Wish someone told me about having kids early!

Where is this “chant”? Who says that?

How is being a “strong independent woman” incompatible with motherhood.

Sounds like manosphere fan fiction.

Fair play to you posting about this.
It impacts many women with the MC mindset.
Luckily you didn't have fertility problems or wait until you were 36, when it is harder to get pregnant.
Threads on here about class have posters falling over themselves to say that they were 39, but felt 25 giving birth.

I used to think I want to be child free

And you think people should have been telling you to have babies, and have them early? No ta. I'd rather respect women's choices when they state them, even if they change over time. PLEASE don't tell young women to have them sooner. I had one, later than you, after wanting to be child-free. I don't wish anyone had tried to change my mind.

But you didn’t want them before you were 31. Would you really have listened to someone trying to tell you otherwise?

And for this reason, you did the right thing!

You wouldn’t have listened.

Nor, may you have been ready for it, or felt the same, at that point in your life.

I think my generation were completely ripped off with the 'having it all' bullshit. There are a very few, very rare women who apparently manage to make that work but everyone else in the world feels they're shortchanging/being shortchanged somewhere. I genuinely do not believe it's possible to be able to give maximum input or as much attention as necessary to child rearing, working, relationship, fulfilling lifestyle and various other responsibilities if you're doing all of those things. When I was a working mother there was no physical way to give all the time I needed to in all areas. The amount of hours simply didn't exist and it was absolutely miserable to know I was dropping balls everywhere. I have a friend who thinks she does do it all and is very proud of it - I won't visit her house because it's fucking disgusting to the point of being a health hazard. Quite literally dog shit all over the floor and not a square inch of space available on any surface because of crap dumped all over it. They eat takeaway at least four times per week. She might be great at splitting her time between her work and kids but there's absolutely nothing else at all that she's getting done in her life. Rarely sees husband.

Are you coming at this from someone in on this “secret” middle class section.

or are you on the outside guessing? @EmeraldShamrock000

Well, you appear to be judging right back?

Well, feel free to blame other people for you not opting in to being some dystopian babydrone with no access to contraception, no agency in planning your pregnancies, no legal basis for refusing sexual consent in marriage, and probably little or no access to mopney.

It's a really weird form of unthinking nostalgia for anyone who is keen on the notion of female equality, but you do you. Maybe think about your grandmother's lack of choice.

My DH's grandmother had 13 live children from 19 pregnancies and stillbirths. She married at 18 and was pretty much pregnant from then until menopause. That someone might find that something they would choose is baffling to me.

It's definitely a secret that is hidden in the middle class section of society.

They enjoy judging others, who haven't had a degree or travelled, didn't wait until they had a career established in their mid thirties.

Once they have a baby, they want to be here for them as long as possible, giving birth in your late 30's early 40's to your first child is limiting.

PPs will disagree with me.
It's limiting with grandparent relationships and future grandchildren too.

I had mine very young so have teenagers in my 30s. I always feel out of place though, most of my friends have toddlers. There’s pros and cons either way.

I don’t necessarily think it’s an age thing to be honest - surely anybody with 2 young kids and a job would be exhausted? I had DD at 37 and never noticed a difference between myself and the younger mums. Would’ve loved another but with relationship issues and having to go through more IVF it just wasn’t going to be doable.

My DD is 21 and doesn’t want kids until she’s at least 30 - I fully support her in that! It’s normal these days.

Considering you didn’t feel ready for children until you were 31, I’m not sure the point of this post? Be grateful you’re a happy mum with healthy children.

Thank you.
As others have said, there is no perfect time. I had my only child at 19,imo definitely far too young

Ugh. Me in my 20's was not set up for children! Also my career wouldn't be where it is with the flexibility and pay that I have now, making it easier to work around the kids.

Children are exhausting no matter what age you have them. I had mine at 30 and 35. The only thing that niggles (and literally just a niggle) is the age I'll be when they grow up, I'll be 53 when my youngest turns 18, my DH will be 58 - right now that seems old, but it probably won't be old when I get there :D

I wouldn't trade the freedom of my 20's for freedom in my 50's

Where were you? I feel it is constantly drummed into women “no to leave it too late” but life does not work like that. Nothing stopping you having 2 more.

Well all the research shows that the longer you wait the better off you are.

But I wish I'd started earlier. I am knackered with 2 small kids at 37 and have decided I'm too old for a third. Over half my friends don't yet have kids and most of them want them.

I also wish it was made more clear that egg freezing and IVF are great but not a complete insurance policy. Also that the economic system was much better so that you could live off one income if you want to. Finally I wish we just were more parent friendly as a society. In my very middle class world I don't think people are exposed to kids much before they have them and then it's obviously a huge shock!

Basically I think as a society we do have kids too late now. Not criticising people's individual choices but it can't be right when people are desperate to have kids but can't do it until they are 38 or 39.

Misses the point but what are you retraining in @mindutopia ?

OP, I was the same when I started doing the death maths. But I’ve learned there are no guarantees in life as seemingly healthy, younger friends have sadly died way before their time.

Part of your joy (and exhaustion!) is down to age and being mature enough to enjoy your DC and be a bit nostalgic about it all…

I'm the same as you. I was lured into the 'strong, independent woman' chant and missed out on having more children by giving all my best years to the corporate machine. I wish I would have had 14 like my grandmother.

You’re 36

If you’re suffering from exhaustion it’s not because of your age at 36! It’s because you have two very very young children and it’s exhausting!

do you work full time or part time?

eldest starting school next September or just started?

I was the same age as you when I had my dc - 32 and 37. I absolutely don’t wish I had them younger! I had a fab time in my 20s. I partied. I travelled. I worked abroad. I got a PhD. It was great. Had dc in my 30s. Built a career, we started a family business, put in the all the work. Mid 40s now. We have lots more freedom now. Dh and I do a bit of travel again. I’ve walked a Camino. I’m retraining and starting a new business. Good financial security. I definitely would not want to be out partying, travelling like a 20 year old now in my 40s though! Very happy I did all that young and have freedom to enjoy other things now.

Not in London
32 is young!

i was 30, and the youngest in my NCT group by 6 years! That was London 15 years ago

Exactly. I had my one child just before I turned 40, entirely by my choice, and wouldn't have had it any other way. I'd had a good 20 years of adult fun, freedom, travelling, moving countries on a whim, concentrating on building a career, so I was happy to change my pace. If by 'having it all', you mean having a child and a fulfilling, flexible career that brings in a healthy income, and a social life, absolutely you can. And leaving having a child until later is key to that.