Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time here OP, purely because people can’t understand that sometimes dads can be more responsible and caring than mums.

I absolutely wouldn’t want my child in the home of a heavy smoker for even a couple hours, let alone living there half the time. I know it’s not illegal in a private property, but maybe it should be (when a child is present). Second hand smoking can cause serious lifelong health issues for anyone, especially young children. And the bed situation is another huge issue. Definitely fight for full custody if your ex doesn’t agree to it in these circumstances.

A bed with a mattress is a priority a sofa is not suitable to sleep on for 50% of your life. Social Services agree so maybe you better tell them it's ok.

she should be ashamed.

@Kreepture Are you a single parent in rented accommodation like the mum is? How do you manage to pay all of the rent and bills? It is really hard, isn't it?

What you on about? He’s not coparenting with the mother, the mother has given his 8 year old daughter to her grandmother to live with permanently. The mother visits her daughter in a manky smoke filled flat on her days off. The mother is not doing any parenting is she?

The mother has probably met another bloke who doesn’t want her daughter around but she can’t let her go live with her dad in a house where she has her own room, lots of toys and loving family around her because she will lose a load of benefits and the £250 per week that the OP has been paying so she makes her poor little girl live with her chain smoking grandmother in a house where she doesn’t even have a bed to sleep in let alone her own room!

The mother is a vile specimen. She would rather her daughter be unhappy at her grandmothers than happy living with her dad because she doesn’t want to lose all the money and probably piss her new shag off. If you have “immense respect” for this so called mother then you really need to have a good hard look at yourself and think about the reason why.

OP definitely stop the payments to her and put it towards a good solicitor. Your poor daughter will thank you for it.

Well you can carry on now as they have turned into German Shepherd Dogs or Alsations as I prefer to call them.

That isn't up to the OP to sort though.

Why do you assume that the Ex hasn't already discussed that with her mother, and been told No.

I'm sorry, i'm a single mom, and at NO POINT would i consider it appropriate for my children to move in with my parent, sleep on their sofa, and only visit them occasionally when my ex has a perfectly decent house with bedrooms for them.

The mother is 100% in the wrong here. Your insistence on focusing on her finances instead of the childs wellbeing and environment is unfathomable.

I think you’d have a case to argue that your daughter goes to you while her mum is working. Her grandma’s doesn’t sound suitable for her. She doesn’t even have her own room. It won’t look good in court, for her mum that she’d rather send her to an unsuitable flat than send her to her other parent. I’d get advice from a solicitor

@Walkden Maybe mum has no choice? Perhaps it's a case of work evenings or be homeless?

The poor woman, honestly 😢

Coming on mumsnet for advice is one thing but this feels very

'I like to shame my ex to any woman i meet'

"What matters to children most is spending quality time with both parents"

Which is not happening here because the mum has abrogated her child care responsibilities to the grandmother and is now only making occasional visits.

IMO you're on a hiding to nothing.

Like it or not, the facts are

• it's legal to smoke around a child therefore courts won't rule against that

• no matter how often they stay there, its under the child's mother's directive I.e. she is still using her parental rights on her time to make that choice.

It doesn't really matter that you can provide better. Legally, your ex is providing a legal level of care.

That does sound like a reasonable compromise. But it's not up to me.

The sexism and double standards on this thread is appalling. Imagine if this was a mum talking about her ex partner doing this! Of course it's completely unacceptable for a young girl to be sleeping on a sofa and stinking of smoke, she needs to be removed from that environment. Please pursue this legally, she can't carry on like that.

"It is very bad for children’s health and social services might look into it, but no child is normally removed from a home because there is a smoker living there"

If someone with PR objects there could be a very good chance they will be. If it was the child's mum smoking I would agree with you that no action taken.

In this case the dad is putting their daughter first while the mum is putting her child's health and wellbeing in jeopardy. She doesn't even have a proper bed ( again not unusual in UK sadly) nor her own room.

@Digdongdoo So what if granny stays at the flat so mum can go out to work? Sounds like a reasonable compromise.

@Kreepture What matters to children most is spending quality time with both parents. Not separated from mum because she is less well-off than dad.

Of course her rent is important. But if her kid can't live with her, the kid needs to live with dad. Kipping on grandma's sofa isn't good for anyone.
Since you've edited, I will too. It's nothing to do with him being wealthy. We don't even know if he is wealthy. Children are better off with a parent than grandma's sofa. How blinkered must you be not to see that?

you need to find an accredited family mediator, who can do child centered mediation as well.

basically you have an initial appointment setting out your concerns, your ex will then be invited to her own initial appointment where she can set out what she wants, you’ll then be invited to a meeting with both of you present where the mediator then facilitates a conversation (non biased) between you to work out and agree what’s best.

a child centred mediator will also be able to discuss privately with your daughter what her preferences are and these will be shared with you both.

if your ex refuses mediation, you then have the power to take her to family court. If your ex does attend mediation, hopefully you’ll be able to agree a better way forward.

its very common these days for parents to represent themselves in the family court, but I would advise you also seek out some independent advise from a family lawyer.

Ironic that despite your name, you're only here to champion his ex, not his daughter who's living in squalor

I totally see your point.

Maybe you need to revisit your existing arrangements?

I can’t see how your ex would be happy with this current situation either

You sound like a loving dad trying to do your best. I think I would talk to a solicitor. If you go to court, you won’t be worse off. You agreed fifty fifty with your ex wife not your mother in law. Good luck.

In the UK and other countries smoking with children in cars/ building is illegal and exposure to chain smoking houses risks respiratory diseases and COPD in later life. At the very least you should report to social services.

It is very bad for children’s health and social services might look into it, but no child is normally removed from a home because there is a smoker living there:

New research reveals 1.8 million smoking households in England with children
A new report from the Future Health Research Centre published today finds that there are an estimated 1.8 million households in England with children where someone smokes. Regionally the highest proportion of these households are in the East (8.9%) and North East of England (8.7%). By contrast London (6.3%) and the South East (6.6%) have the lowest regional rates.

@Dingdongdoo Of course. Because being able to pay her rent and bills really isn't important(!) Child always better off with a very wealthy parent than one who has to work hard to earn a living.

@mumofoneAloneandwell Totally agree. Yet to be revealed why the finacial disparity. Sounds to me like he could be using that against her when it may be his doing in rhe first place.