Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

@Neil90 you've had to explain yourself over and over!

I do not believe people would have such a problem if you were the Mum.

Your DD has 2 parents, only one of which is looking after her.

The ex already doesn't have her DD at all so it's probably your money she wants to keep, and I agree you should stop sending it as it's purpose was so she could have the same lifestyle at both houses and she clearly does not.

I cannot believe people are sticking up for the Mum over an innocent 8 year old child been stuck inhaling second hand smoke and sleeping on a sofa and not a bed!! WTF.

This child has no bed. This child isn;t happy staying there 50% of the time. The mum happily takes the benefits of being a 'single parent', along with OPs money, but is only visiting her.

Maybe some of you should look at why you hate men so much...or perhaps it's because you also make your young kids sleep on a sofa and inhale your smoke.

Absolute craziness on here sometimes.

Because some fathers are men who want to provide more for their children if they are higher earners than the other parent. I think its very refreshing to hear!

Your DD should be with you. I am of course speculating but I would think that her mum offloading her on granny for her week is going to make her feel pretty shit - even if she doesn't realise it.

It will be important for your DD to know her mum does love her, but that her living with you full time just makes more sense right now. No one is trying to get rid of her (Even if it sounds like mum is)

signed - a girl who was posted around

This doesn’t sound good for your daughter at all. You know that. An 8 yr old shouldn’t be stuck in a smokey living room couch when there is a better option.

Keep any messages from ex stating that dd is no longer going to be at her house but always at her gran’s for her 50% and use the £1k a month you were paying ex to engage with a solicitor instead

Texts are admissible within the Family Court

ftr, i've reported some of the shockingly obnoxious behaviour on the thread.

Definitely 'not in the spirit' of the supportive environment this is meant to be.

There's a few posters who ought to be fucking ashamed of themselves.

It really isn’t. Especially a filthy smoked filled sofa. Maybe okay for a night or two in an emergency, but certainly not for 50% of the time.

Oh come on. It's obvious 🙄

As ever, if this was a mum saying that the dad was palming off the daughter on the grandmother pretty much fulltime, we'd all be saying he was bang out of order.

Hear hear. I get so tired of people derailing threads because of 'hilarious' typos. I sometimes think people on here are a bit mentally challenged. Some of them certainly seem exceptionally easily amused.

I think you sounds like a good parent with legitimate concerns. I would seek the advice of a family law lawyer as the mother no longer has your daughter staying with her at all, and your daughter will be spending 50% of the time in a flat with no room of her own or a proper bed. That sounds unsustainable, and not in her best interests at all.
Could the mother do her "occassional visits" at your place if you had your daughter fulltime? Are you on friendly enough terms for that?

(And I dare say that if it was the mother posting a similar scenario where the father handed over care of the child to his parent for all of his 50%, the sexist comments would not feature at all in the same way).

Also: LOVE the autocorrect to "alligators" - happens to the best of us, but at least it was a great one!

If there is not formal court arrangement, i would refuse to give her back, and i would contact Social Services and report exactly why.

make sure you have in writing, evidence of the fact the child is now living with her grandmother in her mothers 50% residence time.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You seem to have your DD's wellbeing at the top of the priority list. Ignore posters baiting you, they might have their own bone to chew.

I'd contact a lawyer and get some information. Since money is not an issue, you could just have a consultation to know your options and take it from there. At the very least, you'll be able to speak with your ex fully informed.

I was partially raised by grandparents and it has left me scarred. They were lovely but the feeling of parental abandonment has impacted my adult life more than I realised. Parents visited here and there but I never fully understood why I wasn't living with them in my early years. Unless your ex is also moving to her mother's, it will be hurtful for your DD to see her mum visit and then leave for what used to be their home.

There's more to this that you don't know. Maybe ex is saving for a bigger purchase, went into debt, wants to rent part of the house, have surgery, etc. She's definitely taking your contribution for granted and as a permanent arrangement. Your DD is not going to see much of that nevertheless if food, sleep and general entertainment is going to be provided by the grandmother anyway. I'd contact a lawyer and stop payments. I don't know the law well enough but I would assume that there are accomodations in place for neurodivergent people. Don't let that stop you from enquiring, they can also put your mind at ease with that.

Stop sending the money till this is solved. You need to play hardball.

You’ve had some horrible posts on here OP but I guess you expected that … it is Mumsnet and there are some very vindictive posters on here towards men.
I hope you’ve received helpful advice too and that things works out for you and your daughter.
I can’t believe that almost ten pages in and people are still whingeing on about your obvious auto correct for Alsatian’s.

There is no such thing as custody plus finances and contact are kept separate from each other, finacces won't be brought in to it at all for residency cases and arrangement orders. The Mum also still has PR, highly unlikely he would get 7 nights and that that she wouldn't accept nights at her home on her nights off in front of a judge. Have you been through court at all? It takes ages to get though and a lot can change over the months it takes.

I'm perplexed by people defending this. There is an 8 year old girl who is now living between 3 spaces, one of which she does not even have her own bedroom or space to store her toys. It gives her no sense of home or permanency. It's not in her best interests. One night on the sofa is fine, 50% of the time is not. It's not about whether it's comfortable. It's about a child feeling secure in their surroundings.

Also do people really want their child inhaling second hand smoke 50% of the time???

What are you on about? The OPs partner will come out of this much worse if a formal route is pursued as she isn’t entitled to anything. Money grabbing women piss me off.

The only aggressive one is you. Solicitor my arse.

True, but I think OP is being quite restrained, I would have lost my patience with some of these posters ages ago.

I kind of really hope it’s alligators….

Oh l wish l’d said that !! 😂

But that would entail grandmother living permanently at the mothers’ house. If mum is working night shifts she will be sleeping during the day, so it doesn’t sound as though she is providing much, if any care at all.

😂

Sounds more like the mother has handed over her rôle as parent to her own mother, if the child is living at her grandma’s full time.
Surely OP’s autism wouldn’t trump that development, in the view of a court….would it?