DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

Losing their phones is a natural consequence of not using it for purpose surely? It was bad of thern not to answer their phones, you said yourself he'd self harmed was suicidal. Why jot try backing DP up on this. Could you use DS DLA for a taxi to college instead?

Obv it would be better if your DP didn't react in anger, although if he was pushing him away to stop the attack then that's understandable. Tbh it's better he learns the consequences now because if he hits another teenage boy he may well end up getting much more than a shove back.

It's tough because at his age with these issues he likely can't see the long run, but obv he can't stay at home forever. Finding something he enjoys or can at least tolerate would be beneficial. Plenty of options if he wouldn't do well in a typical office environment. My mate's son is autistic and is a software programmer. Makes a good living and is good at it.

ive read all your posts, and I’m sorry this is happening. I know you’re focussed on getting back to work and supporting kids and so not keen on rocking the boat perhaps but I want to say that if this was me and my children, I would contact women’s aid and local council tomorrow and leave with them. He’s not their dad, he cannot mess this up as badly as he is doing and there be no boundary line. You will be able to be more of the great mum you sound like if you show your kids that your priorities are them and not this man who solves stuff with violence. He sounds like a twat given what he has said to you. Please, be safe, and leave as soon as you can.

Is she being abused? I’ve read the posts. He sounds unsupportive but also at his rats end. Income has dropped and he’s had to be bread winner. Other way to read it is he made a couple of comments that she wasn’t earning.

He does sound unsupportive of the son’s autism but another way to look at it is he had a lot pinned on kids attending school and OP going back to work. He’s literally proving a roof over all their heads at the moment as OP can’t and that’s a lot of pressure. Support from women’s aid and council will be limited.

Yes he was wrong to tell off DD but she has some responsibility here for not going to OP. He doesn’t sound physically abusive, he reacted and could probably have been scared at the violence and at end of tether. It’s impossible to conclude either way with OP’s posts. But being a step parent can be lose lose situation, and must be frustrating if he feels OP constantly makes excuses for her kids. It’s fine for OO to single handedly dictate if she was a single mum but she’s not, she’s living in his house and relying on him for food and board. Re private autism assessment they are thousands - his money isn’t family money. OP obviously resents this but I can see DP’s hesitancy,

As for taking phones - sounds like misplaced attempts to discipline not stealing property. Sounds like genuinely trying to step up in parent role in the home. If he was hiding phones and shoving for no reason, that would be abusive but phone removal is a common consequence.

Your boyfriend is abusive. He is not their father. Their behaviour is very likely a reaction to and very definitely being exacerbated by his abuse. He screamed at your daughter and hit your son. He stole your property. Your children are children and their behaviour is a separate issue from his and can be tackled when they no longer live with their mum's abusive boyfriend. Changes to your parenting can also be tackled when you are no longer in an abusive relationship.

Get legal advice and get your kids away from him.

Right. This. Please listen OP this man is awful without him your kids will be much more settled. I am pretty sure some of your son's anger is down to your boyfriend's abuse. And the way he screamed at your daughter was appalling.

OP is being abused and you’re using bullying language against her too. Where’s your humanity.

I think you need a combination of reward and consequence.
If they don't go to school they lose their phones and electronics for a week.
If they do go to school then each week they get a set amount of money as a reward, or something else which motivates them. Offer the same for DD regardless of her not needing it so she doesn't feel its yet again unfair.
Privately explain to DD that the reaction was because of concern about not answering phones, that you're pleased she's so loyal to DS but that not answering the phone to let you know they were OK wasn't the right choice.

Omg I’ve just read the rest of your posts. your partner is abusive. Don’t go back to work, if you leave him the council will house you, or kick him out and the council will cover your rent if you’re not working and you have a disabled child and are escaping an abusive partner, which he is. Or call Refuge or Women’s Aid and they will help you - your son needs his phone to regulate and your DP
has no right to take either of your children’s phones away. Don’t wait to get a job to leave him, do it right now and take the time to be with your kids, not working. You can definitely make it work financially, talk to CAB or Women’s Aid, and see what you’re entitled to. And tell your kids that your DP is wrong. They need you to advocate for them. He’s a bully and you need to get him out of your lives.

You need to be there for your son’s first day of school. Your daughter can manage but he is in crisis and needs you to help him regulate. He’s had so much time off, he can’t just reintegrate at the flick of a switch. Take him in, help him. He needs you. Tell your DP to stay away, his screaming and shouting and shoving is escalating the situation. Your poor son. And your poor daughter trying to protect him. Get your DP to back off and let you support your kids as much as they need. Once your son has made friends and learnt the routine he will go on the bus by himself. He needs your help to get in the first day. My daughter has been off school since February with anxiety. I managed to get her in today, but she was tearful and fearful and couldn’t not have done it without me there. We also had a trial run yesterday and met with her teacher to see where she would be sitting, and who next to, and they made up cards that she can put on her desk when she needs a break. She ended up excited about going in and despite huge nerves she had a fantastic day and is looking forward to going in tomorrow. Your son needs your unwavering support. And he also needs your reassurance and understanding that missing school today isn’t the end of the world, you’ll just go with him tomorrow. Don’t let him down, he needs you.

