Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

You're wrong actually. If he has parental rights and no court order, he can actually keep his daughter rather than return her to her grandmother's care. Her mum isn't caring for her anymore, her grandmother is.

Why is he afraid of the court? Why would he fold under the pressure of a good lawyer if this all true and is so detrimental for DD? Autism in itself wouldn’t be against him.

No. He seems perfectly capable of holding his own on this thread.

Honestly, you seem like a good Dad who could provide a better life for your daughter. Living in the condition you’ve outlined is awful for a child. I’d apply to the courts for full time residence of your child. You could have a responsible adult to help you through the process with you being autistic.

You can't decide not to let your daughter go to her mum's.

It's her mum's time, and she can make whatever arrangements she likes for her child. It's none of your business.

OP you should definitely get a good solicitor who can help you. Tell rhem your fears about the autism. Go to court.

Op, me and my brothers lived with my mum in a dirty, cramped, smoke filled house Monday to Friday. Then my dads at the weekend. We all absolutely HATED it. I still remember the shame one Monday morning of the kids all smelling each others freshly washed jumpers and smelling mine and saying urgh smoke. We all left as soon as we could to stay with my dad from 14 - 16.

Id speak to a family solicitor as your first port of call. You could also consider calling social work to ask them if this is an acceptable living situation. A child having to sleep on a couch isn't ideal and they should have their own private, safe sleeping space.

I’d go down the court route, regardless of what other posters think this is pretty miserable for your daughter.

If you win great, otherwise well you tried

I think that's disingenuous. It's perfectly possible that both the scenarios are as he described and absolutely that people would be nervous to face a lawyer in court if they know that interpretation of language and implied meaning is not their strong point. We really can only ever take an OP at face value. This is not a court.

Which is why he should go to a solicitor and we should keep out of it.

Please don't discuss autism when you obviously know nothing about the condition.

Hi honey. From a grandma. Not sure what is chain smocking but living in a 1 bed even cluttered flat isn't a sin , evil or crime. Little street thugs can appear in your vicinity also, including pit bullies, shepherd dogs or people selling drugs.

Your case isn't fully formed. The mother is using her custody rights. So far your child hasn't been abused or neglected?

I don't agree with smoking, do you have proofs the grandma just indeed smokes indoors ??

You should go to court if you have concerns....

Agree, but OP hasn’t said much about his own finances beyond the fact that both he and his wife own their own businesses. And that doesn’t make what ex is forcing her DD to do right, especially when she has a viable alternative in OP himself. She clearly doesn’t want him to have DD all the time as she will lose his contribution - she may well find that that happens anyway as OP has said he doesn’t trust the grandmother to spend his money on DD.

We only ever get one side of the story on MN - that’s the nature of it. The trick is not to project our own experiences and keep it objective in the absence of the details we’d like.

How l use do you live to each other?

I know it put you out but could offer to collect dd before mums nightshift and the return her in the morning? Offer ex some alternatives. Pointing out that dd cannot live a week in a house without a room or a bed

OFGS!!!

I'd also be inclined to report her mother for benefit fraud, because you can bet she's not reported to HMRC that she no longer has the child living with her.. or reported the change to UC either.

Are you in the UK? If so, and DD is now living with her grandma 50% then it’s kinship Care. Time to instruct a solicitor Id say.

Have you actually read the OP or any of his updates ?The daughter is not in the ex partners care. She has handed the daughter to her mother and will visit occasionally. Thats not being a parent. A child living in grim circumstances, with no private space, no bed and being subjected to breath someone else's toxic smoke should most definitely not be applauded

Then the other, available parent should look after her. Can’t believe this is even a debate.

ohh.. i see, you're projecting your situation to reserve judgement, and not paying any attention to the actual issue in hand.. which is her mother has handed her over to live with her grandmother in a place where she has no bed, and has to live out of a duffel bag, while mom continues to live in a two bed flat and claim UC & £1000 off her ex.

But this doesn’t come across in OP’s posts at all. He’s paying well over CMS with no compulsion to do so because he has 50/50, and he pays for extras. Ex moved on to another relationship which has now ended, and OP’s responsibility is to his DD, not to financially support his ex wife, who he says is working and claiming everything she needs to, as well as benefiting from his own voluntary contributions. That doesn’t sound like a financially abusive person to me.

@Kreepture Where were they living when they separated? A 1.4 million property? Why is she in (?private) rented? Trust me - very few people are in privately rented though choice due to cost. She could be massively struggling financially but that doesn't make her a bad mother. She may have no choice but to work better paid evening hours.
We only know his side of the story.

OP agree with previous posters that you need legal advice, not a bunch of women on AIBU. You could start by posting in Legal to see if any of the actual lawyers there (filter out the majority of people, like me, who have an opinion but no expertise) can give you a broad strokes idea of whether this is worth pursuing or not (try and get the Alsatian bit right, though!). But for what it’s worth (and I remind you I’m one of the people with an opinion and no expertise) I don’t think the courts would look favourably on a child having a sofa as their primary sleeping area, being left with a grandparent permanently when they don’t want it, nor on the chain smoking indoors. It doesn’t sound like your ex- is putting her daughter’s best interests first and I can see why you’re worried.

From what l can see OP seems to be doing everything he can financially. He contributes to the extras as well as providing £1000 a month on top of 50/50. I don’t think we can speculate on what happened with the divorce without the details, especially as OP has said his ex was the first to move into a new relationship, which has since ended.

i can't see how he is when he's paying £250pw without an agreed CMA or Court Order in place with 50/50 residency.

His responsibility is to his child, he has zero financial responsibility to his Ex.

@CautiousLurker01 That's why I'm holding my judgement to work out if he hasn't screwed her over financially.
My ex-husband lives in a far, far bigger house than me and us in privately rented still a decade on becuase...well...just that. Financial abuse and control. And yep, I was married. Could be even worse for this lady.