Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

@InMyShowgirlEra Yeah, thought so. Not in the same position as the single mum here. Assuming you and your husband are both in ft work so financially bringing in.
We don't live in a flat btw.
I wonder what would haplwn if the "lovely" OP Dad stopped giving the ex £1000 pm. Think about it... how might her housing situation change for her?

It is definitely not ok for your child in be growing up in a chain smoking environment.

If I were you, this is what I would do:

Send ex an message that you are not happy with your daughter spending time and sleeping in the home of a smoker because of the danger to health of second hand smoke. Mention that your daughter comes home and her clothes stink of smoke. Ask her if she would go and be a carer when her own clothes stink of smoke?

Ask her to let her daughter have a bedroom in her own home, and if grandma needs to babysit, then its in her house ,and grandma does not smoke in that house.

When your daughter returns home, take her clothes and seal them in a bag.

Ask your daughter if she likes her grandma smoking in front of her and document it.

If it were me, I would apply to court and get social services involved, and apply for full custody. This is to protect her health.
The irony is your ex is out there working as a carer (free from smoke) and your child is exposed to second hand smoke which is even worst.

If this were my child, I would not be happy about this new arrangement- sleeping on a sofa in a chain smoker's flat (the rest isn't great but it's circumstantial...). Especially if the child herself is unhappy. I'd keep trying to negotiate with your ex, making sure you agreed that any change of plan could always be reversed, seeing if you could at least reduce the time at grandma's. Try and come at the issue as a way to help your ex and your daughter, not in a confrontational way. I would really not be happy with the current arrangement. I would seek specialist legal advice if nothing changed and your daughter remains unhappy. I don't see that your autism would be a factor in any of this. It doesn't prevent you from seeing the situation clearly and wanting better for DD.

You laugh @everychildmatters … a lot

I have privately rented alone and with a partner and I am now married.

DD and SD have shared a room but never a bed, and we worked as quickly as we could to cut our outgoings and increase our income in order to give them both their own rooms as I don't think 2 children 10 years apart should be sharing long term.

Why you would choose a flat with one unusually large bedroom instead of 2 smaller rooms is beyond me but it will be addressed if your tween or teen one day complains at school that she has no private space of her own.

I'm not continuing to argue with you or engage with your attempts to justify your pitifully low standards for parenting.

@InMyShowgirlEra Slight flaw to your argument...if I was in a massive house why the heck would we have our 5 yo daughter in with us?!!! 😆
May I ask what you mean exactly by "own space?" Were your daughter and stepdaughter sharing a room? You say "our kids" so I assume you are with a partner? So not privately renting on your own then?

Applause. All of this.

1. If you live in a massive house big enough to have an extra bed in the bedroom and think everyone else does, you're the one that's out of touch.
2. I was not the one who brought up the Hemnes, PP was, and this bed can be obtained much cheaper second hand on facebook marketplace- I paid £150 for the one we have.
3. I rented for years. Our kids (daughter and stepdaughter) always had their own bed and own space, even when I had no money for clothes and luxuries. That's what parents have to do.
4. I live in an ex-council house. The fact you think the term council flat is classist shows your own prejudices and snobbishness.
5. It's not classist to call out shit parenting. Plenty of middle to upper class parents are shit, plenty of working class parents are great. The mother described by OP is a shit parent.

@InMyShowgirlEra I've never lived in social housing as I've always been able to afford to rent privately on my salary. Our bedroom is massive so my little one has a single next to our king.
A £499 bed is not an "essential'... tell me you're wealthy without telling me you're wealthy!
You can by an adequate single bed for a huge amount less.
Also, any idea how much privately renting actually costs these days? I don't think you do if you think a single person doing a ft job (possibly min wage) plus £1000 is going to necessarily cover that, food, bills, clothing etc. Have you ever rented before?
My husband and I both work ft and privately rent (no choice), so we know the costs involved.
Please don't refer to social housing as a "council flat" either. It reeks of classism.

Yeh well if you can't afford a bed for your child on a full time job and £1000 a month in maintenance, then you should let them live with the parent who can manage their money to provide basic essentials.

Sleeping on a sofa is NOT acceptable for an 8 yo child half of the time and if you let your child sleep on a sofa when there's another option, you're a bad parent.

Idk what kind of council flat bedrooms you're used to where you can just fit an extra bed in. Most of them only just fit one bed.

Are we talking about the Hemnes bed that costs £499?!!! That's expensive and certainly not everyone can afford that sort of money. I certainly couldn't have when we first left my ex-husband and moved into rented. For weeks we bed-shared until I could afford bunks.

@InMyShowgirlEra Eh?! I'm sure @ScrollingLeaves did say about a sofabed for the granddaughter or getting her a bed?

A HEMNES bed frame fits a full European single mattress- i.e. bigger than a UK single! It's a bed which can be used as a (very uncomfortable) sofa, not a sofa that can be used as a bed. It also has large drawers which would be enough room to store at least the basics in terms of toys and clothes.

If her Grandma really loved her, she'd give her bed to the child and go outside to smoke.

I'm wondering if you force your children to sleep on a sofa whilst you have a bedroom and a bed, and smoke around them, because otherwise I cannot see why or how you're defending this.

Not if he doesn’t know. And as I’ve pointed out a few times it may not be anything to do with a new man. The ex works as a carer. If she has sussed out a job on which she works full 12 hour night shifts - what are called waking shifts - she can earn a lot of money. My DiL did this over six nights a week and was earning in excess of £1000 a week. It’s exhausting and not sustainable for very long, but it can be lucrative.

Can you point out where OP says it’s two nights a week that mum works ? Because in every update he has actually said that mum has relinquished care to the childs’ grandmother full time - for the whole of the time mum is supposed to have her. Nowhere is is mentioned that it’s only two nights. I do wish people would stop making things up to suit their narrative.

@OneCleverEagle Well at least the OP will be able to answer the questions I have raised quite easily.

Likely that ex hasn't told him

@steff13 Likely the OP would have mentioned a new bf.

Actually she can’t - has been explained several times. Ex has handed over DD to the grandmother to parent full time on ex’s contact time. Ex has been clear about this. There is no court order giving grandma custody so OP is within his rights to not hand over his DD to grandma and either wait for ex to take him to court to challenge it, or do it himself. His DD, his business.

Exactly, can’t believe the poster didn’t feel embarrassed

Where did he say that they owned a house prior to the split? Where did he say that she needed to take a night job because she couldn't afford her rent? Those are both assumptions that you've made with no evidence.

PP are surmising that this may be the trigger for OP’s ex’s change in behaviour and decision to move her DD into the grandmothers FT during her 50% share of her DD’s time/care. OP does not state or hint it, but it would not be surprising, would it?

@OneCleverEagle Where did OP say mum has a new bf? I must've missed that bit.

New BF who didn't want DD in the way?

Lots can change? 7 years is not even half a child’s lifetime.

Maternal burnout can happen to any mother (stats suggest 1/20 mothers - ie 5% - chose to leave their families). My mother regularly abandoned my sisters and I during our childhoods from the age of 4 to 15. Sometimes just for a weekend, but often for a fortnight. Always involved a date and a man. She’d have happily walked out permanently if a better offer came along and I’ve, sadly, met many people over the course of my lifetime with similar experiences. Whether it’s because they feel unsupported, have mental health issues and/or just resent their kids/lives and want an out, many women DO do it. All it took was for my mother was a man in a shiny new jag to turn her head, as she was always chasing the money…