DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

Just read your updates. Only advice I have is to focus on your DD for now. Make sure she goes to school as normal. Give her your mobile number on a piece of paper. Someone else will have a phone if she needs it. With regards your ds, this has set you back (but it would probably have happened at so.e point anyway)and it looks like going back to work may not be possible in near future unless it's pt from home. When the dust settles, start taking him on the bus or car or look into taxi if he has ehcp. I get what you're saying about the routine, but I can't see how your original plan is going to work.

Your son will have been ruminating all summer about going to the college. It's unbelievable that the college doesn't realise this will happen.

Essentially things that seem small to everyone will escalate and grow until it's irrational. At the moment your son needs your help to transition to the college and then he will need help to transition to going independently. You need to take it in small steps rather than attempting to put all the pressure on him. The pressure coming from your partner isn't helping matter but at the moment you're officially your sons carer so care for him in times scales he needs.

Essentially you've both just thrown him out the door to do something that would be so overwhelming that it's hardly surprising it didn't work out.

Your daughter shouldn't be punished as she was also put in a difficult position

I've lost count of the number and times someone has just said to me you'll just have to learn or just try harder as if it's that easy.

Have you watched Chris Packham's documentary on autism? It helpful as it shows things from the autistic perspective.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001jgbw/inside-our-minds-inside-our-autistic-minds-episode-2?seriesId=unsliced

I support the confiscating of phones for the behaviour of both skipping school and I have a child with ASD and one with anxiety who did not attend in yr 11.
I also do not understand your logic on not driving your son into school especially as you do not work.You are worried he will expect it everyday when it is more likely he will feel supported and use lifts until he feels settled and has made friends/ support in college. He really needs you to take him right now and your DD needs an apology for being given your responsibility on her 1st day back at school.
Your partner should not have pushed back but honestly you need to stop being passive. I can see how he did this .One day in and you have given up and decided they won't make it back into school. Step up, drive him in and if he won't go drive in yourself and talk to the college about how you can all help him get in.

It's very odd to be willing to take teenager out of school and teach him at home every day but not drive him there? What's wrong with doing a school run? Plenty of parents drive older children every day if they don't happen to have a bus connection (in many countries school buses don't exist).

Her son is violent, has a long history of school refusal, as well as an autism diagnosis. You don’t need “magical hindsight” to know that he shouldn’t be left in the care of his 14yo sister on his first day back in education for months 🙄

reading between the lines on this post, I think OP is under coercive control, I’d bet anything her motherly instinct would be to take her son to school on his first day but the mantra that he will have to get used to going on the bus once she starts work is learned from her abusive partner. He needs to leave this family unit as he is toxic. The kids deserve more.
OP - look up coercive control, it’s a crime, call Women’s Aid for guidance and support, get a restraining order and a Ring doorbell so you can keep the family home and he can’t come back. The landlord will be paid by the council. Don’t get a job yet, your kids need you around to pick up the pieces and help them heal. Get this man out of your lives. Support your son in going back into school on his terms, low demand at home, he must be exhausted from masking and having his autonomy taken away by a bully he’s not even related to. Get that man out of your house and let your kids heal. Sending you strength to get through this. In a few months you’ll be out the other side. Please don’t wait to get a job to leave him, you’re only kicking the can down the road, and you’re better off asking for help with no job as you’ve been home schooling your disabled child. The council will prioritise you. Your landlord may have to wait for a rental payment. They can’t kick you out. I know this as I’m a landlord and it’s impossible to get tenants in need evicted, and I promise you are in need. Don’t leave your family home unless you want to. Talk to Women’s Aid first. Wishing you so much luck and sending you so much strength. I’m also mum to an ASD and high anxiety child and I know how distressing it is, you need time to heal too, you’ve been holding everything together for so long. ♥️

Her son has a history of school refusal. He has been challenging all summer. He hasn’t been to school for a year. It was completely 100% predictable that he wasn’t going to all of a sudden take a bus journey,get off at the right stop, walk to his new college and go in and find the correct place to be.

Her poor daughter left shouldering the responsibility and missing her own first day.
It is incomprehensible to me that the OPs logic for not bothering her arse to support her son to get to school ( after a whole year of home schooling, in context of ASD and self harm) is that she might, at some point in the future, get a job and that she already knows that her working hours in this hypothetical job won’t allow her to do drop-off.

But why couldn't she just call or text her mum? She may have been a little late to school if she got the next bus or OP could've driven her and dealt with the son . It's the fact they both disappeared for the day and didn't tell anyone

You need to drive them there and see them in.

Given he's not been to school for more than a year it was highly likely he wouldn't just hop on a bus and toddle in to a brand new school environment. It wasn't DDs responsibility to get him there, but she also bunked off school, she has a phone and should have just called you and said he won't get on the bus, you could've dealt with him and she could've gone to school. You don't seem to have any consequences, your daughter isn't ND but she still skipped a whole day of school and didn't tell anyone. Losing her phone for the day seems perfectly reasonable. As for your son I think you've set him up to fail frankly, expecting him to do this by himself after such a long absence from formal education.
Your DP was wrong to react the way he did but his points aren't wrong, the way he communicated them was. He must be so frustrated and you don't support the same message. Given that he isn't their father but is financially supporting you all, he does get to have feelings about the situation.

