Page 14 | DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

verycloakanddaggers · 04/09/2025 05:41

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 22:23

Even if I took him in just once that'd become the routine to him and I can't always take him in, I'm planning on going back to work which will be shifts so I won't always be around to drive him in. So the bus is the transport he'll be using and he needs to use it from day 1 really. They were getting the same bus except his stop was a few before DD’s right outside the college.

DD said she wasn't going to just leave him at the bus stop so she didn't go in either.

DP isn't their dad. And DS has been lying on his bed not really saying much just that he's not going tomorrow or any other day either. I feel like DP has made it worse, yes it's not ok for DS to have hit but doing it back isn't going to teach him anything? His phone is also a comfort item of his that he uses to listen to music when he's stressed.

I feel like I made the wrong decision with trying to get him back into education

Stop blaming the kids.

Day one was badly handled by you. So make better plans for day two.

Your DP is completely overstepping and you need to either get him to back off or get him out of their lives.

Give the phones back.

You need to support both your children more. They had insufficient support on day one and that's why it went wrong.

You need to take your son to school, it's your job to support him to go.

Poppins21 · 04/09/2025 04:26

Rtmhwales · 04/09/2025 04:19

I feel bad for DP. He’s funding you and your two DC, one of which is autistic and sounds difficult to live with and lashes out. I assume he’s paying all the bills if you’re not working? That’s a dangerous position for you to be in. If I were him, I’d be gone.

I would leave too if I was DP.

WeightLossGoal2024 · 04/09/2025 04:24

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 22:48

I wish just explaining to him the long term plan was that easy but it wouldn't work. When he was in school he'd get the bus but if he had an appointment before school for example, he’d point blank refuse because in his mind it wasn't right. I need to go back to work so taking him in long term won't be possible at all, and that'd create more issues down the line.

I didn't give DD the responsibility of making sure he went but DP seemed to which I don't agree with at all.

He does lash out when he's stressed and I know he shouldn't but teaching him not to isn't by shoving him back, that just makes the situation worse. DS wont even talk about what he was most anxious about whereas he probably if that didn't happen. And he's likely going to be too stressed from this to go in tomorrow

I mean this kindly but yesterday didn’t work either!

o think both kids were set up to fail yesterday

Rtmhwales · 04/09/2025 04:19

I feel bad for DP. He’s funding you and your two DC, one of which is autistic and sounds difficult to live with and lashes out. I assume he’s paying all the bills if you’re not working? That’s a dangerous position for you to be in. If I were him, I’d be gone.

theGooHasGone · 04/09/2025 04:06

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 03:51

The FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD WITH AUTISM hit the bullying shouting adult boyfriend on the arm AFTER the bullying shouting boyfriend snatched his phone and only AFTER a huge row had broken out because of the reactive, abusive behaviour of the bullying shouting boyfriend.

The FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD WITH AUTISM didn't react particularly well to the bullying shouting boyfriend and the time to deal with that by his mother was later.

The bullying shouting ADULT should have kept his fucking hands to his self and had he not snatched the OPs property after causing a screaming match the situation would not have escalated.

The bullying shouting adult boyfriend should never have stolen the phones they are NOT his to touch and belong to the OP. The bullying shouting boyfriend has continued to refuse to give back the property he has stolen.

The bullying shouting boyfriend has caused the entire situation to escalate horribly and because he is a bullying shouting MAN who should be able to control himself but refuses to do so and abuses the children instead, including SCREAMING at them, he has made things far worse.

It is almost certain that the abusive, shouting bullying boyfriend has caused many of the issues with the son.

Regardless, the OP needs to protect her children from the bullying shouting boyfriend and leave him.

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Have a word with yourself and calm down, goodness me. You're projecting a fabricated account onto this situation through all your posts here which isn't borne out by the evidence in the OP's messages.

It sounds like you've had some bad life experiences yourself and I'm very sorry if that's the case, but this level of emotional outburst is not productive or useful here when the OP is clearly refusing to actually take ownership of the situation.

