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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents of ND children - AIBU to find this annoying? Borderline offensive?

39 replies

Sunat45degrees · 03/09/2025 17:00

My DS has ADHD and SPD (this is relevant). It has been a long road but he's doing really really well now and is settled in high school etc.

we all believe nephew has ADHD (at least) but for many years SIL and exBIL were in denial. They now accept it but after more than 18 months, still haven't even added him to a waitinng list for assessment. Meanwhile, his behaviour and outcomes are awful and SIL is furious that people are not more understanding of his ND. She regularly rants about how, for example, after school club is refusing to allow him come in the afternoons as his behaviour is so disruptive as she feels this is discriminatory and they need to put things in place to support him.

But I also am finding it sort of annoying or offensive or triggering (I can't quite work it out) that she seems to think her son deserves all this special attention and dispensation and she's happy to refer to him as having ADHD when she hasn't even bothered to get him diagnosed.

I can't work out if I find it offensive because she seems to think she can ust decide he has it without an actual diagnosis. Rr if it's because she's using it as an excuse for behaviours that on our side we've worked so hard to manage. Is it because I had to advocate so hard for my DS, over and over again and yet all she's doing is complain without doing anything? is this just classic irritation with in laws?

Or am I right to be a bit offended by this? The problem is I think he DOES have adhd. I also think he might be autistic too, but she doesn't want to hear it. So when she says he needs support, I agree. But his behaviour and attitude is so different to DS and she seems to think it's a blanket "get out of jail free" card, and she hasn't even had a professional assess him.

Or am I just being a bitch?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2025 21:37

I would find it very annoying that she isn’t even seeking a diagnosis.

Yes, school and other settings should put accommodations in place if the child manifestly needs them, regardless of diagnosis. But for a parent not to even start down the pathway in this situation seems irresponsible.

And if you’re helping your son to cope in the actual world we live in (my son has diagnosed ADHD so I know this is an uphill task) it would frustrate me to see her failing her son by just using it as an excuse and not helping him.

I wouldn’t necessarily go for “offensive” as my first reaction, or even annoying, but yes I’d find it frustrating. And I’d be concerned for DNephew most of all.

Edit - I can see I’ve used annoying in the first line, but as I thought about it, it’s not quite the word I want.

Takeyourownline · 03/09/2025 21:26

Accommodations are not a prize for diagnosis.

iirbRosb · 03/09/2025 21:17

I wonder if the irritation is that she almost wants it both ways - she wants the understanding and the individual treatment but she doesn’t want to do the hard work of actually getting the diagnosis and addressing what is going on. I suspect I’d feel the same in your shoes

Takeyourownline · 03/09/2025 21:15

Support isn’t and should never be diagnosis based, so I’m not sure why you feel DN has to be diagnosed to be allowed accommodation. Surely the decision to be assessed or accept diagnosis must be made in that child’s best interest and I’m not sure it IS uniformly the case that dx is the optimum path?
I find your feelings hard to understand. Why are you surprised that your SIL doesn’t welcome and embrace your armchair diagnosis? I’m not surprised she’s a bit bitey if you are suggesting disorders. Why would you do that?

Original poster
Sunat45degrees · 03/09/2025 20:19

What I do know, but can't quite articulate even to myself, is that this sense of being "offended" is linked to DS. Which is odd because yes, we have fought hard for him, but I would argue that even before he was diagnosed and medicated and when we were struggling, his struggles are actually not as severe as his cousin's. So why am I offended on his behalf?

I do not like not understanding my own reactions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunat45degrees · 03/09/2025 20:17

I am 100% clear on where I'm irritated - she is absolutely failing her child and that frustrates me. So yes, I am annoyed about that and while I'm deeply sympathetic to the feeling she's experiencing where taking the next step is too hard, it does frustrate me becuase he is the one suffering.

The bit I'm less clear on is this feeling of being offended. I'm not someone who offends easily and am usually more of a "water off a ducks back" or a "I'll roll my eyes and make a mental note not to hang out with you" kind of person.

But with her, if you dare to say, for example, that the challenges are significant becuase he's got these other issues going on plus he's probably ND, she will snap that he is "definitely got ADHD". which really, we don't actually know even though we're all pretty sure.

I am starting to think that the feeling of being offended comes not so much from the lack of diagnosis, but the sense she thinks it means she doesn't have to do anything else if he has ADHD. LIke it's just "one of those things" and that diagnosing is no big deal? Perhaps because I have spent so many many many years fighting for DS? As anyone with a ND child knows - the need for constant advocacy, for constant support, for constant adjustments, is relentless.

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 03/09/2025 17:27

Are you just really irritated that she's failing her child by not getting him a diagnosis or support?

The fact that she's wants all the dispensations that benefit her while doing nothing that supports her child would grate on me too.

ShittyGlitter · 03/09/2025 17:21

Deepbluesea1 · 03/09/2025 17:03

this is a weird thing to get wound up about. In what ways does this impact you?

Well it’s her nephew so presumably she cares about the child and his out comes, but also can relate because of her own child’s struggles and her journey to get a diagnosis and support.

Not sure if you are aware, but sometimes other people’s actions can trigger an emotional response in ourselves and it’s okay to explore that.

FuzzyWolf · 03/09/2025 17:12

YANBU. It sounds like she’s decided she has diagnosed him without bothering to have him formally assessed and get the support he needs. Have you tried asking her how she is getting on with the assessment?

Sirzy · 03/09/2025 17:11

Maybe she is just scared? It’s a big step and maybe she is worried that they will say he doesn’t have ADHD. Maybe she is worried about the long term

im not saying her approach is right but maybe she needs supportive guidance rather than judgement

SeriouslyStressed · 03/09/2025 17:10

It’s all very well her saying that the afterschool club must put support in but support costs money and where does this come from? Should all the other parents pay extra? Even with an EHCP the funding is normally just for core school hours, sometimes those with pupil premium funding can use it for additional support at after school clubs but it’s at the discretion of the school, it won’t fund much and he’d have to get PP first

JustStopItNora · 03/09/2025 17:08

I get it. I have a DS now 15 years who was diagnosed at 3. I have been in the trenches since then.

She sounds angry and at sea. We were all there at one stage. So I have sympathy for that. But she needs to read the fucking room.

I'd tell her tbh.

Mumofsoontobe3 · 03/09/2025 17:04

At very least she should have him on the pathway for a diagnosis - it's a long road to get a diagnosis but not many places will put things in place to support without either the pathway or the actual diagnosis. She can't just slap a label on it without a proper assessment. She needs to get the wheels in motion if she wants her DS to have adaptions in place.

Deepbluesea1 · 03/09/2025 17:03

this is a weird thing to get wound up about. In what ways does this impact you?