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Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/09/2025 22:15

Bathingforest · 03/09/2025 17:33

Hi honey. From a grandma. Not sure what is chain smocking but living in a 1 bed even cluttered flat isn't a sin , evil or crime. Little street thugs can appear in your vicinity also, including pit bullies, shepherd dogs or people selling drugs.

Your case isn't fully formed. The mother is using her custody rights. So far your child hasn't been abused or neglected?

I don't agree with smoking, do you have proofs the grandma just indeed smokes indoors ??

You should go to court if you have concerns....

Have you read his posts?

The child is being handed over to grandma

It's a one-bedroomed flat and the child gets the sofa

That isn't right

LemondrizzleShark · 03/09/2025 22:14

There are some people on here with very poor reading comprehension.

The mum is not going to be living with the grandmother too. She will still be living in her own lovely two bedroom flat by herself.

The daughter is going to be living with the grandmother, permanently, on the nights when the mum is not working as well as on the nights when she is working. So, on nights when the mum is not working, mum will go home to her own flat, which has a bedroom for her daughter, but will leave her daughter sleeping on a sofa with her grandmother.

The mum has said she will “visit” her daughter when she has time. Not every day. She still won’t be parenting her on the days she is not at work.

OP has offered to have his daughter on nights when the mum is working - she has turned this down.

How anyone can defend this is beyond me.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 22:09

@babyproblems it is only against the law in enclosed vehicles.

ZingyLemonMoose · 03/09/2025 22:07

YABU to think it’ll take a good lawyer to make a court see that removing her mother from her is the correct decision. She can parent how she likes on her time, mind your own business.

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine · 03/09/2025 22:06

IBEAN · 03/09/2025 14:12

I see a different side to you in this reply, not the supplicant any more. Again, why can't you just pay her and also let your daughter stay an extra couple of nights with you, especially as it is possibly only temporary. I think mediation is needed here, there are clearly two sides to this story.

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There’s one person that’s showing their true nature in this conversation, and it’s not the OP.

babyproblems · 03/09/2025 22:04

I thought smoking in an enclosed space with minors was illegal now. Have I dreamt this???

my main concern would be the smoking. In your shoes I’d probably seek legal advice. She won’t be working all the time but I’d probably seek some advice about what if anything I could do to help reduce the risk of being in the flat with the smoking.

SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine · 03/09/2025 22:02

SisSuffragette · 03/09/2025 13:59

Alligators?!

🤦‍♀️

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 21:59

Andouillette · 03/09/2025 21:55

I think you have a very vivid imagination and (I hope I'm wrong) some issues of your own.

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You have an inability to read into a post which has clear red flags. I hope i'm wrong that this also applies to your own life 🥰

MissRaspberry · 03/09/2025 21:57

BlueMilkshake · 03/09/2025 19:13

Perhaps the mother is helping to look after her mother too, who may have some health issues.

3 people living together, is probably cheaper than living separately

OP has already stated that his daughter's mum is sending the daughter to live with grandma and that she will visit the child on her days off work/"her" days and that dad will continue to have his child as per their original arrangements. So mum will not have the child living with her at all. I think the dad is right to go down the route of gaining primary custody of his child considering his ex will no longer have their daughter living with her at all. Regardless of the state of Grandma's flat surely he has more rights to have the daughter live within his family home than what the grandma does. Mum is selfish making the daughter live somewhere she doesn't want to be with no proper bed or space for herself when she has a perfectly good bedroom at her dads

Andouillette · 03/09/2025 21:55

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 20:59

I think that she is a woman pushed to the brink by the op

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I think you have a very vivid imagination and (I hope I'm wrong) some issues of your own.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:54

Sally2791 · 03/09/2025 21:52

OP please get legal advice, no way should she be on a sofa breathing in smoke and not wanting to be there when you can care for her

Definitely

Sally2791 · 03/09/2025 21:52

OP please get legal advice, no way should she be on a sofa breathing in smoke and not wanting to be there when you can care for her

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 21:52

I wonder how different the responses would be if this was a mum wanting advice on her ex leaving their daughter at her grandpa's place full time, where the kid slept on the sofa in a smoke-filled room

I am sure that many men do leave their dd with their mother, the child’s grandmother ( no one is talking about a grandfather here) to look after while they go to work on a night shift; and that among those grandmothers some would be smokers.

