To be upset about in laws

Well, maybe take a leaf out of your DH's playbook. He's not bothered, or not bothered enough to do anything about it, so why are you so much more upset? Would you feel the same way if there were no other grandchildren involved, and if your PILs had just stopped being quite as interested in your children as they had been?

Yep and it will be awful for your children when they realise you are the one doing all the chasing and their grandparents are disinterested. Don't set them up to chase these people for attention.

They might come to their senses if you just match their energy completely. Otherwise, you and your children are missing out on absolutely nothing. Having to beg for attention is far worse than simply moving on and not worrying about people who don't worry about you.

The thing about a conversation, they will immediately get defensive. They will say, your girls had all their attention for 'x' years and now it's 'y's' turn. If they are doing childcare for the other child then they will say that family needs them more at this time. They may accuse you of being jealous of SIL.

If it's just a rant about how unfair it is and how your girls miss them. Keep it on here

I wouldn’t agree to match their energy, in life there has to be a bigger person or else your children are the ones that suffer (dsis used to initiate a lot of family meet ups and when her job got full on everything fell by the wayside- all our fault and we’re building it back up). As a result all the cousins don’t know each other and it’s a shame. I think you’re fab that you continue pictures etc

But you don't know that here

Do you not think it's worth a conversation OP? Doesn't need to be an accusation of favouring the SIL grandkids. Just asking if everything is OK as they don't ask about or seem to want to see the kids any more and the kids have noticed, is there anything behind it

Drop the rope . Let your husband do all the running and organising contact . Step back and get on with your life . Their loss .

Honestly, how much projection can you both fit into a post?

The ILs have been actively involved for approx the last six years. They see them regularly and don’t even need to do the travel. The only change was the arrival of another DGC that lives closer.

”It’s your fault for keeping them at arm’s length when your child was born even though that doesn’t tie in with the post at all”. Did you even bother reading the post or are you just ILs that overstepped and have had boundaries put in place by your DILs that you’re bitter about? Baffling.

I agree with other PPs Op. Match their energy. It’s exhausting chasing for something when you get nothing back. Your DCs are at an age where they will notice the disparity soon enough, and maybe that will make your ILs realise.

I have exactly the same situation. I agree with your husband that bringing it up won't help. I think we would be met with stubborn defensiveness and the situation would only become worse. Sadly, the effect of this is that my husband and I have matched the energy by subtlety withdrawing. Sharing less about our children and no longer trying to facilitate a better relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.

Unfortunately lots of parents have favourites, and your DH is obviously not the favourite. Same with us - my husband is not the favourite so MIL lavishes attention on her younger son’s kids. I think maintain contact for kids’ sake but move on mentally from it.

I agree with this. Women wants to lay the rules down then get shocked when people can’t be asked to put the effort in anymore.

I'm in the same boat with my own Mum. Was very into my kids until my brother had his and then we were dropped. Always made it very clear she wouldn't do any childcare (absolutely her right, we never asked due to knowing she didn't want to) and as soon as my brother had kids, guess what? She is quite happy to do it for them. We all live in the same village so my kids have to see their Gran picking up the cousins from school every week and never them!

As well as she has them for regular sleepovers at the weekend so my Brother and SiL can go away and enjoy themselves. She has never had all mine for a sleepover.

Talking to her about it fell in deaf ears so have had to go LC with her now as I can't stand it. When I did spend time with her, all she talked about was my nieces so I gave up!

It really sucks. People always say to me it's her loss, which it is but I also feel it's mine too as I always wanted a close relationship with my Mum.

Yeah I say if I could pick grandparents for my kids it would be dn grandparents.
i guess there’s something about your dds kids vs your sons kids.
for those saying match their energy, I did this after many years of trying. After a handful of months they noticed and started complaining I wasn’t making enough effort and dh (who knows the whole story!) suggested I meet them in the middle🙄

Not acknowledging the pictures of your DDs is thoughtless and mean. Just stop sending them. How do your in-laws behave when your DH takes them to visit? Are they kind and loving or aren't they really bothered about seeing them? If it is the latter, I'd tell DH to stop taking them. Don't beg for crumbs from their table. Pull back completely before your children are aware of the disparity in treatment between them and SIL's DS.

Ooft this is hurtful, but I agree with PP’s about matching their energy and protecting your peace a bit here. Not quite the same as my MIL and FIL adore my DC, see them often and we talk most days about them, but my DH and I have very large and involved families on both sides. On his side, there’s a WhatsApp group for the whole extended family, so essentially my PILs, grandparents in laws, aunts, uncles etc etc (may sound a bit bonkers and it is but we’re all very close and see each other often so it doesn’t feel strange to us!). Anyway, my SIL and BIL post endless photos of their DC and without fail are met with enthusiastic and loving responses. They also post about their own news and again are met with excitement and general interest. if I or my DH ever posted a picture of our DC it was always met with total silence except by my sweet MIL! I wouldn’t have minded if everyone was met with silence but it was the disparity between the two which so annoyed me! Now, I only send photos in the PIL WhatsApp group, I literally haven’t posted in the other group for a year now and neither has my DH. I have it archived and muted and it’s honestly been so much better for me happiness levels not thinking about it or confronting it each day! So yes it IS hurtful and it sucks, but quietly protect yourself a bit here and don’t send things anymore! I’m sorry though :(

This happened to us. However, my DH wouldn't tolerate it and called them out. They denied it of course, but their attitude did change after the discussion and we had no further problems.

Just ask them what the problem is?

No more photos or updates.

My mil is similar, but obviously she is closer to her own daughter, they live nearer and she provides childcare. You can’t change any of that, so either you let them crack on and you let it annoy you, or you crack on too and let DH send his mum photos, keep mil updated and let him take DC to visit whenever he likes. It’s hard, but it doesn’t have to be.

Yep. This.

Unfortunately it’s what it is, it’s not nice so I can see why you’re upset but you can’t change them or insist that they must care more about your kids so you should stop sending them regular updates and pictures since they ignore them, adjust your expectations going forward and focus on your family.

I’ve seen this many times where grandkids from their daughters take precedence over grandkids from the DIL especially when daughters tend to be closer to their mothers than sons who tend to be at arms length and distant. I’m not saying it’s right I’m just saying it’s what it is so as others said match their energy, adjust your expectations so you don’t get upset and leave them to it.

Do your kids have a relationship with your parents?

I’d stop it all. The photos, the visits.

Let them miss you and do the running for a change.

90% of posts on here are about how the woman has kept their in laws at arms length and then wonder why their In laws don’t give a shit