Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

You need to engage a shit hot family lawyer immediately OP

Shocked by how many people have responded that the ex has a right to do this. It's not childcare if it's full-time surely? And the child doesn't even have a bed? (Aside from the smoking aspect.) I've got full custody of my kids but surely I can't just hand them over to a family member instead of looking after them myself if the custody says I'm the carer? It'd be different if the care was only while the ex is working, but that's not the case here.

I wonder how different the responses would be if this was a mum wanting advice on her ex leaving their daughter at her grandpa's place full time, where the kid slept on the sofa in a smoke-filled room. What's the point of shared custody if you're not sharing it?!

OP, I hope your ex chooses to do the right thing for your daughter. It should always be about the child, not the parent whether that parent is the dad or the mum.

Neil you sound like a great dad. I'm absolutely astounded by some of the replies you've had on here. There are of course always two sides to every story and we don't have all the details of your previous relationship but what you have described in your posts is absolutely not an acceptable living arrangement for a child and mores to the point your child is unhappy. I find it hard to hear when mothers are prepared to palm off their kids like that. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
I don't have any advice really other than do what you have to do to protect your daughter because most people on here would do the same if the roles were reversed.

I think that she is a woman pushed to the brink by the op

I am going to go against the grain here. Why does the child need to be exposed to second hand smoke several nights a week in an overcrowded property with no bed for her, when her Dad is willing to care for her?

I suspect the answer is money - is your ex worried you would seek maintenance she can't afford?

Op - I am willing to bet if you offered to have your daughter for those nights but would not seek any maintenance, you might come to an agreement.

No, she is a shit parent for saying that she doesn’t want her daughter living with her any more, even on days she isn’t working, but maybe she’ll pop round for a visit once in a while.

THAT is what makes her a shit parent. Not the state of her house (which is apparently fine, she just doesn’t want to let her child live in it with her). She would still be a shit parent if the grandmother lived in a spotless mansion.

Not ideal? It is bad for the child, second hand smoke kills ffs. You haven’t answered the question either have you? You can’t because if you say you would be happy for your child to be in that situation then you are either a liar, thick as mince or a shit parent.

Oh for goodness sake read the OPs posts. That's ridiculous.

OP, I don’t know why so many people are giving you a hard time. I have a daughter of a similar age and there’s absolutely no way I would allow her to be sleeping on a sofa for half the week, in a messy, smoke-filled flat. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to try your best to put a stop to this.

You've missed the fact that the child has said she's unhappy with the arrangement and wants to live with her Dad.

This. And I say that as someone whose abusive (male) ex did keep my daughter without agreement, but that was a totally different situation.

You are justified in doing it. In fact it is safeguarding her, and if that looks bad in court, then it can only be bias against fathers.

The grandmother doesn't have PR. You do. You do not have to take her back there. The school does not have to let her pick your daughter up.

The rest of the post was judgy

What does that even mean?

Oh FFS it was a typo!

@Digdongdoo How are the cats?

such backpedalling before our eyes..

Yeah i didn't say that.
But you said you're not a safeguarding contact, if you're a tutor you very much are. You should know that.

@Digdongdoo I work two jobs. I'm a neglectful mother.

Not a tutor anymore then?

@Kreepture I used to be a teacher. Anyway, I'm off to work my evening shift now. Take care of yourself and your young person.

"I didn't say I was a safeguarding contact"

But you did say that safeguarding was a core element of your profession. You also said you were a teacher

You should therefore be aware that safeguarding is the responsibility of all members of staff in a school ( whether teachers or otherwise) and everyone is trained on what to do if a pupil makes a disclosure to them.

you said you were a teacher, which means that you are a safeguarding contact for your students, and you're obliged to report to your DSL if a child makes any kind of disclosure to you.

I used to be both a Nursery Nurse, and a Teaching Assistant.. i'm also a Youth Mental Health First Aider.. i know what is classed as a disclosable event.

Your continued defence of this situation as 'not a safeguarding concern' shows you really don't have a fucking clue, and need to go do some refresher training.

If a child/teen disclosed this situation to me, you bet i'd be reporting it quicker than you can say boo.

I am not going to read through 22 pages of comments so.........

1. The daughter split her time between her parents this is no longer happening
2. 50% of her time is now spent at her grandmothers which is not what was agreed and
3. Grandmother has a 1 bed flat and daughter now sleeps on the settee. I suggest that the school may well have a view about this
4. Grandmother is also a heavy smoker, nuff said BUT worth pointing out that it is illegal to smoke in a car with children in it. GP/Health Visitor may well have a view on this
5. I dont think that a Family Court judge would take kindly to the OP being hauled over the coals by the mothers solicitor/barrister
6. I am sure that the mother wont have the Grandmother stay at hers while she works because of the smoking

@Kreepture I didn't say I was a safeguarding contact. Take your classist views elsewhere.