Poppins21 · 04/09/2025 03:59

CallMeEvelyn · 04/09/2025 03:01

Agree with this entirely. OP is excusing every behaviour of her DCs, not actually parenting but people pleasing, propping and perpetuating their difficulties and demands (yes, demands, not needs - nobody needs a phone) without any real consequences. Their behaviour has been very poor, particularly her son's - and I don't care she thinks her DS would struggle if on occasion she couldn't take him to school, it's not her DD's job to mother him, but OP's. OP, sometimes he'll be expected to do something that he doesn't consider perfect and autistic or not, yes, at times he will have to learn to get on with it. You won't be here propping him for life and neither should your DD. You seem to let him get away with everything.m because of the very tough time he and you have had.
If a 14 yo still hits, he needs to understand he will receive a response that may also be physical, nobody should put up with this sort of behaviour. He clearly had no real boundary in his life and reading your posts, this doesn't surprise me.

As for DD, no excuse for her not going to school and disappearing for the day. She either used the situation as an excuse not to go in or she's being brought up with excessive sense of pressure and responsibility for her brother and she genuinely felt like she had to stay with him. Either way, this isn't parenting, OP. She is left to her own devices and struggles and then she's shouted at by DP - not good, but does he see you have no authority and is he desperate? Still not great, but I do have some understanding of where he might be coming from.

Your constant enabling and excusing doesn't help anyone. I'd be at my wits end with your attitude and your DCs issues combined with their bad attitude if I was in your partner"s shoes.

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I agree with these 2 posters. Your excuses for DC are not making this situation any better and you sound like you’re just using DP as you can’t afford to be alone.

Noelshighflyingturds · 04/09/2025 03:58

I didn’t work for over a year and got 24 grand into Debt but I drove my son every day to school and I will continue to do so for the next couple of years until he’s finished education because that’s my absolute priority
Sometimes everything else has to wait otherwise you pay the price for it later on

Emmafuller79 · 04/09/2025 03:56

True that. 👍

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 03:51

BreakingBroken · 04/09/2025 03:44

@Thursdayschild2025 the SON punched her partner and the partner responded by pushing the son away, that is not abuse.

The FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD WITH AUTISM hit the bullying shouting adult boyfriend on the arm AFTER the bullying shouting boyfriend snatched his phone and only AFTER a huge row had broken out because of the reactive, abusive behaviour of the bullying shouting boyfriend.

The FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD WITH AUTISM didn't react particularly well to the bullying shouting boyfriend and the time to deal with that by his mother was later.

The bullying shouting ADULT should have kept his fucking hands to his self and had he not snatched the OPs property after causing a screaming match the situation would not have escalated.

The bullying shouting adult boyfriend should never have stolen the phones they are NOT his to touch and belong to the OP. The bullying shouting boyfriend has continued to refuse to give back the property he has stolen.

The bullying shouting boyfriend has caused the entire situation to escalate horribly and because he is a bullying shouting MAN who should be able to control himself but refuses to do so and abuses the children instead, including SCREAMING at them, he has made things far worse.

It is almost certain that the abusive, shouting bullying boyfriend has caused many of the issues with the son.

Regardless, the OP needs to protect her children from the bullying shouting boyfriend and leave him.

BreakingBroken · 04/09/2025 03:44

@Thursdayschild2025 the SON punched her partner and the partner responded by pushing the son away, that is not abuse.

NCReceptor · 04/09/2025 03:42

It sounds a really hard situation for you all but it was your responsibility to take him to school and make sure he got in the gates. It was certainly not your daughter’s.

Even accepting your premise that it would become a habit you cannot deviate from - that is your job to manage.

At worst it’s a time limited drop off not homeschooling all day and not wasting a day texting, worried but unable to contact him.

It’s a hard, hard age and especially difficult when your son grows and you physically can’t force them out of bed or into a car. And I know it’s easier said than done but you need to find a strategy beyond putting it on your daughter and crossing your fingers and hoping.

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 03:29

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 01:37

The phones are not his, he has hidden them and refuses to give her back her property.

He doesn't get to scream at her children and hit her son. At absolute minimum he WAS abusive to her kids. Irrefutably so. And obviously it will not have been the first time. So yes, that is abusive towards her too as she is their mother and it is dreadfully emotionally distressing to see your child being abused by an adult.

No matter what his excuses or stressors he does not get to abuse her children.

I would be astonished if her son's anger is not massively exacerbated by her boyfriend shouting and throwing his weight around.

It's not working. She needs to protect her kids and leave him.

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Again, there is no question - not at all - about whether her boyfriend has abused her children. He has.

