DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

I know priorities are all over the place. I have to ask is this AI interacting with us?

Still no response as to where the children went all day. How did they spend their time? Were they safe?
This may also give some indication of what he is able to tolerate - eg did he catch another bus into town, go to McDonald’s or did they just wander for hours?
It sounds as though home educating wasn’t ideal either and if anything his behaviour has got worse with increasing violence and aggression over the summer. What support have you received OP? Has there been any CAMHS or social care support? Any occupational therapy intervention? Why did you have to seek a one off private assessment ? Had he had any assessments by CAMHS and what was fheir opinion? Autism assessments usually take place over a series of assessments as opposed to a one off meeting - did you have a full extended assessment or just a 1 hr meeting? What interventions were offered to manage his self harm , his anxiety and aggression? Was family therapy offered? Any intervention for his sister who must find living with her brothers violence frightening ?
What are his plans do this future, interests, hobbies? Is his behaviour now very different to when in primary school as it doesn’t seem that the possibility of autism was flagged in primary school?
He, you and the family as a whole need the correct input and while you may be in receipt of this it’s not clear from your posts.

They have already been punished by DP's aggressive and abusive shouting at them as soon as they walked in the door.
This stopped OP being able to sit down and talk to them calmly and find out what actually happened.
His treatment of the DD was disgraceful.
He took their phones to work too - he's actually punishing OP and preventing her from sorting this out.
Even teenagers phones are essential equipment for emergencies if nothing else.

Did you call the police or go out looking for them yesterday?

They shouldn't have wondered off he was right to tell them off. You say he went in "all guns blazing" is minimising what they did. You don't sound that concerned or believe they should have any consequences which is why you are in the situation you are in. Why didn't his dad pay for his assessment why your partner?

You say you can't go out do you have younger children under the age of 12? I don't understand why you can't go out. You could go to work on the evenings and weekends if you want to. Plenty of care work out there. You could contribute to the finances and have freedom for yourself. Your partner has taken on you and your children and he takes on most of the responsibility. He's even doing the parenting for you because you don't like disciplining your children.

Autism is genetic, runs in families. Is there a wider picture?

Could there be more complexities here?

Is his father autistic? (Where is he in all this, while your partner is supporting you and his children?)

Are you autistic?

Is his twin sister autistic?

Autistic women and girls have largely gone unnoticed, unseen, unsupported through generally being better at masking.

Especially where more noticeable issues are being exhibited by a boy, which can pull attention one way.

Is she getting any support, or just inappropriate responsibility, punishment and blame?

Where did you get that from? That OP doesnt contribute to the house?

I think OP needs educating too. Unfortunately from what she says CAMHS has let her down, she had one private assessment. All this late in the day so her son is out of control now.

No there's nothing more going on here: you have a mum who doesn't work or financially contribute to the house but also dont use her free time to eg drive her kid to school when she knows he has issues with school attendance.

Then you have a 14 year old boy who physically assaults people.

Those are the facts.

It has been explained a while ago that she didnt want to leave her twin brother at the bus stop.

This. The ignorance of what autism actually is, is breathtaking.

That isn’t the point. It’s the routine that matters. It’s a coping mechanism and DP should not be blocking access to it. It will only make things worse.

Yes, people would have other comfort objects or rituals.
This child now has his phone to play music as a tool to calm down.
Its not your place to tell them to use a different tool that doesnt do the job.

Oh OP this sounds like such a stressful situation. I had a similar situation but without the suicide threats and the abusive partner - and that was awful enough.

I don't have any answers but I don't think your current plan is going to work and it's going to put you under too much pressure. I don't see how you're going to be able to work long enough to save enough money to leave without things falling apart at home. Have you been to the CAB and checked what other benefits you're entitled to? Would Women's Aid be appropriate? Your DP does seem quite abusive and is causing damage to your DC. Maybe at least they could advise you.

I really think you'd be better home schooling for now so that you can remove the pressure of school. Obviously I don't have a crystal ball and your son might 'improve' but my DS dropped out of college and now does nothing and will possibly need me to support him for the foreseeable future. There's no point me stressing about it because I can't control him...all I can do is be understanding and kind and hope that he finds his way. On a positive note, he used to be very angry and argumentative and he hardly ever is now at 22. Stress plus testosterone isn't a good combination.

Please try not to listen to the people on here going on about you not working....that always happens on here. Of course you haven't been able to work given the situation at home. Plus who cares? Not working is not a moral failure and you don't have to justify your actions to the harsh, insensitive of mumsnet. It reminds me of that meme "If you want advice with your autistic children, ask someone with neurotypical children - they have all the answers".

No-one is denying that. Not even OP as she says that’s why she needs to work. My point is that there is clearly a lot more going on here than meets the the eye, and it’s clear from what OP has posted that Dp doesn’t understand autism and has no intention of learning.

No it isn't okay and an insult to parents with an autistic child who has learnt actions have consequences.

Yes, that was my first thought

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

He's 14 years old, 5' 5" lashing out verbally and physically. Fast forward four years, he'll be a lot taller, stronger. His anger which is bad now will be worse. It's not just puberty this is it going forward. No consequences, just indulgence.

At which point she will have to get off her bum and pay her own bills and parent the kids alone

I agree its a normal reaction if it happens straight away. OP said that her husband came back after a moment and pushed him.

Sorry does that make it okay to physically assault people then?

@Rosscameasdoodyand he can only access music from a phone? No where else?

OP - how well do you understand your son’s diagnosis? What strategies have you been given to help him? Have you reached out to any charities? What support could the college SEND team offer?

I feel there’s a degree of limiting belief here - he must have his phone or he can’t regulate
he must not be driven to college as he will expect that forever
he is angry and therefore lashes out.

i know first hand how incredibly challenging raising an ND child is, but there are some excellent ways you can support DS to be more accepting of change and manage his emotions appropriately.

I won’t comment on your DP other than to say that only you really know what’s going on in your relationship and what his reaction to the kids missing school means in a wider context.

I agree it’s best for them all if the relationship ended. OP has only mentioned financial issues and this occasion of aggression though and hasn’t suggested he has any history of physical and verbal aggression like her son does.

As I mentioned in a previous post OP needs to make a plan to leave him that doesn’t rely on her going to a women’s domestic abuse shelter or what may be inappropriate temporary accommodation. I also don’t think she should wait until she’s working and has a secure income as that sounds a way off.

edit: pressed post before I meant to. I imagine her partner would also say there are ongoing problems. Hence why OP needs to take control of the situation and figure out her options before she’s left scrambling because he’s left. Acting sooner rather than later is in everyone’s best interests here