DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

But the dh is to blame.
It is his response to the situation which had led to DS now never going to college

I think that people thinking that they can treat ND children the same as NT children are really not understanding how ND brains work.

Someone shouting at me because I got overwhelmed and couldn’t do something instead of calmly talking things through with me just means that I will never ever do that thing.

Don’t shout as that just shuts my brain off to anything and as for removing his phone
(the phone you pay for) I would actually log it with the police as theft.
Your dp needs to give you back your property and if he insists on acting like he has 2 NT step children then he needs to leave he is causing life altering trauma with his actions.

I can understand exactly what your DS is going through. Me personally would have secretly followed him to college and if they hadn’t got on the bus would have then wandered up to the bus stop as if you were going on the next bus or followed and seen where your dc were going and accidentally bumped into them.

Does this plethora of evidence about the effects of screen time relate only to NT children.

As someone with ADHD and ASD I use mind numbing games and scrolling in order to quieten the noise and think. If someone said I couldn’t have my phone then the decisions I would make would reflect the disastrous knee jerk decisions I would make throughout my life before there were phones to scroll through

I also my phone in order to get to sleep.

It’s not about soothing but about distracting the brain enough in order to quieten the noise

You wouldn’t think it was optimal to get to sleep if 1000 tvs and radios etc were all playing 1000 different things at full volume. The phone acts as a volume control

So, your son clearly had no intention of going to school, but you're now blaming this on DP?

Your son took the bus but planned not to attend, this all happened before any shouting or pushing happened. You're worried about what comes next, and placing that anxiety on your DP as anger.

So your DP supports you all. His situation is pretty miserable too isn’t it. Would you want to be him? So he goes out at weekends. If they were his kids that would be unreasonable but they are not. You don’t like him and have said you’re only with him for the money. The consequences of your DS not going to school are pretty massive on everyone.

Your DS is ruling your world because he was suicidal and he's autistic and you are holding on to this as your own safety blanket, allowing him not to engage with the real world and using his difficulties as an excuse for your discipline and boundary-lacking relationship with your children

I agree with this, and am going to add that she didn’t actually want her son to succeed at college. She set him up for failure by not taking him, or preparing him for the bus and after one bad day she’s decided that he is unlikely to go back. She wants him at home with her.

I’m not suggesting they bunked off because of it. They bunked off because he was completely overwhelmed with what was expected of him returning to school after a year of home education and then expected to stroll in to a new school without a parent to support him.
But my issue is that the OP has no idea where they were for hours, not answering phones . They haven’t told her and she doesn’t seem at all curious about this. They could have been with friends but unlikely as the friends would be in school. The daughter will not tell her which makes me think they are hiding something otherwise it would be “ we just hung around the shops and went to McDonald’s “. They didn’t just come straight home

Its a ridiculous thing to say given that OP gives no evidence whatsoever that over the summer or previous to the summer her children are at risk of grooming, have been seen with drug paraphanalia, have been missing before, have come home with money or items that arent theirs etc etc etc

And this is classic MN bingo quite frankly, poster seem to think that all exploitation or all drug use or all dealing is linked to county lines. They're obsessed with it.

Children that are seen hanging around all day with nothing to do without friends or parents round them can be targeted but there isnt a pattern of this at themoment for OPs children (and hopefully there wont be). To suggest that they bunked off school because of it is ludicrous.

There is plethora of evidence related to negative effects of excessive screen time, scrolling, the fact that devices keep children indoors and disconnected from the real world leading to heightened feelings of isolation, depression, anxiety and disassociation. This is not helpful to anyone and in particular not to ND people, especially children with still developing brains. Using this sort of tech is a plaster over a giant wound, a temporary fix. It causes addiction and deepens self-regulation issues. Longer term it contributes to far poorer mental and physical health outcomes. A music-only device combined with spending time outdoors and exercise would be a far healthier choice than OP's son sluggish in bed in his room disconnected from the world but 'happy with his phone' that is 'soothing'. It's total bullshit and another way in which OP is avoiding doing the hard work of parenting and perpetuating her son's problems.

I agree with this. OP, all I read from your posts are excuses for your DS and having zero authority in your household. Your DS is ruling your world because he was suicidal and he's autistic and you are holding on to this as your own safety blanket, allowing him not to engage with the real world and using his difficulties as an excuse for your discipline and boundary-lacking relationship with your children. You also shift the blame on your DP and thrive in victimising yourself and your DS instead of moving forward. Nobody can or should put up with this, I feel sorry for your DP and DD.

If you say, per your own post, that your DD doesn't have MH issues as a result of your approach and having to look after your DS because you aren't parenting him then you're utterly delusional.

I think you are being a bit soft, really.

Your DC have been very irresponsible and selfish. It’s one thing to skip school- not acceptable, but I can sort of see how it transpired. However, not answering their phone or letting you know where they were or even just that they were ok was actually very poor behaviour. I would be furious and extremely disappointed in my DC if they did that. I think it is absolutely ok to let them know that you are both angry at what they’ve done and disappointed that they have behaved this way. That said, your DP was wrong to lay all the blame on your DD- she is not more responsible than he is and certainly not responsible for her brothers actions. He should apologise to her for that.

Having their phones taken is the very least of the punishment I would expect in these circumstances. They have shown they are not using their phones or independence responsibility or for communication with you. If they can’t be responsible then they don’t get privileges that require responsible use.

