Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

Its her grans flat that stinks of smoke

No, ex pissed off some distance with ow and only sees the children about once every 4/6. I wasnt prepared to hamstring myself financially for so little contact with him and moved to a more affordable area. I'm in a much stronger financial position than he is now but it's entirely his own fault.

I really have no experience in this topic, but thank God someone seems to be talking some sense... If it was my daughter, I would be fighting fiercely to make sure she has the right living conditions.

"But she's fine with her child stinking of smoke"

Exactly.

She's renting so would would have to pay for a deep clean....it's cheaper to have her stay at her grandma's regardless of the consequences.

@RhaenysRocks I understand. Do you have shared care of your children as is the case here? How did you manage to relocate? I'm also a teacher but shared care means I can't simply relocate to a cheaper area so stuck in private rental.

Not read the whole thread but mum won't be working 7 nights a week. So why not accommodate her shifts and have your dd whilst mum is at work and then mum has her on her days/ nights off . The fact you've said you're able to have dd full time means that being fully flexible to work around mum (in the best interests of dd) is something you are able to do.
Presumably your current wife helps with 'child care' ( unless you don't work). So I don't think you'll be successful arguing that dd shouldn't be left in someone else's care due to work, when you probably do that yourself.

FFS that was a typo for alsations which has been explained repeatedly. Why are you so determined to find fault with this OP? Why is it "normal" for a council house to smell of smoke? It's not a given and it's not classist to think it's crap to endanger a child's health that way.

OP says the DD has moved in with grandma. That's not the same as arranging childcare.

The mother is working at night & has arranged safe, family child care

What she arranges during her time, is her business.

Unless there is some child safety issues.

Spend less time thinking about your ex & concentrate on your own family.

Perhaps I will go against the grain and say I think you sound very reasonable and caring. I would go via court though. If you cite safeguarding as an issue (a C100 I think) then the court will appoint a CAFCASS officer to do a thorough investigation and speak to your Dd to ask her preference. Having a sofa as her bed and living out of a bag IS a safeguarding issue. You’re right to be concerned about that. I think if you make clear to the court that you can offer all the contact time your ex would like when she is available and that you are absolutely not trying to cut mother out, but that the living conditions offered by mum are not child focused at the present time and aren’t what your DD actually wants. It isn’t a case of cutting mum out, just making things secure and stable for your DD with mum very much involved, as work commitments permit. You sound very focused on your child and with no animosity towards your ex or her family and I think that would come across in any interview with the CAFCASS officer.

How do you know you haven't already? I rented for a year as a SP until I could buy my own place following divorce. It cost ££1450 a month. I'm a teacher. Nothing flash, not a high earner but I managed. Both my kids had their own room, though they were young enough they could have shared. I relocated to afford a mortgage. (Dad not in the picture at this point). Don't paint all single mums with the stereotype of struggling on nmw and UC.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea When you stop being so classist.

But she's fine with her child stinking of smoke.

Given the op's judgyness, and reference to dogs as 'alligators', i would suspect that the home is a normal council estate home which smells of smoke

I suspect there's more to the story and feel for the mother who must be going through it

Edit, yes more space for dd's things would be good, I'd speak to the mum about that.

Oh would you grow up.

Occasional overnights are not the same as living there out of bag . My DD has to do that at her dad's in the school holidays. She's a teen now and hates not having a place for her things for 7-10 days at a time. The ops DD has said she hates the set up at her grans. This isn't about preferring a big showy house or huge luxury, just having a fairly minimal expectation of a bed.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea I agree. Any child having to share a bedroom should be reported to SS(!) * *

He hasn’t said she shouldn’t see her DD. He’s said he will accommodate her seeing her child whenever she can and wants to.

The mother is not putting her child’s needs first. Having her live in a dirty small flat, sleeping on a smoky sofa, having nowhere to put her things, and second hand smoking for half her time is a horrible situation which can also impact her long term health. OP can accommodate her in a safe, clean home. That is the best solution here with the mother visiting the DD when she can, and having her stay at hers when she can do.

"I think that is reasonable. So why hasn't the mother thought of it?"

Perhaps the mother doesn't want her own flat / house stinking of smoke.

I think that is reasonable. So why hasn't the mother thought of it?

I would genuinely be interested to hear the perspective of others who have privately rented as single parents. It would be fascinating.

I don't know where people are getting classist undertones and saying the mum shouldn't see her daughter. Nobody is saying that.
But the child should absolutely be with her dad in a home where she has her own room and her own toys rather than in a small smoke filled flat without a bed or a room.
If this was a woman posting you wouldn't say half this shite and the granny would be called a selfish smelly smoker. When it's a man asking the question though it's all OK. The mind doth boggle.

If what you’re saying OP is correct on the week your ex is supposed to have your daughter she is staying with her grandma now? So she isn’t staying at all with her mum and you’re still paying £250 per week? I don’t say this often but I’d be going to a solicitor. I’d understand maybe 1 night a week with her gran but the full week sleeping on a sofa in a flat where her clothes stinks and her lungs being polluted with smoke it would be a NO xxx

"You've clearly never struggled financially in your life. Or - oh how common - had no choice but to pay a ridiculous amount to a private landlord. It is so ridiculously oversimplistic to think mum can magic up huge sums of money and that, until this "magic" happens, mum should not see her daughter. Classist? Yes."

You clearly don't know what you are taking about, not do you know anything about my circumstances which you are wrong about.

I also haven't said the mum shouldn't see her daughter. I've made it very clear she should allow the father primary custody and visit her when off work ( instead of doing the exact same thing at her grandma's)

As other posters have said this will cost her money so she'd rather have daughter live in squalor. That definitely shows a lack of class ; just not the type you are talking about.

I think it’s such a shame for your dd to be essentially living between three homes. I understand why your ex had handed over care but would seem fairer for your dd to spend the majority of the week with you and then perhaps weekends/ ex’s days off with her.

Really the only way forward here is to seek legal advice.