Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

782 replies

Neil90 · 03/09/2025 13:23

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:57

@Walkden What evidence is there of risk?!! None. No safeguarding.

Whenlifegiveslemons · 03/09/2025 19:57

mummysmagicmedicine · 03/09/2025 15:38

YANBU at all. If it was the same situation and the other way round and this was all happening at dads house, people would immediately tell the mum to stop DD going there.

Absolutely this! I don't know why this poor guy is getting such a hard time. If yoh knew your child was living somewhere where she doesn't even have her own bed, a cigarette ridden enviroment and living out of a bag....you'd protest it! whether thay comes from mum or Dad.

To the op - you sound like a great dad with tour daughters interests and happiness at the centre of your thoughts - hard to understand why her mum would even accept a night job with a yoing child dependent on her. But regardless, I wouldn't be dictated to by her and with this I wouldn't be returning her to Grandma's house. You may then need a court order for full custody.

Make notes of everything.

Good luck with it and I really hope your daughter knows what a wonderful Dad she has!

heroinechic · 03/09/2025 19:56

I cannot believe some of the posters defending this.

The arrangement has been 50/50 with each parent. If one parent is unable to fulfill their care due to any reason, the child should be cared for by their other parent in the first instance.

This is an 8 year old child who has expressed that they are unhappy with the arrangement. They are sleeping in a sofa and living out of a bag. They are in a one bed flat with a chain smoker. All the while, they have appropriate housing elsewhere.

Children’s interests are paramount. How can anyone suggest that it is better for a child to live like that rather than with a resident parent? It’s not as though they won’t be able to see their mother. OP has said this will be ok without restriction.

Walkden · 03/09/2025 19:55

"My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element"

  1. Bed sharing is not what's happening. The daughter is relegated to the sofa.
  2. You will be aware that there are safeguarding issues described by the OP. There is a real risk of neglect, physical and emotional harm.
everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:55

@Digdongdoo EXACTLY.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:54

@Digdongdoo I bedshare with my daughter as she jumps in every night. She also doesn't have her own room. Nope - not a safeguarding.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:53

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:52

@Kreepture Put a bed in gran's flat. Simples.

Still not a substitute for living with a parent.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:53

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:51

@Digdongdoo My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element. A bio grandmother bedsharing with her young granddaughter is not a safeguarding issue. In fact, in many cultures it is the societal norm.

So does mine. And bedsharing, in certain scenarios would absolutely be a safeguarding concern. But like I said, it isn't always.
It's also irrelevant because it isn't happening here.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:52

@Kreepture Put a bed in gran's flat. Simples.

SaySomethingMan · 03/09/2025 19:52

Please fight for your daughter. Hope you manage to get her to live with you full time.
Is your wife happy with her staying with you full time btw?

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:51

@Digdongdoo My profession involves child safeguarding as a core element. A bio grandmother bedsharing with her young granddaughter is not a safeguarding issue. In fact, in many cultures it is the societal norm.

WalkDontWalk · 03/09/2025 19:50

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:46

@WalkDontWalk Again, bedsharing is a valid choice, especially in a one-bed flat. In no way a safeguarding. What's the alternative?

Bedsharing is not being suggested by the mum, is it? Sofa-surfing is what's being suggested.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:49

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:48

@Kreepture The courts won't see dad having a bigger home as a reason for child not to live with mum.

The child isn't living with her mum, she's living with her grandmother and sleeping on a fucking sofa.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:49

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:46

@WalkDontWalk Again, bedsharing is a valid choice, especially in a one-bed flat. In no way a safeguarding. What's the alternative?

Of course bed sharing can be a safeguarding issue. It isn't always, but it absolutely can be.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:48

@Kreepture The courts won't see dad having a bigger home as a reason for child not to live with mum.

InMyShowgirlEra · 03/09/2025 19:47

BlueMilkshake · 03/09/2025 19:00

The mother is working at night & has arranged safe, family child care

What she arranges during her time, is her business.

Unless there is some child safety issues.

Spend less time thinking about your ex & concentrate on your own family.

Sleeping on a sofa in a dirty, smoke filled flat isn't safe or appropriate.

It's frankly disgraceful how many people are prioritising the mother's "rights" over the child's right, to a bed, to a space to play indoors or outdoors, to a clean, safe environment, to healthy air not full of toxins.

The mother has responsibilities that she's not meeting.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:46

@WalkDontWalk Again, bedsharing is a valid choice, especially in a one-bed flat. In no way a safeguarding. What's the alternative?

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:46

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:41

@Digdongdoo They have.* *

Maybe use the quote function and we could all see?
People have referenced the bedroom she has at dads. But that's not the same as saying she must have her own bedroom.

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:46

WalkDontWalk · 03/09/2025 19:43

So how does that work?

Grandma goes to bed at seven-year-old's bedtime, to free up the living room? If she has company, does the kid go to bed in grandma's bed and 'I'll move you later'? Where does she keep her stuff - school uniform, mufti? In the living room? In the hall?

This is not a sleepover. It's all seven nights every other week. So the same standards apply as they would if she were living there fulltime.

Would you settle for having your child always sleep in the living room, if there were an alternative - which, in this case, there is?

Show quote history

That's all stuff Social Services would love to know, i'm sure.

I don't understand why anyone is defending it as being better than her staying at her dads.

JenniferBooth · 03/09/2025 19:44

Walkden · 03/09/2025 18:39

" incredibly classist. And a little bit disgusting tbh. A mother who works to support her child is a bad one?!!!"

Class has nothing to do with it. Plenty of working class people out their children first and sleep on a sofa themselves so the child can have a bed.

You are overlooking the health/ neglect of a child because of your outrageous misandry. Disgusting indeed.

Edited

Going by the way the OP described the area the grandma lives in id say class does come into it.

WalkDontWalk · 03/09/2025 19:43

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:39

she isn't sharing a room though, She's sleeping on the sofa in the living room.

Show quote history

So how does that work?

Grandma goes to bed at seven-year-old's bedtime, to free up the living room? If she has company, does the kid go to bed in grandma's bed and 'I'll move you later'? Where does she keep her stuff - school uniform, mufti? In the living room? In the hall?

This is not a sleepover. It's all seven nights every other week. So the same standards apply as they would if she were living there fulltime.

Would you settle for having your child always sleep in the living room, if there were an alternative - which, in this case, there is?

Kreepture · 03/09/2025 19:43

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:40

@Kreepture Again, not a safeguarding issue. Although gran could get a bed for her.

not safeguarding, but trust me, social services would have something to say about it.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:43

@missy111 Easily rectifiable.

missy111 · 03/09/2025 19:42

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:38

@missy111 Agree with everything you have said. I am disagreeing with the posters that believe it is imperative for a child to have their own bedroom. Sharing a room with one's maternal grandma wouldn't be a safeguarding.

he stated she was sleeping on the sofa, not bed sharing.

everychildmatters · 03/09/2025 19:41

@Digdongdoo They have.* *

Swipe left for the next trending thread