DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

So difficult. I do think you need a plan if your son doesn’t manage to go back though x

I think you need to take him, when he gets to like going, you can drop back, he clearly needs the support:

It seems you would prefer home school to taking him to colledge, you need to build up the in-between.

Donuts some work or no work!

I don’t think your DP helped the situation, and now made it worse.

I think getting angry at them for not being contactable all day was completely understandable as you must have been very worried and they need to know that, however I think the point is being missed here, that forget all the punishment stuff, you need to get to the bottom of WHY he didn't go into school, listen to and empathise with his reasons, then think about how to fix it.Otherwise you won't be dealing with the root cause of the issue and will likely have continued further problems with him going in if he doesn't feel heard or supported and is just thrown punishments.The lashing out side isn't ideal at his age, no, but to reduce his physical anger you need to try and reduce the triggers for it....and not model physical reactions yourselves.

Just tell him you’ll drive him tomorrow or for one week or whatever and then he gets the bus with his sister. That’s pretty normal for starting school.

That. I don't know why some posters are implying that they planned this. It's far more likely that, knowing her brother's mental state, she was scared to leave him alone when he refused to get the bus.

She really shouldn't ever be part if the plan to get him to school.

Both kids chose not to go to school today and chose to ignore your calls. I agree both should lose phone privileges

your DS is absolutely old enough to know he can’t go round physically attacking people, autism or not. So I can understand the fact your DP shoved him back

I can’t understand why you didn’t drive your DS. Even if that needs to be his routine from now on if you do- surely that’s what you do if it means he goes to school? And then DD won’t have to feel responsible too

Your DP is not their dad and does not get to decide the consequences. You do. I actually agree with no phones for the night and I’d also take them off them tomorrow night too. But it is up to you not him and if you say you want the phones back, he needs to listen to you. The fact he seems to rule the roost is concerning

Your DD could have phoned you and said he’s still at the bus stop I’m going to school. Or both come home.

I'm sorry, but your child needs support not a firm hand.
Its quite obvious to me, that he isn't capable of coping with education.
That needs to be explored, it needs to be broken down into segments and you need to help him figure out what he can and cannot cope with, and which things he can do on a sliding scale, of good days to bad days.

What was the advice given within his outcome report? What support was reccommended that he have?

I think you need to really take a look at how DS can be supported, and how you can work around his needs, or in all likelihood he isn't going to have any more education than he has at current. Pushing him, and being heavy handed when he needs support will make him internalise all of these struggles more than he already does, so I think you need to work on making things fit around him, and building around that.

My DD wasn't diagnosed with Autism until year 12- and by that point we were clear that for her to continue her education, that I would need to take her to and from college (a college over 40 miles away, teaches a specialist subject linked to her special interest) every time we have tried to rely on public transport she has been really quite unwell. She's fainted, had panic attacks, been physically sick and each time I've had to go and get her anyway.

I think as parents we need to try and make things happen for them, as we figure out how to break down the barriers they struggle with, and to do that, we really need to understand their struggles, and not that they're just being arseholes.

Also, your DD was put in an awful situation being blamed for her brothers actions. I think she was trying to do the best in an uncomfortable situation.

Why can't you drive him until you are no longer able to due to starting a new job?

This!

And if you can’t get them back you can drive the kids, or at least dd, in.

Maybe do that on your way to the police station to report the stolen phones.

I have a distinct suspicion that a lot of this issues would be improved by not having to live with an angry man.

Massive drip feeds here!

Why does your DP get to confiscate their phones if you don’t agree? Surely you should put your foot down and say, no, this is his way of self soothing. Can he listen to music any other way?

He sounds awful from this drip feed, not like a father figure at all, but an abusive bully.

But you also sound very passive in all of this - both re your son and your “D”P.

I'm all for home ed in this kind of situation, but I don't actually think your logic works here - if you are willing to quit work to home ed, then you might as well quit work to drive him to school each day and then do some kind of money-making activity (or even just exercise & housework, if you might need to keep picking him up) while he is there, if you think the school environment and course access would actually help him.

