Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

If you were trying to show that the reasons for not supporting OP are not entirely because of anti-man bias (which is also anti-woman, to assume that women are designed to be caregivers, fyi) you harpooned it with your bizarre assertion that grandfathers are not equal to grandmothers.

This is a forum for adults where people use adult vocabulary.

If you're struggling, your options are to look the word up so you know what it means, or alternatively go and watch CBeebies which will be easier for you to understand.

Many people answering the thread seem to have this idea in mind from the OP’s posts: after 7 amicable years the mother suddenly does not want her daughter anymore during her 50% time, so has decided to dump her on her own chain smoking mother in a one bedroom slum where the little girl will sleep on a dirty sofa and keep her clothes in a bag, while she, the mother, lives in her own nice two bedroom flat while doing night shifts, raking it in getting higher night-pay, continuing to get UC, and possibly £1000 per month from ex, while refusing to let sweet ex, who is a wonder-dad, from taking dd on full time (and even allowing mum to come and go freely to visit when she can) , and giving DD everything in the way of a lovely home, a loving stepmother working at home, and a stepsister - even though the dd herself is begging to stay with dad instead of at the grandmother’s foul place.

To me though it just feels that something is missing and doesn’t quite make sense:

Rich, loving, comfortable wonder-world vs careless, care-free, uninterested, money-grubbing mother, her old chain smoking filthy-habited grandmother, and slavering vicious dogs wandering around outside.

If this picture is altogether the whole picture, I apologise.

@ClairDeLaLune a grandfather is not the equivalent to a grandmother.

No, we don't think she's clever.

Just using a normal word doesn't make you clever. And if you don't understand something, look it up

That's always worked for me

The mother should have thought of that then, shouldn't she?

Oh my God the bias against men on Mumsnet is off the scale on this thread! Imagine if a father with 50% custody was palming his daughter off to the child’s chain-smoking grandfather where she didn’t have her own room and slept on a sofa? You would be 100% NOT unreasonable. But because it’s her mum doing this it’s a reasonable childcare arrangement. It is not.

No advice here I’m afraid OP, other than you sound like a great father and I support you wholeheartedly.

If your daughter turns up at school stinking of stale cigarettes and generally more dishevelled than before, the school will likely start raising concerns themselves. In any event, as a responsible parent, you should inform the school about the child’s change of circumstances and ask them to keep an eye out for any changes in mood, behaviour, learning, etc.

Do you say that because you think sleeping on a sofa in a chainsmokers’ flat is acceptable?

I agree. Extrapolate is a commonly used word. A basic part of most people's vocabulary I would have thought.

I had to Google what Interpolate means. 🤣

Quite. ‘Interpolate’ isn’t used anything like as often as ‘extrapolate’. No copulating way.

I don’t think he comes over as insane, he’s concerned for his child’s welfare. A bit judgmental though to be fair. Some of the replies are bonkers. Other children survive sleeping on sofas type, so if you meet the lowest stsndard of care that it’s fine. Surely we all aspire for our children to hsve best lives possible?

I share custody of my dc and my expectation is that the other parent provides a decent standard of care, not a it’s probably not bad enough for a SS review.

The judgy and insane op

Agree. Who doesn't know what extrapolate means.
Now if the word was interpolate, I could understand the confusion. It really isn't used very often.

…it’s not that uncommon a word..er…you no.

@Emmafuller79 dont be afraid of words Emma. They don’t belong to one type of a person and not another, anyone can use them. Don’t be scared to use Google, look it up and use it yourself. No need to restrict yourself. @SoManyIdiotsSoLittleWine

You’re not smelling a rat, you’re projecting your own experience onto OP, and your bias because he’s a man is glaringly obvious in your previous post.

OP has 50/50 custody of his DD and isn’t obliged to pay maintenance. Yet he pays £1000 a month, so that will go a long way to paying the rent. This isn’t about your own, or any other posters’ experience, it’s about OP. We only ever get one side of a story on MN and if we start making things up to fill in the gaps we end up with unfounded and unfair bias. I’m curious. If this were a woman posting the same about an ex husband would you still be smelling a rat ?

The poster has form for this on other threads. Completely misunderstands the issues and derails threads arguing the toss.

Agree. So many posters missing the fact that this is a permanent arrangement - even though OP has clearly said that his ex doesn’t want the child moving between three homes, so has moved her in permanently with the grandmother. He’s also said that the child smells of smoke when she comes to stay with him. It’s clear that the child is unhappy, and as you say, she’s eight. Old enough to have some say in what happens to her.

You have your wires crossed. This is not the OP, this is someone completely different who you are talking to.
Clearly you need remedial lessons in comprehension as well as spelling.

G'ma is not caring for child while mum is at work. G'ma is caring for child the whole of the mum's time with the child. Mum just visits.

I’m trying to be kind here because no-one likes to be corrected, but, if you have a look back at the spelling and grammar in your own posts l think you’ll find that you’re setting yourself up for a very hard time here if you start criticising how other posters write. Extrapolate is quite a common word and google is your friend.

I wouldnt let her go.
Tell your ex that she'll be with you full time until she has suitable arrangements for her and that she's welcome to visit her in your home. Let her get a court order for access if she wants.

Well that's the thing you see, it's not just whilst she is working, she doesn't work 7 days in a row. She's given the DD to Gran permantly!
And what a ridiculous statement saying how does OP know what house is like and how do they do they know DD doesn't have a bed, I actually can't believe anyone has said that 🙄
Clue: DD is 8

DD won’t be going to her mum’s though - that’s the point. OP and his ex have 50/50 custody and he has PR. Of course his ex can make child care arrangements, but if you read the OP’s updates you’ll see this is not what’s happening. His ex doesn’t want DD split between three homes so she has given permanent custody to the childs’ grandmother. It isn’t just overnight stays, it’s now her permanent home with no room of her own and no bed. And the child hates it.

OP has every right to object to this and without a proper court arrangement giving the grandmother custody OP can simply refuse to hand DD over and go through the courts to challenge his ex and ask for sole custody. DD is of an age where she will have some say in what happens. To say what happens on his ex’s watch is none of his business is not correct - especially if it’s having a detrimental effect on DD, which this clearly is.

I loathe my ex quote a lot and the feeling is mutual but we are civil and communicate as needed. It doesn't have to be a choice between screaming and yelling and accepting an appalling situation to keep the peace.