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Original poster

DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

491 replies

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 22:03

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

OP posts:
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Poppins21 · 08/09/2025 08:16

FairKoala · 08/09/2025 02:33

Then why did he do the one thing that guaranteed he would keep on paying for them all.

He has had 1 year of BlondeSpider being without work and money and he loves the control it gives him.

All he had to do was step back and let BlondeSpider deal with her DS and dd and she would have got the DS back into college and her back in a job and be earning money and planning a future without her dh.

But the dh wants control more than anything else and he knows he won’t get that if BlondeSpider goes back to work.

Show quote history

I think you are giving her too much kudos here as she decided not to take her DS that first morning.

FairKoala · 08/09/2025 02:33

CallMeEvelyn · 05/09/2025 23:01

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave.

Of course. He must be loving living with a ND formerly suicidal teenager who hits him, another one filled with anxiety and their non-paying, full of excuses mother escaping parenting. Who wouldn't want to pay for them all and who wouldn't revel in this set up. 🙄

Then why did he do the one thing that guaranteed he would keep on paying for them all.

He has had 1 year of BlondeSpider being without work and money and he loves the control it gives him.

All he had to do was step back and let BlondeSpider deal with her DS and dd and she would have got the DS back into college and her back in a job and be earning money and planning a future without her dh.

But the dh wants control more than anything else and he knows he won’t get that if BlondeSpider goes back to work.

SamkaSabrinka · 07/09/2025 08:48

BlondeSpider · 04/09/2025 16:03

I'm not autistic and nor is DD, as said she doesn't have traits but I know girls can mask. Their dad was, yes.

Their dad passed away when I was pregnant with them leaving me w single mum to them and my then 8yo DD

I can't go out because I don't feel comfortable leaving DS home on his own, so I can't work weekends as I said DP is always out of a weekend and I wouldn't feel comfortable him watching DS now anyway. I was previously working in a care home which was shifts.

On the unlikely chance he hasn't gone out he still refuses to watch DS, he says I should take him with me which isn't very relaxing for me and I still can't see friends as he won't sit for long in a cafe for example

I’m so sorry, @BlondeSpider , as this is an awful lot that you carry and have carried.

BUT
it’s even MORE important then that you get DS into school!!!
so you have that break
and he has that support

By not taking him in, you have zero chance of getting a job and having some respite.

Take him in.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 06/09/2025 16:06

CanadianHobbit · 04/09/2025 13:50

I think you are being soft and sounds like your partner is the only one willing to parent the kids. Too bad if your son wants his phone to listen to music - put the radio on, put music on the tv. Enough is enough - step up and parent your kids. Removing their phones is a minor punishment for the way they have behaved.

Agreed. I can’t get over how many people think he should have no say over children’s behaviours in his own home. Heck, any child in my home even if it’s just a play date will be told appropriately when behaviour is poor.
His response seems perfectly reasonable to me. Behaviour has consequences, autism or no autism.
OP seemed perfectly happy to allow DD to play parent…. (Which btw was not ok given the circumstances). OP should have ensured he safety got on the bus at the very least (even if that meant watching from afar).

camiseta · 06/09/2025 03:13

So much ableism on this thread. The bus was a perfectly sensible plan. It hasn't worked and that's now the issue but there was no reason not to try it, and indeed many reasons why it was very much worth a shot. Kudos to everyone raising ND and disabled kids and teens. I'm not but I take my hat off to all of you!

Meadowfinch · 06/09/2025 02:25

"I'm planning on going back to work "

So you were available this morning, but didn't take your ds to school despite knowing he was anxious and it would be difficult for him. Essentially, you couldn't be bothered. Wow!

This is on you. Maybe try to support your dcs more.

sandyhappypeople · 06/09/2025 02:03

PinkChaires · 05/09/2025 23:49

Erm, the whole point is that ds has to go to school by himself so op can start work?

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So the best thing would be to make sure he is comfortable getting there and going in and settled.. not just leaving it to chance!

There's no point saying 'if I did it once he'd expect it all the time' when it is quite obvious he was never going to go in, don't even get me started on making her daughter responsible for him!

She is available NOW, it doesn't matter if she is 'planning' on getting a job down the line, she hasn't actually got one, or is in the process of getting one, so the most important thing is supporting her son to go to school herself.. if he doesn't go to school she can't get a job anyway.. so she needs to make sure he has the support from her he needs while she is available to give it!

CallMeEvelyn · 06/09/2025 00:50

PinkChaires · 05/09/2025 23:50

Also, where/ how is she meant to just find this magic job that is available to take her and fits around ds school?

By looking for it and applying instead of picking a job that doesn't work in her circumstances and then actively sabotaging that plan in any event.

stichguru · 06/09/2025 00:06

BlondeSpider · 03/09/2025 22:23

Even if I took him in just once that'd become the routine to him and I can't always take him in, I'm planning on going back to work which will be shifts so I won't always be around to drive him in. So the bus is the transport he'll be using and he needs to use it from day 1 really. They were getting the same bus except his stop was a few before DD’s right outside the college.