Why does he get a bloody say

and of course your DD needs to go in tomorrow

DP is refusing to give them their phones and listening to music on his phone is the main thing he does to soothe and he hasn't done that. I also don't really feel comfortable with DD travelling to school without her phone

Then go and get the phones and give them back. YOU are the parent so it’s YOUR decision

But you did - you knew they were gojng together and that he would be difficult so what did you think would happen

Your DP was so far out of line with what he said he isn’t even on the same playing field and he needs to apologise

but you need to take responsibility and not let them go together - mine always goes separately she needs to leave and protect her own education.

Does your son have an EHCP? If not, you should apply for one. Anxiety which prevents a child from accessing school meets the definition of a learning disability. Having an EHCP would meant that provision should be in place to help him deal with his anxiety, and he may also qualify for school transport.

If you can get medical evidence confirming that your son cannot access school form due to mental health difficulties, you could get the LA to arrange education out of school under section 19 Education Act 1996.

Have you looked into Pans/pandas op?

The worst thing your DP did, I think, was to put this on your DD. That wasn’t fair. She must have felt massively conflicted between her brother and the “authority” figures of parents and school.

Shoving your DS, after he hit him was, I think, fairly mild. Not ideal but not terrible. Your son is 14 not a little child. He needs to know he can’t just hit people, autism or not

I think your children need to travel separately. DS’s attendance can’t be tied to DD’s. I would try an adult going with him tomorrow if at all possible.

Id also be speaking to the school and all possible avenues of support as this can’t go on.

Edit - it’s also better than he goes and expects to be driven than to not go. If you have to drive him, so what? You can’t make your dd responsible for him, that was awful.

Sorry I’ve just seen your DP isnt their Dad. That does put a slightly different perspective on the shoving - why is he getting so involved? Did you ask him to?

Clearly an adult should have been with your DS - this was all so unfair on your DD. She’s the one I feel most sorry for in all of this.

It’s quite astounding how neatly you’ve sidestepped putting ANY responsibility about what happened on yourself.

You passively/willingly allowed certain things to happen (DD being in charge of DS’s bus/school travel) and that is on YOU. You are the parent. You are the adult. Your DD is neither. You need to be responsible for enduring your DS gets to his classes/schooling, not looking to throw blame everywhere except at yourself.

If your DS is going to “expect” to be driven to classes every day if you spend a few days/weeks driving him in now… well, that is something YOU as the parent will have to figure out when it happens. Making your underage DD the responsible party for her brother’s travel to school is appalling. It obviously didn’t work. She’s a child.

I’m not saying it isn’t a difficult situation, if not a near-impossible one. I AM saying that YOU are the adult and the parent in this situation, and your actions/inactions caused everything.

I don’t mean to be harsh. But you have got the responsibility to take him to school if you know that he was likely to panic and not get on the bus. He clearly needed support to get there.

Your husband shouldn’t have blamed your daughter and ideall shouldn’t have pushed him back: but I don’t think the blame really lies with him

It was a big day for DS. You could have helped his transition back into school by taking him there yourself.

but you made his day even more challenging for him.

and your DD rightly or wrongly felt responsible. You’re letting her down too.

if I were you, I’d keep their phones confiscated until the weekend. Give them both a lift for the rest of the week. Then DD reverts to bus and you work with DS for a solution that is realistic and reasonable. Get school involved if necessary. If at all possible, postpone working for another term.

let your DP know that you’re disappointed he reacted physically and that he was out of line shouting at DD.

but give him a break and accept your own responsibility.

The problem is that this only works if the child is basically happy and stable and just feels like having a skive - that isn't actually what "school refusal" is.

It is much more like someone having such a traumatic time at work that they need to be signed off with stress, so tormenting them at home in their safe place too just leads to even faster and more permanent mental health breakdown, self harm, and so on - making home bad too doesn't affect how school is.

Did you not read that he’s autistic and has a history of MH issues and self-harming? Making his home - his safe space - unpalatable is actually more likely to exacerbate MH issues and lead to more dangerous behaviours than self-harming.

Don’t follow this advice.

Take your DS to school tomorrow yourself.