Him stealing her property and refusing to return it is also abusive.

That's all there is to it. Get your kids away from this man.

BrainlessBoiledFrog · 04/09/2025 03:20

Op do you consider that your DP is abusive to you and/or children? If so this really has to be the focus as fixing this will likely lower your DS anxiety and all round life will look better. Talk to your GP if this is the case as they can sign post you to things in your area, or google the options near you for support.

If you don’t consider it abusive and just unhappy then you need a serious conversation with DP and tell him to back off! He does sound like he is making things worse, not better from what you have posted. You should not have to ask permission to drive your children or to give phones back - that’s what troubles me and made me write the above paragraph. But if it’s lack of confidence (and you feel safe with DP) then do try assert yourself here. You can take the lead here - they are your children.

Be logical and less all is lost about your son. He may have black and white thinking here and so find it hard to change his thoughts but it is possible! You cannot get a day job if you homeschool and this seems to be important to you and necessary financially. Therefore focus on getting son to college. Drive him or get bus with him (I think getting bus is better as it’s teaching him the bus with a safe adult - your Dd is not ready for this!). Stop worrying that it will create a pattern he won’t break out of as that isn’t true - he was breaking out of pattern of home schooling but just got overwhelmed at bus stop. The first step is getting him there with low anxiety! Your DD should not be responsible for him. At 14 lots of children get taken to school but especially those with anxiety or ND. Wouldn’t it be better to spend 3 months getting bus with him to college and then work on a plan to get him going solo than just totally go back to home schooling?

So first step tomorrow is talk to DD and take weight off her shoulders and explain you know none of this was her fault. Call college and explain this week DS has got overwhelmed about bus and ask for some support. They may well do a home visit or have suggestions here. If they suggest driving him down and DS will do this then do it! You can’t worry about him always wanting you to drive him in the future. The first step is him going by any transport means! It will be perfectly possible to adjust the transport in the future. Let’s face it going from homeschooling to college is the biggest hurdle here!

CallMeEvelyn · 04/09/2025 03:01

HappyShaker · 04/09/2025 01:13

Is she being abused? I’ve read the posts. He sounds unsupportive but also at his rats end. Income has dropped and he’s had to be bread winner. Other way to read it is he made a couple of comments that she wasn’t earning.

He does sound unsupportive of the son’s autism but another way to look at it is he had a lot pinned on kids attending school and OP going back to work. He’s literally proving a roof over all their heads at the moment as OP can’t and that’s a lot of pressure. Support from women’s aid and council will be limited.

Yes he was wrong to tell off DD but she has some responsibility here for not going to OP. He doesn’t sound physically abusive, he reacted and could probably have been scared at the violence and at end of tether. It’s impossible to conclude either way with OP’s posts. But being a step parent can be lose lose situation, and must be frustrating if he feels OP constantly makes excuses for her kids. It’s fine for OO to single handedly dictate if she was a single mum but she’s not, she’s living in his house and relying on him for food and board. Re private autism assessment they are thousands - his money isn’t family money. OP obviously resents this but I can see DP’s hesitancy,

As for taking phones - sounds like misplaced attempts to discipline not stealing property. Sounds like genuinely trying to step up in parent role in the home. If he was hiding phones and shoving for no reason, that would be abusive but phone removal is a common consequence.

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Agree with this entirely. OP is excusing every behaviour of her DCs, not actually parenting but people pleasing, propping and perpetuating their difficulties and demands (yes, demands, not needs - nobody needs a phone) without any real consequences. Their behaviour has been very poor, particularly her son's - and I don't care she thinks her DS would struggle if on occasion she couldn't take him to school, it's not her DD's job to mother him, but OP's. OP, sometimes he'll be expected to do something that he doesn't consider perfect and autistic or not, yes, at times he will have to learn to get on with it. You won't be here propping him for life and neither should your DD. You seem to let him get away with everything.m because of the very tough time he and you have had.
If a 14 yo still hits, he needs to understand he will receive a response that may also be physical, nobody should put up with this sort of behaviour. He clearly had no real boundary in his life and reading your posts, this doesn't surprise me.

As for DD, no excuse for her not going to school and disappearing for the day. She either used the situation as an excuse not to go in or she's being brought up with excessive sense of pressure and responsibility for her brother and she genuinely felt like she had to stay with him. Either way, this isn't parenting, OP. She is left to her own devices and struggles and then she's shouted at by DP - not good, but does he see you have no authority and is he desperate? Still not great, but I do have some understanding of where he might be coming from.

