Wish someone told me about having kids early!

I had mine at 30 & 35 and yes it was tiring but I don't think I would have been any less tired if I'd had them earlier. I'd have been more resentful at giving up my nights out at a younger age. I wasn't too bothered about going out much once I'd had them

I hear you, @MissEacek - I'm from a similar background and didn't want to have children until I was established in my profession.

I had a partner and he would have liked to have started earlier, but I left it late. Then last year, my professional career ended suddenly.

If I'd gone for having children earlier, they would be heading off to college soon, and I would be further on in my fall-back career.

We take gambles, and sometimes they don't pay off.

I feel some sadness about their quirks and health issues which might be partly down to me having been an older mother. And we would have liked one more, but I was out of time.

Yes I count my blessings, and love the children I have - but I do blame myself for the decisions which were wrong in hindsight.

It is. We had our DC by our mid twenties, in the early 70s, and we hadn’t got great careers. We struggled due to lack of childcare, we lived a long way from our families. A few years at home for me, with DH working away to maximise earnings was tough, and although we did manage to buy a house when the DC were small, we had little to put in it! We stopped at two for financial reasons, it was right for us.

Holidays were visiting family, there were very few luxuries, and although DH needed transport for his work, it was always an old van or car he had to maintain. A big difference between our younger selves and our DC, who were well into careers, and owned nice homes before the DGC were born. They have great holidays, decent cars, cleaners etc.,and the DGC, IMO, are fairly privileged. As we are all living longer, it makes some sense to start a family a bit later.n

DH is really supportive - but that doesn’t change the fact that we are both tired. Also dealing with parental ill health and death at the same time as dealing with a child and teen isn’t great.

I had my first at 37, 39 and 41. Doable if your partner is supportive!

I had kids in my early twenties. Pregnancy was a breeze, I had a ton of energy and I dropped the weight instantly. But I wasn’t very experienced with kids, I didn’t choose a great dad. We were poor and couldn’t do much with them.
17 years later I had another child, the pregnancy was awful, i massively struggled with the tiredness with a newborn. I had no energy, I was grumpy and stressed a lot I constantly worried about ds and I gained 2 stone. But my home situation and partner was much more secure and we were financially stable. Ds has had a lot more opportunities than elder dc have.

it’s swings and roundabouts really

There’s never an ideal time to have children, but personally, I think that if women know they really want children, they should aim to have their first one before turning thirty. Don’t waste time on the boyfriend you know you’re not going to stay with long-term, don’t plan to permanently live in a place where the cost of living means you’ll never be able to afford more than a one-bedroom flat, don’t accommodate the mindset that being 25, 26, 27 is really just being a big teenager who’s “too young” to make adult decisions.

My parents had a lot of infertility problems and didn’t have me, their only child, until they’d been married for ten years. So I grew up with the attitude that children were precious and being a parent was worth pursuing, and that no one can guarantee that they’ll be able to have a baby when they want to have a baby. The latter is something that no one seems to tell teenage girls and young women planning their educations and careers, and I think a lot of them look at examples of women who have babies in their waning years of fertility and figure, hey, I can do that. Except that not everyone can do that.

@MissEacek

Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC

If you're so knackered/exhausted, why on earth would you consider a third child?!! 😱 Especially at almost 40! (Well, you will be almost 40 by the time you have a third child even if you start 'trying' now!)

Don't do it. 2 is enough! Also, they will be grown soon enough.

For me, I was married in my 20s but that didn’t last. Met DH at 30 but was still officially married and both of us had a fair amount of emotional baggage.

And then I had multiple miscarriages.

Eventually had DD at 38. I wish wish wish we’d had her earlier.

Yes, I was older than you (38) when I had DD - and I only have her (recurrent miscarriages both before and after having her).

It is exhausting. Physically and mentally exhausting. I’m not the free and easy person I was when I was younger. I’m tired and that makes me a worse parent.

I really hope that DD doesn’t leave it as late as me!

Demographics say having kids has become a "cap stone event" - something done when everything else in place not as in past along side other things.

Plus career stablity, house buying finding partners ready to have kids are all taking longer each generation to acheive - so parenthood is being pushed later and later.

Then if delay is too long there a point when it's do I want to be a parent doing this till I retire or fertlity declines and it's a non starter or needing interventions like IVF - or realisation will never afford it and have lifestyle they want - so a choice is made.

You've not had kids "old" though, OP. How, realistically could you have had them younger?

We intended to wait until I was about 31 but I got pregnant almost as soon as we got married when I was 28. Can't think how I could have had them earlier, other than in less than ideal circumstances which would have compromised career and finances.