DD said she wasn't going to just leave him at the bus stop so she didn't go in either.

DP isn't their dad. And DS has been lying on his bed not really saying much just that he's not going tomorrow or any other day either. I feel like DP has made it worse, yes it's not ok for DS to have hit but doing it back isn't going to teach him anything? His phone is also a comfort item of his that he uses to listen to music when he's stressed.

I feel like I made the wrong decision with trying to get him back into education

STOP excusing expecting your daughter to parent her sibling. You should never have put her in this position. I think you are totally jumping forward here. Like yes what your DP did was wrong, but what you did was wrong too. You're not being realistic for your son. You need to come up with a new plan because he didn't use the bus on day one and stopped his sister going to school too. So you need a plan which for not at least sees YOU getting your son to school, or home education or something, but not just duping him on his sister.

PinkChaires · 05/09/2025 23:50

Also, where/ how is she meant to just find this magic job that is available to take her and fits around ds school?

PinkChaires · 05/09/2025 23:49

Pizaa · 05/09/2025 23:45

You are a bad parent because you can’t even be bothered to take him to school and you don’t even work so what is your justification for that?

Erm, the whole point is that ds has to go to school by himself so op can start work?

PinkChaires · 05/09/2025 23:49

But wheres the money coming from if op cant work to drive ds to school?? I think you have got it the wrong way around. Theres no magic option for op to not work so she cannot be there to drive or bus him to school. She obviously cant keep living off partners money. If he doesn’t have the right to implement punishments eg taking the phone, its a bit of a stretch to expect him to financially support them

Pizaa · 05/09/2025 23:45

You are a bad parent because you can’t even be bothered to take him to school and you don’t even work so what is your justification for that?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/09/2025 23:22

Well either you can drive him to school, which you say will prevent you from working, or you can not drive him which means he won’t go which means he’ll be at home which means you won’t be able to work either. There’s not point clinging to this daydream of a third option where he takes himself to school on the bus, it’s a non starter. Drive him to school, get him properly settled into a routine, and try to find work that fits around it. Once he’s settled at school you may be able to switch to him taking the bus. What you’re currently doing is worrying about him not coping with change and trying to force one massive change onto him when actually you could split it into two smaller (but still pretty big) changes. You’d need a gap between the two changes, make sure he is properly established at school before you talk about him getting the bus. Trying to go straight to him taking himself to school on the bus was very unlikely to work, it’s just too overwhelming.

CallMeEvelyn · 05/09/2025 23:07

Chobby · 05/09/2025 23:04

Well if he doesn’t, he can end the relationship, surely?

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Of course. He may also be staying out of sense of responsibility for them all, habit or emotional tie to the OP, or he can't afford to divorce.

Chobby · 05/09/2025 23:04

CallMeEvelyn · 05/09/2025 23:01

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave.

Of course. He must be loving living with a ND formerly suicidal teenager who hits him, another one filled with anxiety and their non-paying, full of excuses mother escaping parenting. Who wouldn't want to pay for them all and who wouldn't revel in this set up. 🙄

Well if he doesn’t, he can end the relationship, surely?

CallMeEvelyn · 05/09/2025 23:01

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave.

Of course. He must be loving living with a ND formerly suicidal teenager who hits him, another one filled with anxiety and their non-paying, full of excuses mother escaping parenting. Who wouldn't want to pay for them all and who wouldn't revel in this set up. 🙄

CallMeEvelyn · 05/09/2025 22:56

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 11:42

Does this plethora of evidence about the effects of screen time relate only to NT children.

As someone with ADHD and ASD I use mind numbing games and scrolling in order to quieten the noise and think. If someone said I couldn’t have my phone then the decisions I would make would reflect the disastrous knee jerk decisions I would make throughout my life before there were phones to scroll through

I also my phone in order to get to sleep.

It’s not about soothing but about distracting the brain enough in order to quieten the noise

You wouldn’t think it was optimal to get to sleep if 1000 tvs and radios etc were all playing 1000 different things at full volume. The phone acts as a volume control

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You're doing yourself a massive disservice but that's your choice. My entire household is ND and this is definitely not the method we use regularly, by choice, as we assessed the pros and cons.

KeepCalmAndCarryOnScrolling · 05/09/2025 20:34

I like your posts koala
Thank you for your insights.
May I ask you what your own school experience, job, life trajectory has been?
What would you have changed if you could?
What is the best way of persuading you to do or try something and how much time do you need to get out/how much prep/how many choices?
Thanks in advance x Brew Cake

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 14:59

Another thing.

Don’t tell me I can’t do something because I won’t even try to do it. I mean why would you put in all the effort to try if you are going to fail

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 14:56

I am just recounting my own lived experience.

