Wish someone told me about having kids early!

@Anabla but you equally get told to just freeze your eggs, have IVF etc as if those things are actual solutions. And men delay and delay too, most of the men in their 30s in my social circle say that they're not ready for kids yet!

And I haven't really seen these articles/discussions you mention here about fertility until a couple of years ago. Not often anyway. Which is too late for women now in their 30s.

Plus everyone tells you not to have children you can't afford which for most people will only be in their mid 30s.

You're only 36. Keep going. You've got plenty of time.

But you have got it all.

I don't understand people seeing they have been misled about fertility. You only need to open the daily mail to read articles about women who have "left it too late" and it's consistently rammed down our throats about how fertility drops off a cliff at the age of 35 (another myth but that's for another thread probably!).

I don't understand anyone though romanticising about having 14 children! All my grandparents came from families of 11-13 children and it sounds like a miserable existence for all involved. The younger children either had no to little parental involvement and the older ones spent their time bringing up the younger ones. And the parents and the mum especially were knackered from the health toll of 14 pregnancies not to mention the physical aspect of cleaning, cooking and bringing up 14 children. I think I've got a far better deal even though I work full time with 2 children!

YANBU to want to have had children earlier than you have due to enjoying it more than expected and wanting more.

YABU to blame not having them earlier on someone telling you to have them - because in reality who wants to listen to advice they’re not seeking from someone.

I wish my circumstances were different so that I had my child earlier than I did (I was 41). Although I wouldn’t have wanted a child in my 20s - I wasn’t ready in the slightest for that.

I had my children in my mid-20s and though I had lots of energy then, which was beneficial to me and them, it scuppered my career significantly and I missed out on a lot of the fun experiences and travel that my friends did before they had kids. I’m now mid-40s and my DH early 50s and a lot of our friends still have young children, including toddlers and babies. They do look knackered and I am glad it’s not me, but they have the means to pay for help and still go on holidays, etc.. while we still struggle a bit. Pros and cons to each.

DC are super expensive though, most people I know wanted at least 1 monte but finances put them off.

The peak of my desire for more babies was in the three years post partum. I hugely regretted not starting sooner and having at least 6, but I’m quite content with two, now that Mother Nature has eased off on her hormonal campaign of terror.

I don’t think I’d advise dd to start earlier, or try and sway her if she’s not inclined to have dc in her twenties. It’s swings and roundabouts.

I am a bit surprised though that you feel you were misled, because I’m a good decade and a bit older than you op and women of my age, and older, were quite vocal in challenging the prevailing career first wisdom, in light of the fertility drop.

The opportunities to work expanded exponentially as well, because the internet created entrepreneurial opportunities, and part time and flexible time jobs became much more normal. It’s become less of an either or. In my dm’s day, once you started showing on your first, it was the death knell for your career aspirations.

But if you always wanted 14 children, surely simple maths would have told you that you needed to start TTC in your mid 20s at the very latest?

If you only have one, you must have either left it so late that there was never any possibility of having 14, or you didn’t try for any others, which suggests that you only want 14 kids in retrospect but at the time absolutely didn’t.

If you started TTC in your early 30s, which is what we are discussing, you might not have quite managed 14 but you could easily have had 5 or 6. Yes you would have had to have been perma-pregnant, but so would any woman who has 14 kids. You can’t blame “people not telling you” for you having one child not 14!

Demographics say having kids has become a "cap stone event" - something done when everything else in place not as in past along side other things.

The message for years has been don't have dc if you can't afford them etc, the message got through. And parenting is far more intensive so lots of people are like no thanks.

I don't think you have the same freedom once you have dc tbh.

I love my dc but I'm glad I had them in my early 30s. I had the cliche amazing 20s and I really appreciate the spontaneity, lack of responsibility, etc.

Totally agree. I was pushing 40 when DD was born. Even with one I’m absolutely knackered.

I had an amazing time in my 20s and 30s and that’s the one comfort. Aside from that, I should’ve had her when I was 21!

But if you’ve had them earlier your career might have not existed altogether. There’s no way to tell, really.

I don’t know if there’s any scientific explanation behind this but I’m convinced in our mid to late 30s we must go through some sort of baby fever. Even I felt like I wanted another one even though rationally I knew I didn’t. It was overwhelming and I was quite sad, really. Fortunately DP has a baby niece and it brought me to my senses.

Also, having it all is total bullshit. DO IT ALL is more realistic. And that's why you're tired.

It's why I'm tired. And so many mums are tired.

My child is 12 months. I'm fat, in pain, exhausted, make more money than DH, work 50 hours a week, still breastfeeding, and feeling the crushing weight of all responsibilities.

My DH's first 12 months of fatherhood? He's had 2 solo holidays. Ran a marathon. And is about to finish writing a book. And he's actually a much more involved parent than most losers my friends have married.

I had my DC once I was ready to which was age 34 before that I had no interest at all

As I said and others it's swings and roundabouts. Yes if you have them younger you have your freedom in your 40s, but then I'm glad I had my 20s to be totally free with no responsibilities. Even if I had them younger, my freedom in my 40s might have had the stress of adult children or grandchildren!

