DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

I agree with many other posters. You should be taking him for a while if you are at home. I hear you saying you need to go back to work, but unless he goes to school you won’t be, so getting that hurdle going well first is a must. You can make changes to his routine of going in it’ll just take time and planning to do this. All a worthwhile investment in the long run.

find another way for him to play music that isn’t just his phone, he can find ways to use this to soothe himself using other things. I think at this age, taking a phone is a good punishment, what else would you suggest? As there does have to be one.

my son also has ASD and we have also had school refusal due to MH, my DD has it too and has really struggled with MH. It’s massively tough. All kids are different I know but you can be low/no demand but still keep some boundaries.

if having him home means home schooling you won’t be working. So you need to prioritise getting him into school and think about work a lot later.

At some point your children will come up against someone who doesn’t allow this kind of behaviour so that’s good, it’s just whether or not they have the ability to have a good job but actually Wetherspoons and McDonald’s do require people to work there so maybe just tell him that you know what go and get a minimum wage job and see if his behaviour is acceptable to the workforce (it isn’t)

You feel overwhelmed, and your DP does too. You've both had to deal with an angry, difficult teen and something gave. I have enormous sympathy for your DS and his mental health. I've been there. But he crossed a line and your DP put his foot down. That might not be a bad thing. Show support and be calm but firm to your DS and DD, who are upset because they were caught breaking a major rule, in a very brazen way!
Your DS can't be allowed to hit people. Perhaps better (relatively) gentle pushback from a father figure than a smack in the mouth from a bigger kid at school or stranger if he tries that outside the house!

And please, please get him to school.

So he's stolen their phones from you and is extremely verbally abusive to your children and laid hands on your son. You need to get some legal advice right now and plan to leave him.

What's your living situation Op - rent or mortgage? Your house, his house or joint?

DP is refusing to give them their phones and listening to music on his phone is the main thing he does to soothe and he hasn't done that. I also don't really feel comfortable with DD travelling to school without her phone

That is absolutely not his call. He is massively overstepping here.

How long have you two been together? How long have you lived together?

He sounds like he's actively choosing to make the situation worse.

This is my daughter to a tee, the anxiety, music to sooth etc. She also has autism and hasnt had any education for 18months.

I totally get the bus thing.
It's about routine and sameness, helping her anxiety so it doesn't spiral and I think with her having some feeling of control in her life. It's bloody hard to navigate these routines.

Obviously it should be my dd not my dad!

To be honest I'm surprised he's still around, they aren't his children and you seem to zero accountability for them.

Why can't you go with them on the bus? sorry, I'm with you DP on this one.

Op you have had more than a few messages from people who clearly don’t understand autism and have never dealt with a disregukated autistic teen. Many autistic teens are just not able to cope with school due to anxiety, whic( may show itself as aggression. Going back into a mainstream setting is a huge undertaking and needs a lot of support from home and school. What was in place for when your Ds arrived at his new school/college? My dad went through similar and for the whole of her two years in college was met every day by a support assistant and escorted to her classroom. I also took her but was fortunate to be able to work around that.
if listening to music calms your ds it is imperative that he is able to do that. He also needs to be able to trust that you are on his side and will listen to him. As I am sure you know it is not as simple as ‘just telling him’ to go in. Have you had any help from the local authority? It might be worth asking if the6 have an Education Other than school package which might work for your son.
Good luck with getting things sorted.

Why do you have to do what your 'D'P says? I don't like the sound of him one bit.

Your poor DD was probably gutted to miss the first day back. She should NOT be dealing with this. Step up for your kids and do what's right for your DC and STOP saying "...but DP wouldn't like it..." because your DC come first, and you know that.

Stop giving that man in your home the power to punish your DC. It sounds awful.