Your constant enabling and excusing doesn't help anyone. I'd be at my wits end with your attitude and your DCs issues combined with their bad attitude if I was in your partner"s shoes.

EachandEveryone · 04/09/2025 02:59

If you are renting UC will cover it.

Confusdworriedmum · 04/09/2025 02:58

I do feel sorry for your DD. She was in a tricky position but she really should have called you so you knew they were safe but she didn't deserve to be yelled at.
I understand why you don't want to set a routine of driving DS to college. I can also understand why you sent him in the bus (ignore people saying it obviously wasn't going to work as it's easy to be wise in hindsight). I would get the bus with him and explain this won't happen every day, just for now. If you're there DS may go to college but if he doesn't at least DD can go to school.
I wouldn't really say anything about DP pushing DS. DS shouldn't have hit him, there's no excuse for that. My DD used to lash out when angry (she is autistic too). We got her out of that by enrolling her in kickboxing, your DS doesn't sound ready for anything like that but maybe something you could consider in the future if he gets angry.

BreakingBroken · 04/09/2025 02:49

i don't think the op's relationship with her son is healthy, there is something about this dynamic which is bringing about way more drama than necessary.
a little bit like failure to launch syndrome where the op is extremely fearful of worse case outcomes; her son dying or living on the streets. then the son using this fear to continue being mollycoddled and not moving forward in life.
the relationship with her partner has suffered and is extremely strained at this point, most likely beyond repair.
i don't view his actions as crossing the line into abuse base on the post; pushing the son or withholding the phones.

the daughter is caught in the middle and if the mother son dynamic is this dysfunctional i'm not sure i would suggest she live with her mom and brother at this time.

Emmafuller79 · 04/09/2025 02:38

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 22:03

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Don’t blame your husband . You gentle parenting them?

af that age they should no better. My primary school children no better

NewbieSM · 04/09/2025 02:24

I don’t think blaming your partner is helpful at all really, without him you would truly be in the shit. Either you are a family and you share finances AND child raising including discipline or you are simply cohabiting and you are solely responsible for raising and disciplining your kids and funding them too. You can’t have it both ways where your partner pays for everything for you and your kids but gets no say in raising them. That being said he hasn’t reacted well at all and pushing your son is a red flag that this behaviour will likely escalate as your son grows up. Sounds like you all need family therapy to work on behaviour management and communication. Or just leave him because everyone sounds miserable.

sandyhappypeople · 04/09/2025 01:52

I'm sorry but all your updates still don't properly explain why you didn't drive him.

saying 'he'll get used to it and not want to accept any other way' is just nuts when that is the ONLY way you can (potentially) get him to attend. There was absolutely zero chance he would go in today and there was nothing your DD could have done to change it, and now you are blaming this confrontation for the fact the he likely won't go tomorrow.. he was never going to go tomorrow either!

Stop blaming everyone and everything and just do what needs to be done for the time being, step one is getting him in the door, as his parent that is down to you so delegating that to your daughter while you stayed at home was a huge mistake.. you blew your best chance, and whether you agreed or not, YOU are the one that has put your daughter in that position and that is the catalyst for this whole mess tonight! None of that would have happened if you would have taken responsibility for getting him there.

Either concentrate on getting a job, or concentrate on getting your son to school.. you are sitting at home daydreaming about hypothetical problems while seemingly doing nothing to make either thing actually happen, you can't do both at the same time right now so just pick one and do it properly.

beAsensible1 · 04/09/2025 01:46

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 23:58

It won't be possible for me to go out and work if he's homeschooled no, I wouldn't trust him to be home alone all day in case he self harmed or worse. I think he'd also struggle to self study because he needs a lot of prompting even though a lot of the work he was doing was online.

The plan was for him to have a 1:1 at all times at college, they know about his mental health etc and its on his EHCP. He met 3 of the possible ones he's going to have before the summer. He also did travel training with a staff member too. He'll be in a small group with 5 other students.

The house is rented and both our names are on the lease but there's no way i’d afford it if I was on my
Own and he knows it.

So what is your plan for when you leave to afford somewhere?

or if DS school refuses again and you can’t work.

