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Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
Catladyof7 · 03/09/2025 14:52

This reply has been deleted

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

ibe · 03/09/2025 14:52

Luxio · 03/09/2025 13:28

I'm going to be honest I stopped reading when you started talking about alligators. Hmm

This! Grin

mamagogo1 · 03/09/2025 14:52

You certainly can go to court but can I recommend mediation first - also perhaps crucially take money off the table, she might be willing to let her be with you on all her working nights if you aren’t then going to go through cms for maintenance, it’s one of the reasons people want 50/50 alas. If you’re not too far apart geographically, can she spend time with her mum after school before dropping her back to you?

Imbusytodaysorry · 03/09/2025 14:51

@Neil90 paying your ex when you don’t “need “ to is where lines will be blurred .
£1k a month for a kid who lives with you half the time and now lives with her grandparent in a 1bed house . Of course your ex won’t want to give up that income . She will be using the cash to pay her mother to have the child .

No bedroom and chain smoking . Child wants to live with you and mother has already said daughter doesn’t live at home anymore .
Id be consulting a solicitor telling him /her you plan to keep daughter when you next have her and he has to support you through court to keep her.
Pay the money and keep things ticking over u ntll you have seen your solicitor .Then keep your daughter and stop payment .
Let your ex fight to have daughter back.

I would be thinking a little differently if daughter was at grandmas just 4 nights a week at bed time when mum went to work and mum then came back and put daughter to school before getting sleep.
Id say it’s nothing to do with you .
(except the smoking and no bedroom ) you have a case for that in itself .

What has really happened is very different and Id be taking full custody on good grounds .

NewAtThisSingleStuff · 03/09/2025 14:50

FilthyforFirth · 03/09/2025 14:35

How is it all about money when there has never been any need for him to pay since custody is 50/50? Honestly the mental gymanstics some will do to absolve mums of any blame is wild. Some men are good dads and some women are terrible mums shocker.

Show quote history

Because if you agree to pay child maintenance, it is (officially, not by my definition) not based on what the other parent does - it doesn't give you any control over their life or decisions. I appreciate this payment is not through official channels, but that is the principle.

And mentioning it every time you moan about the other parent doesn't help.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:50

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

I note you presume it is just you who would feel pressure in court, but most likely your ex wife would feel this just as much if not more.

You also seem to take line that your DD’s relationship with her grandmother is neither here nor there. They may be very close.

The best thing is just to stop being accusing and just be welcoming and non-adversarial: just emphasise that you would be happy to help by taking your dd anytime they want.

Franpie · 03/09/2025 14:50

I would focus on your DD not having her own bedroom for the time she is not at yours. That is what the courts will focus on. A child of 8 should have a bed.

GypsyQueeen · 03/09/2025 14:49

nomas · 03/09/2025 14:46

If you're a solicitor, I will eat my hat.

You lack basic knowledge.

Show quote history

💯
The woman is an idiot!!!!

middlesqueezed · 03/09/2025 14:49

Please resolve this amicably with your ex, maybe with mediation, if you possibly can.
Otherwise, you need proper legal advice on this. You could potentially go down a legal path that would end up with you having your daughter living with you permanently, but be warned it would be a long, expensive and stressful journey.

TKFrauling · 03/09/2025 14:47

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 03/09/2025 13:29

I think Alligators is an autocorrect for Alsations.

Thank you! That makes more sense now.

OneCleverEagle · 03/09/2025 14:46

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It's entirely credible if ex has a new BF who doesn't want DD around.

nomas · 03/09/2025 14:46

This reply has been deleted

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If you're a solicitor, I will eat my hat.

You lack basic knowledge.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/09/2025 14:45

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:40

A smart home with a non smoking person in it is not automatically better than a messy ill -furnished one with a smoking grandmother.

Show quote history

No but having a bed to sleep in is essential.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 03/09/2025 14:45

I am fanatic about smoking around children. It’s a selfish and disgusting thing to do. My mother smoked 40 a day when I was a child and I have all sorts of health problems. So I agree with you it’s not ideal for your daughter at all. If she’s not having her at her house then what’s the point of 50/50 custody?

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 14:44

For those wondering why I paid £250pw, I do it so that my daughter can have the same quality of life at her mother's as she does mine, myself and my wife each have our own businesses and make decent money, ex worked as a daytime carer, whilst also receiving benefits and help towards rent and my £1000pm so was not short on cash, i also pay for all school uniforms, trips, clubs etc so there's no reason for her to randomly decide to work nights and dump daughter with her mum

OP posts:
IBEAN · 03/09/2025 14:44

heroinechic · 03/09/2025 14:40

In fact, do you have parental responsibility? If so, I would just refuse to return DD to the grandmother‘s flat. If you have PR and there is no court order in place you would not be breaking any laws. I would invite her mother to visit her at your house.

If DH and I separated and he wanted our children to spend 50% of their time in a dirty smoke filled flat sleeping on a sofa and living out of a bag there’s not a chance I’d let them go. Especially if they hated it there. I’d sooner let him take me to court.

Please do not give legal advice here, you are not qualified to do so. You have no idea what it could result in.

GypsyQueeen · 03/09/2025 14:44

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:36

My most wonderful grandmother smoked.

And I assume your parents were happy for you to be around her when she smoked?

The OP is not.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2025 14:43

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:40

German shepard dogs not alligators

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Don't try to backtrack now.

We need pics.

IBEAN · 03/09/2025 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 14:42

@heroinechicthis crossed my mind but I just didn't want to do anything that would make me look bad in court

OP posts:
heroinechic · 03/09/2025 14:40

In fact, do you have parental responsibility? If so, I would just refuse to return DD to the grandmother‘s flat. If you have PR and there is no court order in place you would not be breaking any laws. I would invite her mother to visit her at your house.

If DH and I separated and he wanted our children to spend 50% of their time in a dirty smoke filled flat sleeping on a sofa and living out of a bag there’s not a chance I’d let them go. Especially if they hated it there. I’d sooner let him take me to court.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 03/09/2025 14:40

IBEAN · 03/09/2025 14:32

As I suspected, this is all about money.

Show quote history

@IBEAN
The OP pays his ex £1000 per month that he does not have to pay. He is saying he won't be paying his ex the money if she is not going to have his DD living with her as she is now living 50% at the ex's mothers house.
For all your pontifical words - you seem unable to process very simple basic English.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:40

heroinechic · 03/09/2025 14:34

Get to court for a child arrangement order. Your daughter is sleeping on a sofa, living out of a bag, in a smokers flat for 50% of the time. This is not appropriate housing. It’s neglect.

If her mother cannot provide care for her during her 50%, your DD should be in a home where she is well cared for.

A smart home with a non smoking person in it is not automatically better than a messy ill -furnished one with a smoking grandmother.

FilthyforFirth · 03/09/2025 14:38

Easyozy · 03/09/2025 14:37

Well it certainly sounds like your DD is best off living with you. If there is no court order in place then just move her in and tell her mum she's living with you. If she's not happy she'll have to go to court and I can't imagine any court thinking sleeping on a sofa in a smoke filled flat would be to your dd's benefit.
Odd choice for her mother to make given you've said you're flexible and she presumably doesn't work every night.

I actually agree with this. Simply dont give her back. Let your ex take you to court. Someone needs to put that poor girl first.

Original poster
Neil90 · 03/09/2025 14:38

@everychildmattersI work around my daughter, im my own boss so can be flexible and my wife is a home Baker so she's home most days

OP posts: