DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

Op my child is autistic and I 100 per cent understand about trying to get your son into the correct routine because he won't shift once he has done it one way

I also feel very very sorry for you being stuck in this abusive relationship

however. some of your thoughts seem muddled. If the alternative is home ed where you can't work - why wouldn't you just take him into college?

It sounds like college has been set up for him - I know how invaluable and rare that is for a child with an EHCP

it's not okay to just give up on college now - you need to take him in by person and make this work - for his sake and for yours. Even if you had to take him daily - surely that's preferable to him being stuck at home not having tried this great opportuntity

also please don't keep your daughter off because she doesn't have a phone. This is the sort of thing that spirals into further school refusal

You need to speak to womens aid.

can you give your son your phone for now?

I would have gone with them too. Just for the first day or two. It’s a lot to have put on your dd.

I agree, I would have gone with them, even if just following behind. It's too much on DD

You are too soft, sorry. Must be a hard situation for you though.

Yes, thanks. Someone has already told me that.

No, he isnt the Dad. OP has already stated that.

OP, I do not have much to offer in the way of solutions. However, I have been in a very similar situation regarding my sons. I will simply relate the situation as an example of what happened in our family's case.

We have two sons who are close in age ( two years between them). My eldest has very obvious additional needs. My youngest masked, and any lack of progress at school or behavioural difficulties were assumed by school, by mental health professionals and by us (parents) as being the result of quite a challenging family situation.

My eldest son began having very significant mental health problems during his early to mid-teens. By the time he was 14, he was unable to attend school. Indeed, he was at significant risk at school because he would run away (into busy roads) and self harm significantly.

When he was unable to attend school, my husband had the sole responsibility of keeping him occupied and safe. This was not feasible, so I took long term sick leave from work to try to manage the situation. My eldest ended up as an inpatient in a CAMHS unit.

Then, my youngest began to 'refuse' school. There were interventions from the Educational Welfare Team, the Head of Year and eventually for social services to try to help him attend. He was diagnosed with severe GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and a home tutor was allocated from the LA to help him keep up with English and Maths. He hid from the tutor, locked himself in the bathroom when the tutor came and simply refused to engage. This was because he was overwhelmingly anxious, not because he was being defiant.

When my eldest came back from the CAMHS unit, we had two very unsettled teenage boys at home. There was very little provision for them, and we tried our hardest to encourage them to do something outside the house. It was Hell! The boys fought, my husband (who is also autistic) responded with violent meltdowns and Children's Social Care became involved at the highest level.

The rest of the story involves child protection plans and a necessary separation, largely due to my husband's behaviour towards the boys. This comprised lashing out at them, tirades of verbal abuse and breaking things in the house. I tried to manage the situation (sending my husband out; trying to separate the boys who were at each other's throats and so on). However, I did not do enough, soon enough.

The crisis happened ten years ago. Now my eldest is in supported accommodation and I hope he will start a little part time work soon. My husband was diagnosed with schizophrenia (co-occurring with his ASD) and is now in a care home. He is very unwell. My youngest is still chronically anxious and is being helped by a supported employment team to try to engage in some form of activities.

I think the main point in this oversharing is to say that the OP's situation is serious. It involves a family in crisis, long term inability to access education, a child with caring responsibilities (my youngest used to adapt his play for his brother, and my youngest is also neurodiverse), and, although played down, physical abuse of a vulnerable child.

My advice, if I am in a position to give any, is to contact CSC to see if there can be a multi-disciplinary team meeting in which all agencies pull together to help the children and to help the parents to cope.

You didn’t make the wrong decision to try DS back in education but @Millionsofmonkeys has clearly described the essential foundation you didn’t provide to give it a fair chance. I appreciate you are in a very unsatisfactory situation all round but you need to sort out your priorities. You can’t get back to work if your dc aren’t in school so your excuses around that are irrelevant at this point.

Imagine the situation was reversed and a mother started a thread about being the sole provider of her unemployed partner and two stepchildren, one of whom is an autistic school refuser. The comments would probably tell her to leave the situation ASAP whilst painting her as a saint for taking on the responsibility of someone else's children for so long.

You should be taking them to school until they settle in. It's ridiculous to send them on the bus given the history. And DP needs to give their phones back.

Thanks

I think its ok for your DP to push back when he's been hit first. Your DS needs to learn he can't lash out and expect no push back.

Your DD should have her phone confiscated and should be punished because she refused to answer her phone throughout the day. She was irresponsible in her actions around letting you know where they were and that they were safe.

I would take their phones off them for the week for their behaviour, i would be furious they disappeared for a day without either of them letting me know.