I think you obviously struggling and you have all ended up in situation that is unexpected and it’s causing a massive strain on all of you.

can you get some support from SS?

Thursdayschild2025 · 04/09/2025 01:37

HappyShaker · 04/09/2025 01:13

Is she being abused? I’ve read the posts. He sounds unsupportive but also at his rats end. Income has dropped and he’s had to be bread winner. Other way to read it is he made a couple of comments that she wasn’t earning.

He does sound unsupportive of the son’s autism but another way to look at it is he had a lot pinned on kids attending school and OP going back to work. He’s literally proving a roof over all their heads at the moment as OP can’t and that’s a lot of pressure. Support from women’s aid and council will be limited.

Yes he was wrong to tell off DD but she has some responsibility here for not going to OP. He doesn’t sound physically abusive, he reacted and could probably have been scared at the violence and at end of tether. It’s impossible to conclude either way with OP’s posts. But being a step parent can be lose lose situation, and must be frustrating if he feels OP constantly makes excuses for her kids. It’s fine for OO to single handedly dictate if she was a single mum but she’s not, she’s living in his house and relying on him for food and board. Re private autism assessment they are thousands - his money isn’t family money. OP obviously resents this but I can see DP’s hesitancy,

As for taking phones - sounds like misplaced attempts to discipline not stealing property. Sounds like genuinely trying to step up in parent role in the home. If he was hiding phones and shoving for no reason, that would be abusive but phone removal is a common consequence.

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The phones are not his, he has hidden them and refuses to give her back her property.

He doesn't get to scream at her children and hit her son. At absolute minimum he WAS abusive to her kids. Irrefutably so. And obviously it will not have been the first time. So yes, that is abusive towards her too as she is their mother and it is dreadfully emotionally distressing to see your child being abused by an adult.

No matter what his excuses or stressors he does not get to abuse her children.

I would be astonished if her son's anger is not massively exacerbated by her boyfriend shouting and throwing his weight around.

It's not working. She needs to protect her kids and leave him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/09/2025 01:35

Hoardasurass · 03/09/2025 23:40

Sorry but no giving up and home schooling again is not an option its the easy selfish way out.
You need to put in the hard work that should have been done over the summer, you should have taken him on the bus ever day for weeks just so he could learn the route, where to get off and where he goes into the building.
As you didn't bother now you need to talk to the school get your ds a map of the building arrange a phased start with :-
day 1 you and ds get the bus in together, arrange for a staff member to meet you both for a tour of the building and then go home.
Day 2 same as day 1 only with him taking part in 1 class with you in the building or nearby
Day 3, same as day 2 only 2 classes
Day 4+ he builds up until he dose full days .
When hes doing full days you go home after taking him in and come back for hometime for a week or two. Then you start just taking him to the bus stop and waiting until he gets on the bus and being at the bus stop to meet him after school.
Tbh I'm not surprised that your partner is pissed off with you and your passive enabling behaviour especially when hes funding you and your dc including private medical cost when your not married, they aren't his kids and you won't parent them nor work to get your son back into school. If I was him I'd have dumped you rather than fund your life choices for 2+ years and it sounds like your partner has hit breaking point id expect my marching orders if I were you especially if you choose to continue to home school whilst sponging off of him

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Have a word with yourself.

beAsensible1 · 04/09/2025 01:27

Considering how fraught this was of a day I don’t understand why you didn’t do them off. Even if it was at the top of the road.

it’s not fair to make DD responsible for her brothers behaviour.

and at the end of the day teens have phones so their parents can contact them. If you don’t allow contact on the phone, then you don’t need it

Francestein · 04/09/2025 01:26

It sounds to me like your DH is at his wit’s end with your kids. I don’t think he was wrong taking the phones away. Obviously the shoving was a bridge too far, but your kid shoved too. Neither is okay. I honestly think that you have a small window during which you can “force” your kids to go to school and allow them to defeat their anxiety. That would be the bigggest confidence booster. The fact that kids know that they can get away with school refusal due to conditions such as these fosters a lot more truancy, but schools are already understaffed and underfunded and I don’t think they have the resources to either chase kids down or help resolve the issues that affect each individual’s behaviour. I would recommend family counselling for you all and location sharing on the phone being a contingent for continued use. (I’m assuming you’re paying for them.)