They are absolutely are old enough to know missing school = getting into trouble. They are more than well aware that choosing to ignore you and not letting you know where they were or even that they were safe (for all you knew something awful could have happened- an accident, been hurt or been abducted) was utterly wrong, and that you would be really worried as well as angry. They chose to do it anyway. They deserve to be in trouble- more for the actions after the decision to skip school, if I’m honest.

Your DP was fine to push off your DS after he hit him- he didn’t hit him back, he pushed him off him. This is not an unreasonable response to being hit.

Im so sorry you are in this position. My son is 6 with autism and can get,
for lack of a better word aggressive due to anxiety.
Its like his fight or flight is in overdrive when he feels threatened which is what this sounds like. His dad (bio) thinks he should cop on and get on with it too so I get how unhelpful that is in the moment.
He hasn't had a great time transitioning back in to school after the summer, so I can only imagine what your son is feeling going back to a new school after so long.
I hope ye will all be ok and he will go in soon.
Its so hard sometimes x

Boys are easily led but as long as ops son doesn't come home with brand new trainers and a pocket full of money then all is good.

Her daughter saying "It doesn't matter" shows a lack of respect for her mother. The op is not her friend she has put no boundaries in place. All of the ops posts sounds helpless and the only person with strength is her partner. The issue is she wants to demonise him to make herself feel better. Get rid of him she's left to do it all by herself and she knows they will take over because she's easy.

County lines is a bit of a leap. DS was too anxious to get on the bus, his twin stayed with him. The more likely explanation is they just hung out together and ignored the calls. They knew they'd get in trouble and went for the "may as well be hung for a sheep than a lamb" option. If I was leaping to any conclusions, it would be that DD was trying to persuade her twin to come home. It was a flight reaction to severe anxiety, nothing suggests DS has been groomed into CL.

Yes I know it’s real but they missed one day of school. I don’t think it’s a prerequisite the first day you bunk off!

I agree it’s concerning but nothing suggests that they’ve been groomed prior to this. Sorry just feel it’s a huge leap

Because county lines is very real. And vulnerable young teens who don’t attend school are the kids who get drawn into it.
In case you missed - both of the kids were missing for the whole school day and neither of them will say where they were other than “ doesn’t matter”. It’s concerning. I’m not saying that they are involved with CL but it’s a possibility and if he continues goinh missing during school time and his parents don’t know his whereabouts they also need to be very aware of this

I feel like your partners reaction has absolutely no bearing on your sons attitude on returning to school. Your cannot lie this at his feet.

County line? Wtf are you on about, where did that come from?

It almost sounds like you think that shoving (physical aggression) is a way to teach kids not to hit?

I don’t imagine hitting a child to punish them for hitting is the route to go to teach them that hitting is bad

I think you MUST take him into college. I know you keep saying it'll set a routine, you need to get a job, etc etc. But the routine that is being set now is that he is not going to college. If you allow that to bed in, he'll never go and you'll never be out of the house.

Go on the bus with him. See if his 121 at the college can meet you/him off the bus. If not, at the front door. And if they won't help at all, arrange to meet her somewhere in the college with him.

Probably go to the college alone first and have a meeting with his 121. Explain the situation.

You've got to start somewhere. Just sticking with the 'If he doesn't do it himself first time he won't do it.' isn't going to get him out of his room and into the college. START the routine with him and step back a little bit at a time.

How do you force a 14 year old to go anywhere?

Last time we physically forced DS to school was when he was 8, and it was deeply distressing, counterproductive and something I really regret doing. He's 12 now and trying to force him would most likely lead to at least one of us getting injured.

I have no answers - because there is no easy, one size fits all solution to this problem. We've accessed, or tried to access, most of what is available locally but even if I can get DS to attend, say, counselling, I can't make him engage with the counsellor.

What support have you received OP? Has there been any CAMHS or social care support? Any occupational therapy intervention? Why did you have to seek a one off private assessment ? Had he had any assessments by CAMHS and what was fheir opinion?

My personal experience of CAMHS is that they wouldn't engage with my son's anxiety and depression because of his autism. He got two meetings. The first confirmed that the bullying in school was having a significant detrimental effect on his MH so he should be educated online until a new school could be found for him. That was genuinely helpful as the GP just wouldn't believe DS account of what he had been experiencing in school.
The second meeting was to discharge him because they said that his autism prevented him from engaging with their intervention. Hopeless!

Regarding an autism assessment, we also had to go private because the wait list is so long in our area that, despite being referred in the first year of primary school, we understood that it was unlikely that he would be seen before he started secondary school! We felt that we had no option but to pay for a private diagnosis or our son would have been embarking on secondary school with no clear understanding of his condition. We organised a private autism assessment in year 6.

Just a couple of examples of the kinds of difficulties that ND children and their parents face in accessing education.

OP you say you are worried enough about DS to not leave him alone on the weekend but today you left him whilst you took DD to school who could have got the bus? both your kids went AWOL for what sounds like all day. Why are you not more concerned? Has the college telephoned you re DS missing now two days of college? If my kid went AWOL then appeared then I would be angry as well as relived and obviously wonder what they were up to but you seem to be focusing on your DP reaction rather than your DS needs and ignoring people who ask where they were. Clearly you don’t want to homeschool but with disruption to expected routine and start to college now for two days doesn’t mean you should give in and not try to get him to the college offering 1_1 support.

Did you not ask your daughter where they were? You gave her a lift in this morning! “ It doesn’t matter” doesn’t cut it - at all.
Were they with anyone? County lines? Not knowing where they were for the duration of a school day is a serious safeguarding issue