So many people tie themselves in knots on here trying to base the right time to have children based on hypothetical what it's and trying to engineer the perfect situation that's it a wonder people have children at all. According to many on here to have children you need to make sure that;

You're not too young that you give up your youth
You're not too old because it's selfish or you'll have no energy
That you're own parents aren't too old and you'll be the "right age" to care for them
That your children will be the "right age" when it comes to caring for you
That your not too old when your children have children
That you have the right age gap for your children. Not too close together so that you ruin your body but not too far apart they won't get on.
You shouldn't have an only child as they will be "lonely" but you shouldn't have more than two or three children either due to impact on the environment.

The thing is as long as women ovulate (and with the advances in medicine), women will continue to have children at all ages, just as they always have done. There is no right age to have a child. None of us have crystal balls to know about how long we will live or our parents, about the level of care any of us will need or even if your children will have children. Not to mention the other stresses and challenges life throws along the way.

You could have your children in your 20s and then missed out on the freedom of this period of time or have them later and wish you'd had them earlier. It really is swings and roundabouts. My job working in elderly social work has shown me there is no ideal time or scenario that exists. There's people who maybe had them later and their children are now caring for them at a younger age while juggling family and career. Then there is them that had them younger and their children are at retirement age and dealing with their own health problems, ageing parents and supporting their own grandchildren. Neither situation is ideal.

All we can do is deal with the here and now. The most important thing for children is to have parents who are emotionally and financially stable and in stable relationships with our partners to support them and for many of us that comes later than it does for others.

Well it isn't that cut and dried. I left school at 15 with no qualifications, pregnant at 17. Three more over the next 20 years. Got day release from employer for four years, continued part time after that. Good career, retired a few years ago on six figure salary. Did require a good employer and lots and lots of energy.

But it's freedom in your 40s really.

That's an interesting point, why are people leaving it till 38/39 to have kids? Is it about deciding whether or not to have them at all?

If you didn't want kids why would anyone trying to nudge you prior to changing your mind have done anything but piss you off?

There really isn't an ideal time though - just some worse than others 32 not a bad middle ground for trade offs - you could have more if you wanted you have pleanty of time left - you'll have time with current ones before retirement to save but have build up a career and stablity persuably money wise.

My parents were older, 38 and 48 and unfortunately had both died before i was 24, so I didn’t want to be older than 30. My eldest is now early 20’s and I often point out that we don’t want to be old grandparents. Don’t suppose they will listen though!
Theres never a perfect time, you just have to trust life works out how it’s supposed to.

You wouldn't have listened 🙂

There is no perfect time or way to have a child. I think I would like more energy too but if I'd had my daughter younger I wouldn't be half the mum I am and that's the truth. I would most likely have repeated the mistakes of my parents. Not that I'm not making my own - but I'm not repeating someone else's.

A woman I went school with had her two children much younger and now she's in her 40s and doing all the things I don't in my 20s, and I'm doing all the thing she done in hers. I think we're both happy with it.

Mum can I just have, can you buy me, I’ve seen, have you seen:.. 💸

I don’t think a day goes by the 16 year old doesn’t ask for cash or something costly.

Also even exactly the same children might not be as much fun if you are wondering how to pay for the next pack of Pampers and folding the nappy wipes to get maximum use from each one.

Money isn't needed to love your dc, but it definitely makes it less stressful.

See, my own mother keeps doing this to my cousins on our family WhatsApp and she just comes across as nuts hahaha so I think people really just have to figure it out for themselves.

I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this

Why is it up to 'someone' to tell you pretty obvious stuff?

You were an educated adult and made choices which served you well at the time. It's not up to some random 'someone' to 'nudge' you about life choices, and in any case it seems you were happy enough in your professional life.

Pay-offs are a part of life for everyone. (Often) doing one thing means you can't do another. You managed to have a career and to have children too. I would say you've done pretty well for yourself and it seems a bit churlish not to take responsibility for your own choices.

The nudge wouldn’t have helped.

Me too. We were lied to and mugged, weren’t we.

Regarding the kids timing there is never a good time to have them. If you’d had them younger you would never had had any career at all. As someone who has had a career it is extremely frustrating to watch ypu work come to naught while the men just carry on, no doubt laughing at all the lies about equality and men becoming worthwhile equal partners that they told us. But it is extremely hard to start from nothing later on, and probably impossible in most parts of the country where the housing market is broken utterly.

You are struggling with the Motherhood Penalty as we all are. It’s the largest Motherhood Penalty in Europe. There’s never been a good solution to the issues of how to combine modern work and family, and we are certainly not getting it right now.

I haven’t got any good solutions in my back pocket without social / political will to bring real change to this broken economy, just wanted to express solidarity and sympathy. And reconsider having further kids, this is not a time or place for them to make a life.