Sorry but no giving up and home schooling again is not an option its the easy selfish way out.
You need to put in the hard work that should have been done over the summer, you should have taken him on the bus ever day for weeks just so he could learn the route, where to get off and where he goes into the building.
As you didn't bother now you need to talk to the school get your ds a map of the building arrange a phased start with :-
day 1 you and ds get the bus in together, arrange for a staff member to meet you both for a tour of the building and then go home.
Day 2 same as day 1 only with him taking part in 1 class with you in the building or nearby
Day 3, same as day 2 only 2 classes
Day 4+ he builds up until he dose full days .
When hes doing full days you go home after taking him in and come back for hometime for a week or two. Then you start just taking him to the bus stop and waiting until he gets on the bus and being at the bus stop to meet him after school.
Tbh I'm not surprised that your partner is pissed off with you and your passive enabling behaviour especially when hes funding you and your dc including private medical cost when your not married, they aren't his kids and you won't parent them nor work to get your son back into school. If I was him I'd have dumped you rather than fund your life choices for 2+ years and it sounds like your partner has hit breaking point id expect my marching orders if I were you especially if you choose to continue to home school whilst sponging off of him

If your son doesn't go back to school can you still go back to work?

You choices seem to be escort your son to school to make sure he is getting an education and the best start in life or hope that he will eventually make his own way to school and you got to work or he will have to home educate himself to a level that will see him having some kind of employment in the future while you work.

The way I see it you don't really have a choice but escort him to school on the beginning and go from there because your other choices are pretty grim for his future.

I have a teenager with asd who has had mental health issues, I know it isn't easy but this isn't just going to fix itself. If he doesn't get some kind of education now what does his future look like and what impact will that have on your future?

This

I am writing this as a mum of a now 19 year old DS with ASD and although I know as well as any one that children are vastly different from child to child, I can say with absolute confidence that you have to have red line boundaries in place in my experience or you are setting yourself up to fail.

Sometimes as hard as it is, you have to reinforce a hard boundary because you are preparing and supporting your child to survive in the real world, and although we can make adjustments to make things easier, every single person has to follow rules and laws. One day DS will need to be able to live with some degree of independence, perhaps with a job, in order to survive and build his life.

Its obvious you are trying everything you can think of to be supportive-and having firm boundaries does not mean loving your child less, or not supporting them-its about helping them grow into adults who recognise how to function in the world in the best way they can and fulfilling their potential.

Personally, I would 100% support the phone confiscation. I think it is both appropriate and proportionate. If music is so important, you need to provide an alternative therapeutic way for your son to access this in the future to calm down and not as an excuse to give back his phone if phone has been taken away as a consequence. Lets be honest, it wont just be spotify or whatever he uses if you do.

Regards DD, fully agree with other posters that she could have phoned and told you the situation and it is also not OK she is being pulled into not attending school- if DD can be trusted to get herself in school then she should be allowed to dothis on her own.

I would allow your son time to cool off (i learned over many years that mid meltdown I may as well try and negotiate with a wasps nest as have a sensible conversation with DS) and I think you need to set down some expectations and rewards/ consequences. It will feel like the hardest thing at first but honestly its the best and kindest thing you can do.

I'm sorry, I know it is hard-I have lived it, but the only person who can really improve this is you, one little bit, one little win, at a time. Good luck OP.

Edited spelling awful

Did he pay for the phones? If not he is a thief as well as an aggressive dickhead. Get rid of him.

100%.

Oh my God, he's not even their father? Get rid of the dickhead partner and look after your kids.

Take. Their. Phones. Away.

Both of you physically drop them off if you can at school and college. Your DP was right to bollock them both; they can’t just skip school and they both behaved terribly.

Your DP isn't their dad. Who TF does he think he is, taking their phones and then refusing to give them back when you've asked for them?

OP, you're right, he's making things worse.

Your husband is making things massively worse and modelling screaming and shouting to an angry teenager is not going to end well. It is frankly abusive of him to blame your poor daughter for any of this. Your husband behaved like a complete and total dick.