Don’t shout at me for not doing something I am nervous of doing because I will dig my heels in and I will never do it.

Don’t withhold presents, nice things or even food because I don’t have the same need to get any of the above and it is just a meaningless threat. I can live without food longer than you can.

Dont try to bribe me I don’t look
on things the same way as a NT

Don’t say words that are literally ridiculous. It will just confuse me. “You need a good slap” What’s the difference between a “good” slap and a “bad” slap.

I can understand why your DS didn’t go to college. However your dh made the situation all about him. He made no effort to understand how your autistic child’s brain works and has made a bad situation worse

Chobby · 05/09/2025 14:17

XiCi · 05/09/2025 13:57

I think that people thinking that they can treat ND children the same as NT children are really not understanding how ND brains work
I wish this could be pinned to the top of the thread. Why oh why do people that have no experience and no knowledge feel the need to come on to these threads and offer their completely useless and irrelevant advice. Usually this also includes giving the OP a bit of a kicking, or at the very least let them know of their perceived superiority, at a time when the OP is clearly under a great deal of stress. It's the same with threads about conditions like arfid or food issues related to SEN and there are always posters who love to come on and say how their little darlings eat anything and if you sent your little bastards to bed with no supper they would soon eat what's in front of them 🙄. It's frustrating because if you discount all of the useless ignorance and the obvious male wind up merchants on here defending the abusive DH because he 'supports them' then there is some good advice. I hope the OP is able to just wade through all the bullshit to find that advice without it adding to her stress

Excellent post.

It’s fine not to understand much about neurodiversity, not everyone can be experts in everything. But equally if you know nothing about it, why comment on a thread that is out of your realm of experience and expertise?
I know very little about eating disorders, thankfully it’s not something I’ve experienced in myself or my loved ones. So I wouldn’t go on a thread with a mother worrying about her anorexia child, for example, and post ‘have you tried telling them to eat more?’.
And no, I’m not comparing neurodiversity to an eating disorder, it’s just an example to make a point about not commenting on things you don’t understand (and making an already struggling poster feel even more shit).

XiCi · 05/09/2025 13:57

I think that people thinking that they can treat ND children the same as NT children are really not understanding how ND brains work
I wish this could be pinned to the top of the thread. Why oh why do people that have no experience and no knowledge feel the need to come on to these threads and offer their completely useless and irrelevant advice. Usually this also includes giving the OP a bit of a kicking, or at the very least let them know of their perceived superiority, at a time when the OP is clearly under a great deal of stress. It's the same with threads about conditions like arfid or food issues related to SEN and there are always posters who love to come on and say how their little darlings eat anything and if you sent your little bastards to bed with no supper they would soon eat what's in front of them 🙄. It's frustrating because if you discount all of the useless ignorance and the obvious male wind up merchants on here defending the abusive DH because he 'supports them' then there is some good advice. I hope the OP is able to just wade through all the bullshit to find that advice without it adding to her stress

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 12:50

he said they'll get them back when he says

What an A*hole

Call him and tell him to give them back now otherwise you will be calling the police to report a theft.

Or get dd especially a cheap CEX phone with a £5 payg credit on it for the time being

Do have a look at the Entitledto website as you might be able to afford the place you are in now by claiming HB and UC. Also look at claiming as an about to be divorced person living under the same roof but being separated. Also remember going forward that things like council tax would be halved because you are the only adult at the property.

I think you would be better off emotionally without this nasty, controlling, abusive POS. I also think long term you and your children would be happier and in turn would be financially better off

Without him your children’s lives would be happier, your DS would be in college you would be working and you wouldn’t be worrying about your dd.
£50 for food. (My sides are splitting 🤣🤣🤣)

Whilst a lot of what you are dealing with is because of Neuro Diversity. This is made much worse because of your dh’s controlling and abusive behaviour

Do your homework today and get yourself a place to sleep instead of the main bedroom and start claiming as a single parent about to divorce. I would stop doing anything for this man (he can get his own food, wash his own clothes)

I know it is scary but sometimes when you know things are not working out and the pain gets too much, making that leap into the unknown and walking away/divorcing and either leaving yourself with dc or getting dh to leave is the only way forward.

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 12:17

Poppins21 · 04/09/2025 09:51

OP is still happy to take his money though. If he is abusive she should leave and if he isn’t abusive she is just using him to fund her and her children. Where is their biological father in this? And the latest post from the OP is not taking on board any of the comments.

Edited
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But given his reaction he obviously must be quite happy to support everyone

Actions have consequences and shouting at a ND child for something that required patience and understanding and quiet words and removing dc’s phones is just going to mean he has to continue to pay

My thoughts are that he likes paying because he likes control and throwing his weight around and if BlondeSpider were allowed to work and earn money he knows she would leave. So why would he learn about autism and temper his responses instead of losing his temper and causing trauma and stealing the one thing that would help the DS and keep the dd safe