It's easy to see things might have been easy, or you'd have less health or be less tired if you had them younger but no one knows how things would have turned out or what your children would have been like then.

At the end of the day, women have always had children in their late 30s. And it's always been tiring and exhausting no matter what period of time or age you are. Yes it is tiring working and having children but I look at my great-grandparents who all had 10-11 children and lived in 2 bedroom flats with none of the mod cons or indoor toilets we have (not to mention good health care!) and think how much easier I have it now. Even when my grandparents had my parents, it was hardly a walk in the park. No one seemed to have the family support or grandparents support we take for granted now. Simply everyone was too busy with their own families or too worn out!

Im the opposite… I had my eldest at 24 & 26 and looking back it was so young, I married at 23, now my eldest is nearly 18.

I keep saying to them don’t rush to settle and have kids, focus on your career, travel, socialise, have fun!
I always thought I’d do all this once the kids were grown up, but now having my youngest at 34, I don’t know why I didn’t wait to have them all around this age because by the time they all flee the nest, I’m going to too blimin shattered to do any of it 😂

You really have ‘had it all’ more than most people. I’d be grateful for that. I had my first child at 19. I had no money, a useless 19-year-old boyfriend who left us when DS was 2, never got the chance to establish a decent career for myself or have the experience of going to uni with people my age. Was never able to travel like I dreamed of, even going out for drinks was rarely an option. I did go to uni in my early 30s and got a decent job but it was HARD. I was a single parent and skint for a good 15 years before I started earning enough to not struggle. I’ll never be able to realise my full potential career-wise because I started too late. I also didn’t have 4 kids, because, like most people I know who had kids young, we weren’t ready or in stable relationships or our partners weren’t ready and most of us ended up single parents struggling to get by and unable to even consider the possibility of another child. The few young women I know that married very young then had kids still struggled and didn’t have big families because of this. They were too young to have the earning power needed to live a decent life with a big family in this country. There is a reason people have kids in their 30s - to have a chance at a bit of a life for themselves first and to give their kids a stable upbringing. If you’d had kids in your early 20s you’d be on here moaning about how you never got the chance to have a career. You got both. Be grateful. No one can ‘have it all’. Some people have careers they hate and can’t even have kids

You would have been annoyed if someone had suggested you start a family sooner, given that you were childfree by choice. You have time to have more now if you would like, I will warn you though that teenagers are so expensive, we're just coming up to university costs & it's eye watering! We had our children at 23, 27 & 31. Tbh we had a lot of whispered comments from people who thought we were just reckless & stupid having kids in our 20s, and our kids wouldn't do very well. We're now 41 & a lot of those people have started families in their late 30s/40s, and are learning that being older & doing things "in the right order", doesn't necessarily make you a better parent. Parenting is hard work with small kids whether you are 22 or 42. I've met great first time parents of both 20 & 45. It's lovely that you are loving parenthood so much, just do what's right for your family & don't worry about whether it could've been sooner

I feel the same but it's definitely over for me, you still have time! I'm 40 and just had my second after fertility issues - I'd really love a third but I know it's not rational or even possible now. But like you, I didn't know I would feel this way until they were here - I didn't actually want kids at first! So don't beat yourself up too much x

I think 32 is fairly young....I had my first at 31 and definitely felt I was at the younger end of my friends. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to have children earlier. I spent my 20's building up my career and it felt like a natural point to suspend it when I did.
I've had no issue going back either - but with three there was no way I could do that when they were all small as DH didn't have the sort of job which meant he could divide roles.
Just stick with two if you're finding it hard.

I grew up in a fairly deprived area and many of my school friends had children when they were teenagers. We are mid 40s now and at a recent class reunion meal I discovered several also already have grandchildren. After we had our meal someone suggested going to a cocktail bar and I said I couldn't as I had the school run the next day. A few friends chuckled and said they could barely remember having to do that - their kids are in their 20s now. I did at that point wish I'd had mine younger (I had my first at 34). Not just because of the cocktail bar:) I just kept thinking these young mums are only in their 40s and they have so much freedom whereas I have another 8 years until both mine 18+ and who knows how old I'll be when and if grandchildren arrive? I feel so tired and the return to school and the hamster wheel this week has been incredibly draining.

On the other hand, I know from the stories my friends told me that several struggled enormously with being young parents. They also lived with a lot of financial insecurity that continues to this day. And as another pointed out "Eastie while I was home breastfeeding, you were travelling and building a career" So I can see both sides of the coin.

On balance, I think if it is financially viable and you are in a stable relationship, having a child in your late 20s can be a positive thing but it really depends on your individual set-up.

Well, whatever you do, there's going to be a hard, or bad part to deal with.
It you'd have chosen to have kids earlier, you may well have not progressed to your career that you now have. You may have not had more children because the cost of providing for them whilst working and earning comparatively less just puts you in a cycle that's hard to get out of.

You have made your choices, and by the sounds of it, have a lovely life with lovely kids.

Unfortunately, in the U.K. it doesn’t make economic sense to have children in your 20s. There aren’t many 20 somethings with their own home, a good career with maternity package and a decent supportive partner.

Yes you can wing it, but is it the best option? I’m not sure (said as the child of a teen mum; the insecurity was crap growing up and opportunities were limited).