All over the world
grandmothers are helping their children work.

mindutopia · 03/09/2025 21:50

Yes, your daughter should live with her parents, as long as they are able to care for her. It sounds like her mum is choosing not to. No child should be living in a smoke filled flat where she doesn’t have a private sleeping space and is stuck on the sofa like an unexpected guest. I would be getting legal advice and going to court to have her contact schedule changed, so that she lives with you whenever her mum is working and is with her mum on her days off (or FT with you if your ex really doesn’t want her at all).

Gingerkittykat · 03/09/2025 21:46

There's nothing stopping you from removing your child from her grandmother's when she stays there.

InMyShowgirlEra · 03/09/2025 21:42

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 20:16

@InMyShowgirlEra Just put a bed in granny's flat rather than take her away from her mum/grandma.

I really hope you didn't teach reading comprehension.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:39

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 19:35

Yes, after 7 years it really should be the last resort. I think the OP should try to simply keep offering in a friendly non-judgemental, non- threatening way to help out in anyway he can by taking dd whenever that would help.

Or help buy grandmother an extra bed and chest of drawers and a new sofa.

The old Sun vs Wind method.

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No where a child's health is so compromised, its a no brainer. She shouldn't be going to the grandmother. She could get cancer from pass ive smoking for God's sake.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:24

Elphamouche · 03/09/2025 21:24

YANBU. You’re fully in the right here!

Yes

Elphamouche · 03/09/2025 21:24

YANBU. You’re fully in the right here!

Namechangerage · 03/09/2025 21:23

mummysmagicmedicine · 03/09/2025 15:38

YANBU at all. If it was the same situation and the other way round and this was all happening at dads house, people would immediately tell the mum to stop DD going there.

This. Imagine her dad was sending her to her chain-smoking grandpa’s flat to sleep on a smoke-riddled sofa and live out of a bag? It makes me cringe thinking of it, having lived in a 60 fags per day house 🤢

TroysMammy · 03/09/2025 21:17

Noname973 · 03/09/2025 13:44

How old is your DD and what does she want?

My ex and I have always offered the time back to the other parent, with the understanding it’s our to sort should they not be able to.

Second paragraph in opening post.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2025 21:10

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 20:06

If it came to going to court, if mediation hadn’t helped, when you go to court for something like this, the parents involved make statements on paper with the help of a lawyer, and then a barrister can speak for them. The judge would also possibly see a social services report.

The OP could afford a lawyer and barrister.

His ex wife who works in care probably wouldn’t find speaking in public under these conditions at all easy either. And it doesn’t sound as though she’d be able to afford a lawyer and barrister. I wonder if she would be eligible for legal aid?

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Legal aid is very difficult to get these days. At.least it was 8 years ago when I was working in a job that had to deal with things like that from time to time.. Only the most specific/ extreme ( don't really know what word to use) cases got help..

OneCleverEagle · 03/09/2025 21:09

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 03/09/2025 21:02

You need to engage a shit hot family lawyer immediately OP

I think the case is so clear cut that even a very average family lawyer would be quite sufficient.

Darkdiamond · 03/09/2025 21:07

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 20:59

I think that she is a woman pushed to the brink by the op

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Pushed to the brink by a capable, loving co-parent who sends her £250 a week that he doesn't have to. Right.

LemondrizzleShark · 03/09/2025 21:06

mumofoneAloneandwell · 03/09/2025 20:59

I think that she is a woman pushed to the brink by the op

Show quote history

Pushed to the brink of not wanting her child to live in the same house as her? Hmm

New boyfriend seems more likely

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