I think you need to contact the college as ask for help, see what they suggest about getting him to school.

Jumping straight to giving the whole thing up doesn’t sound like a good outcome for you or your son.

If you have been in an abusive relationship since your son was 6, the living situation is likely a massive contributor to your son’s anxiety levels and lack of stability.

It doesn’t sound like waiting another couple of years until you are in a better position to leave is the best decision for your kids as they are both going to be doing GCSES soon and if things continue this way they won’t have much of a future.

Contact women’s aid and discuss if leaving sooner might be possible.

Doesn’t matter if it’s his routine. Phones are privileges. I’m autistic and so is my daughter so I understand complex needs. Can’t underscore enough the damage caused by reliance on phones for soothing meltdowns/shutdowns - the possibility for addiction and YouTube/coercion etc is rife on teenagers brains and neurodiverse a lot more vulnerable. Have to have non device soothing methods.

Not sure whether you're better off going to women's aid or local equivalent and getting out sooner vs. living with more of the same for years.

I think you could do with understanding the financial position/ likely length of time you'd be waiting for social housing and where it might be located. So you could do with precise financial advice.

If this is how he behaves I don't know that you're going to succeed in getting your son back into school whilst you're still living with him. Even if it's not deliberate sabotage it's a level of misunderstanding that you can't work with.

If they're going to try catching the bus again, your daughter needs strategies for what to do if her brother refuses to get on the bus / get off at his stop.

No, you’ve made it unlikely he’ll go back, not your DP. Take responsibility.

Again you are focusing on DP, and not dealt with the real issue which is trying to get your son back into mainstream school. If you have lived as a family that long why wouldn't you expect him to have any say? Reading your comments it seems you just want a meal ticket. Where is the biological father in all of this?

Everything you’ve said here shows you are not helping your kids. Listen to the other posters. Stop making excuses for them. Get a spine and parent your kids. They need you to do the right thing not the soft/understanding thing if you want them to get anywhere in life.

Phone addictions are NOT soothing - they harm development especially in neurodiverse children and adults. It’s unhealthy to have prolonged phone time. Your DP is stepping up where you are not - they are lucky to have him making a stand.

What were you doing today that was more important than making sure your vulnerable DS got to college as scheduled?! You aren’t working so why couldn’t you escort him in?

He can listen to music on something else. No 14 year old NEEDS a phone. It sounds like your DP has a good measure of how much your children are taking you for a mug. They aren’t delicate wall flowers, they’re teenagers who need to grow into adults and understand that lying and skipping school is very serious.

It sounds like your DP has finally had enough.

@BlondeSpider
I’m really sorry.
You came here looking for a little compassion and you’re getting a lot of grief.
I honestly don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe your son belongs in a different school, one more tailored to his emotional needs and upsets.
Would that be a possibility?
And your daughter - she’s not his guardian, she’s his sister. Your partner was WAY OUTTA LINE scolding her for her brother’s transgressions. And I think you might’ve been out of line putting her in charge of seeing him off to school.
You’ve got a big fat mess in your house - and in your heart - and it will take more than just you to straighten it out.
Maybe it’s time for a calm and rational family meeting - where everybody keeps their head and tries to work out a solution?
Can’t never did anything, y’know.
I wish you the very best of luck.
Sending you love from faraway ❤️

If you can't work with out him going to school then I think you are looking at it all wrong. You need him to go to school by any means necessary as step one, if that means you escort him and go from there then that is what should be done. Absolutely don't just accept 'he will never go in now', and I don't think it is fair to put all of this on your partner. Your son didn't go into school today anyway, did you ever find out why not? If he is as set in routine as you say then surely getting to the bus stop then not getting on the bus would have been his routine now anyway.

As they're twins is it not likely she too is autistic - and may have gone unseen amidst his drama?

I agree, you both screwed up spectacularly by putting all the responsibility for getting him to school on a bus onto his sister.

She must have been in a mess of conflict around feeling nervous of his behaviour, loving and wanting to help him.

He should have been taken to school by you both, seen in and reassured he'd be collected.

A 14 year old boy is in the grip of puberty, compounded by autism and mental health issues. I'm sorry CAMHs have been crap.

Emotional outbursts are to be expected. And testosterone can cause flares of anger and aggression - a 14 year old boy is capable of causing injury and if he's not controlled could find himself in trouble - or severely hurt by someone trying to defend themselves.

Your husband's physical reaction might have given him an effective shock, like a lion with an overly aggressive cub. But that could also tip over into child abuse.

You all need to cool down, everyone apologise to everyone else. And they need to be heard, not shouted at or over.

Not being sniffy just saying that maybe if her kids got a job they would appreciate that maybe they have to go because they will be sacked if they didn’t feel like going in. It’s a shame that op hasn’t utilised parenting techniques and now her DP is that maybe she will decide that she needs to step up and deal with her kids issues.

I don't understand why you didn't at least see him on the bus?

And have you spoken to the college about the situation?

Your DP seems to be overstepping here and he needs to apologise to your DD

@Pizaa Don’t know about Wetherspoons but from what I’ve heard McDonalds isn’t a bad employer at all - lots of opportunities for development.

Don’t know why you’re being so sniffy about perfectly decent jobs.