only one willing to parent the kids. Too bad if your son wants his phone to listen to music - put the radio on, put music on the tv. Enough is enough - step up and parent your kids. Removing their phones is a minor punishment for the way they have behaved.

Yes! All of this. Your son needs the phone to regulate. Your partner has no right to take it away. It’s abuse. And he is controlling you, not allowing you to bring your kids up the way you would like. You need him out of the picture. Call Women’s Aid asap and find out your rights. Get him out. And support your son who sounds like he was doing so well until your DP messed it up. It can all be resolved. Without DP.

Or just at his wits end with OP and passed the point of being rational. All four of them are struggling to cope and be rational and that’s understandable.

OP left DS to get the bus with his sister, she must have known that was never going to work.
DD disappeared with her brother for the day and did not contact or respond to her mum or step dad
And of course DS is massively massively struggling.

DP is also being unreasonable but he seems to be being held to a much higher expected standard.

@XiCioh yes he’s the bad one. Op should just walk away then and she can fund herself and her kids.

Absolutely. And him taking the kids phones to work is yet another example of how much of a cunt he is

A part of me wonders if you set him up to fail OP because in some ways it’s easier ti have him at home and know how he is and what he’s doing. It’s become routine for him but also for you.

You and DP need to have a serious and honest discussion about what all the issues are and what kind of help you can get. You act like in the family you and your son are the only ones with issues, ignoring the problems and pressures faced by your partner and daughter, and that sounds like it’s leading to increased frustration from your partner and increased anxiety from your daughter.

You can’t expect DP to support you and your two children financially but not to be able to discipline them or accept 6 weeks plus of verbal and physical aggression, plus the stress and anxiety of two children going missing for a day and not bat an eyelid.

It seems like you and DS have a very codependent relationship, which isn’t necessarily surprising or a deliberate choice you’ve made. But it is a bubble you need to break out of for both of your sakes.

Exactly. I would leave if I were your dp. Your children sound so problematic and difficult and now violence on top.

I’ve read everything and both my kids are autistic

Autistic people are capable of learning, adapting and changing their patterns of behaviour and routines. It may take longer, it may be harder, it may need support but that rigidity is not absolute. You are undermining his development by not stretching him at all.

You driving your son to College, and supporting his transition gradually doesn’t mean he won’t ever get the bus - that is your own rigid thinking talking.

Talk to the SEN team and ask for advice but it is wholly possible that he can transition to College successfully with the right support.

He isn't the parent, but he's doing his best. Where is the father in all this?

Given he is very clear about his money, expects that to last on food for a week presumably including him and that is the only money she gets, and he sees his friends regularly and she never does - I imagine not.

Look having a child with these kind of issues is hard and it can break relationships where both are the parents it isn’t a surprise they are having issues.

But the fact he is taking the lead when he isn’t the parent, clearly has resentment about the fact this is where it has ended up (which is kind of understandable) is an issue for the OP and her children