I think you should have taken him the first day so he felt settled. It was wrong to allow your DD to do this.

@BlondeSpider Did your DS receive any praise for getting up, getting dressed and getting to the bus stop?

You didnt make a bad decision to get him back into education. You could have made better choices in planning how its going to happen on a day to day basis. Its no too late, have a think and go forward. Instead of punishments plan how to make things run smoother and how to make the transition comfortable for your son.

The op said in a follow up post that he’s not their dad.

You dp needs to leave if he thinks he can give a NT response to a ASD problem

Also, this. Is he their dad?

This, basically.

I know he’s ND but that’s not an excuse for violence.

DD should not have been blamed.

You need to leave the partner.

Reading between the lines, the two children probably had a tough childhood and now the effects of that are catching up. OP was presumably a single mum to twins for a number of years up until the age of 6. No mention if they still have contact or financial support from the biological father. The current partner sounds bit like a twat but nothing suggests he was or is abusive. He didn't enter the relationship with the expectation that he would end up being the stepfather of an autistic son with extremely high support needs. To be honest, it sounds like the partner has one foot out the door already because he seems sick of dealing with the situation. The first day was the last straw.

As many have said, all this could have been avoided if they twins were taken to school personally. Speaking to the teacher after a prolonged absence also makes perfect sense. Or the very least helping a child settle into a new environment and new class.

I wouldn't be yelling or taking his phone. We tried the firm but fair approach with DD2 and being strict, but this was entirely counterproductive. Compassion and seeing things from their perspective are key. DD shouldn't have been told off at all.

EBSA and autism is very, very difficult to manage. DD2 just wanted to be normal and go to school with her friends, but couldn't manage it for any length of time. Secondary school was too much and she would keep trying but crash and burn.

He has missed a lot of school and will need support to get him to college, and it still may not be the right setting for him. Contact the college and see what they can do.

OP, I'd recommend following Dr Naomi Fisher on Facebook and joining the group Not Fine in School if you aren't on there already.

And avoid AIBU, because most posters love to pontificate without having a clue what you or DS are going through.

And it's not a good one.

Me too. I feel He is being used

I can understand why you didn’t go with him today. However I would have followed them from a safe distance to make sure they did get on the bus.

Fully understand about school refusing.

I think without your partner this could have been handled much better
Instead of flying off the handle you on your own could have found out what the problem was and worked on that

Is your partner stupid? Doesn’t he understand that diagnosing someone doesn’t mean all the things that are going on, still go on. Does he think if you get diagnosed with a broken spine that once diagnosed you just carry on as normal and muddle through or if you get diagnosed with type 1 diabetes that the diabetes suddenly becomes less important and you can eat anything and you will somehow be ok?

The diagnosis of Autism means his response to anything has to be measured and quiet rather than. Dp’s DS has a diagnosis of autism so now we know what’s wrong I can treat him like a NT child and shout and am going to get results

I would be telling your dp he shouted because he deep down wanted you to stay home and “do nothing”
Ds is now going to stay home and be home schooled like he wants
And as this is what he wants then he needs to takeover and do his share of everything else.

He also needs to give their phones back. They are yours and if he doesn’t I would involve the police.

Unfortunately I do believe your dp’s response has cancelled every prospect to your don attending school. The damage your dp has done is immeasurable

Is there anyway you can leave or your dp can leave. If you claimed HB and UC. Could you afford to keep the house?
Have you looked at Entitled to website and without your dp there could you manage.

Where is your dc’s father. Does he pay CM.

Your dd did exactly what a sister should have done and should have been praised not berated and punished.

You dp needs to leave if he thinks he can give a NT response to a ASD problem

One more thing I would say of the autistic kids I know is that media and phones and distraction is a major coping mechanism for them.

I can see why your partner has had enough to be fair. He's been bankrolling 4 people for over a year now. A summer of your son doing what he likes and behaving badly in the process. DP was probably hoping it was a start of things getting back on track but instead it's more of the same. I can see why he's taking the phones as they are not doing what they are meant to do I.e. go to school so why reward it. Plus it's more dossing around and their phones shouldn't enable that. As others have said your son needs to learn to be less reliant on his phone, he can't just constantly use it at school or work. DP should not have shoved DS but then again DS shouldn't have hit him and it sounds like DS needs a taste of the real world (he can't just go around hitting people). DP also shouldn't have put the responsibility on DD -why is it her responsibility?! Plus how could she make him anyway?

Could you take your son to the GP, maybe he needs to be medicated for his anxiety? Could a psychologist help him? I don’t think your partner understands autism.. my friends kids who have autism struggle with anxiety too. Some of them have ADHD and autism.