If you have a young person that struggles to attend school and has been out of education for some time, has mental health difficulties, autism and generally doesn’t cope well, it’s not rocket science to envisage a shit show on the first day in a new setting, public transport and a 14 year old sibling as the parent.

Jesus Christ OP this is horrific, you really need to get these poor kids out of there. That has to be your priority now, there isn't time for you to make sure they're settled at school, find a job and save up money - you need to find a way to leave now.

The OAP didn't know the kids wouldn't go to school so can everyone just put their magical hindsight away

ND teens parent here.
No they shouldn't bloody have their phones. They disappeared for a day, you couldnt contact them. Mine wouldnt be seeing their phone for a month

The only thing dp did wrong was blame dd for ds. He was justified in everything else.

If your worried about dd and no phone get her a cheap Nokia
Same for ds, get him a device where he can only play music

They need consequences not mollycoddling

Your DH was in the wrong. Its understandable there was lots of expectations for this day and that the children should have had more support.

Yes dp was out of line. Ds is struggling and needs support. Dd shouldn’t have had that responsibility

she could have tried her hardest to get him in or left him for the day but she chose to support him to make sure he was ok.

Sorry but ds physically assaulting is not acceptable. At all. Let alone hurting a parent. That’s just a whole new level of disrespect!
I think it was important your husband shoved him back gently because
a. Creating physical distance between the two/self defence
b. There has to be a response, otherwise he will get worse. If there’s no response from dad, imagine being next
c. He’s the dad, he needs to step up and show what’s acceptable

Why is it your dp's decision to take away anyone's phone if he isn't their parent? That's inappropriate. You can decide to give the phones back.

It's completely unfair to make your dd feel responsible for her brother. I think an adult needs to go to the bus stop with them to avoid the situation coming up again, as I can see it's too much to expect your dd to get on her bus while worried about her brother. Tbh if they are going to behave like little kids, then they obviously need that level of supervision.

With a school refuser, I'd take them to school and cross the hurdle of needing to get the bus later when they feel more settled at school.

Is there anywhere you can go? Because it seems as if you are trapped by your DS anxiety which must in part be caused by your DP

I feel like DP has made it worse, yes it's not ok for DS to have hit but doing it back isn't going to teach him anything?

Hopefully it will teach him not to lash out at people physically because the likely response in many cases will be a lot more severe than his stepdad shoving him.

I think it was fine that your partner shouted at your daughter. She skipped school too, didn't she?

I agree with other posters that it shouldn't have been HER responsibility to escort/emotionally support your son to school. You as his parents haven't managed to get him there for over a year so it's far too much to put on a 14 year old.

But your subsequent posts reveal the relationship between you and your partner is over so there really isn't much point posters weighing in on how they think you might improve the relationship between your partner and kids since the plan is to leave him in any case.

Just realised he has an EHCP. Is it an EHE EHCP? As I know EHE children can access 14+ college through regular funding. Have you requested home/school transport? You could try for solo taxi, due to his needs if he can't cope with the bus. Or a fuel allowance to cover your costs.

There’s a detail in one of OP’s posts that no one seems to have picked up on. OP said she can’t afford not to work because she’s trying to get the funds together to leave her DP. So there’s clearly a wider problem.

His attitude to DS alone is a waving red flag because he clearly doesn't seem to understand autism or the significant MH problems DS has. That may be the root of the problem. You seem to be supporting DP here when it’s clear that OP had little choice but to do what she did to support her son. It’s not ideal, but she is the parent here, not DP, and it sounds as though he doesn’t have the skills necessary to deal with autism or the will to learn, so maybe for all their sakes the sooner OP can leave, the better.

OP, having now read your updates, my honest opinion is that you are trying your best to support a son with many vulnerabilities, but your (D?)P is a bell end who has no understanding of MH issues or any desire to learn. From your updates DP sounds like he is a fundamental part of the problem, but I understand you need a plan to leave him.

I can understand his attitude about "his" money as you are not working, but that doesn't mean I agree with him, but it clearly does show he is not invested in the whole family unit.

What does DS think about DP?

You do have my sympathies, I was in a similar situation with my DS (and still am to a lesser degree, self harm etc), but I had a supportive DH. He was often out of his depth and did or said the wrong thing at times, we both did, but we were united in wanting to do the best for DS and wanting to learn and not make the mistakes.

DS needed - and still needs - music to self-sooth.

exactly.

everyone’s saying the DD didn’t do wrong, but she did. She skipped her first day of school. That’ll set her back, especially in her first GCSE year!

In what way?
The op is basically refusing to put the hard work in.
I know its hard work i did with my ds, my parents did it for me, we both have asd and other issues.
Hard lines need to be drawn and going to school is one of them especially when her son has a place at a special school with 1to1 support and only 5 in a class not mainstream, this is as good as it gets.
Op is not the victim here she's the problem.
So perhaps you should get over yourself