My only dc never goes to playdates or sleepovers

I worked when ds was younget but he was forever going on playdates/for tea/sleepovers and we reciprocated. I fact I often initiated the playdates.
If I didn't know the mum, I would give ds a note to pass to the friend and then the friendr would give it to their mum. Just a friendly note saying my ds would like to invite X over to play etc and my name and phone number. It always worked and that way I got to know the parents well enough to make arrangements going forward.

I’d say yes. Time to get mum contact details and invite some friends over.
Good luck! x

If you don't know the parents give your child a piece of paper with your phone number on it. Tell them to ask a friend of they'd like to meet up, they can give your number to their mum. You can then arrange something. That's what we've done with the parents we don't know.

Why don't you ask her friends for a playdate.

I have a ten year old and would only allow sleepovers or play dates with parents I know. If I hadn't met the parent it wouldn't happen. Maybe invite another couple of mums around for a coffee?

What do you think she is missing out on?
Does she get invited to parties from school friends?

From everything you have said it sounds like she is busy and sociable. While you don't do playdates after school you mention both grandmother's take her to the park, and that she plays with school friends there. This is effectively a playdate situation for lots of children. What do you think would be different having a friend in your house or her going to theirs?

I'm super proactive about playdates and have extra children around far more often than my kids are elsewhere - just to say that there are plenty of families who can't / don't host and that's fine! She sounds busy and social and active and unless she's unhappy about something there's really no problem.

I can only host Fridays as I'm working otherwise and the kids are home alone (one in high school) or at after school club. Evenings are chaos during the week but my son usually sees someone at some point on the weekends - often just by playing out with our neighbours. I wouldn't stress it unless she's mentioned it.

Practically speaking though I would start by giving my child a note for the other child with my info on it. Then when the other parent texted I'd set it up. At 9 no one is bothered by dropping off but if you haven't met each other at all yet, probably best to say hi at least. Once you start inviting, you'll possibly start getting invited and you'll want to work out if you have any thoughts on things you wouldn't want your child to be around (my daughter had bad asthma at that age so I'd ask about smoking - never was a problem but if she wanted to go to a smoking family I'd have likely just offered for them to come to ours instead)

But mostly I think she's fine and plenty busy and isn't missing out on anything.

Is there no class WhatsApp group or similar for you to ask about parent contact details?
You start by asking your DD who she wants to invite for a play date. Then get her to point her out at pick up you or the GP doing the pick up and you ask the parent for contact details.

I wasn’t being unkind. I don’t know what else is going on. I’m just saying I find it highly unusual. Many parents aren’t at school gates, and so invites are passed out via the child.

My parents never met other parents at the gates. I don’t either as people pick up at different times, some do school clubs, etc. My husband does all pick ups, and I drop off in a whirlwind in the morning. It’s usually the children who initiate it round here, not the parents. Ask if she wants to invite a few friends over. Does she get invited to parties?

Well it sounds like she is happy which is the main thing

you’re right that playdates will tend to happen with families that you’re friendly with but at age 9, ask her who she’d like to have over and take it from there. She will very likely get reciprocal invites.

secondly at 9 is she old enough to “roam” and knock on friend’s doors? They do here from age 8ish but I appreciate it depends where you Iive.

thirdly where I am they all get phones in year 5/6- while I’m not entirely comfortable with this it does mean they start to organise their own social lives which is a good thing.

I find this is all very unusual and very very different to where I live. When my dds were in primary school there was play dates a few times a week plus what seemed like every weekend a party. Often by 9 that was a sleepover. I would just invite whoever dds wanted whether I knew the parent or not. Likewise they would be invited to others whether the parent knew me or not.
either times have changed enormously, or there is regional variation, or there is something else going on.

Hasn't she been to any birthday parties? You don't have the contact number for any parents at all? It doesn't sound like she is missing out socially if she is playing with friends at the park after school. It's just when it starts getting colder and wetter, children are more likely to go home to play instead. The only way to initiate playdates is either a grandma invites someone over or you do. It may be easier for a grandma to do it, if you ask your daughter to ask her friend and her parent if it's ok then grandma can sort out the rest of the arrangements.

Do you have a class WhatsApp group where you can contact one of her friend's parents? Once you have initial contact over the group, you can always send them a personal message to try and arrange a play date. When my DC were small, the only way I could manage to have a play date at ours was to take half a day off work - I know I've been very lucky to be able to do so. If that is something you're able to do then you could try that.

Alternatively, can one of the grandparents check with the parents at pickup?

No sleepovers is normal. It is helpful to try and get to know the parents of your child’s friends. I also work full time and I still know them - I might take the odd day off to see them after school, see them at birthday parties or at other events at the school. I have introduced myself in the mornings. There are a few parents who are never there but we have still be able to connect so that we can arrange a holiday club that the kids do together or something like that.

I can’t do a lot of play dates but about 4 times a year I organise big ones where I take a group of their friends bowling or to the cinema or something. I’ve 3 kids so that is quite a lot and the very most I can do.

Could you track down the parents in the morning and do the same.

Has she been invited to parties or invited others to hers? That’s often how I have had contact details of other parents due to RSVPs

Well, surely they know the grandmothers who do drop offs and pick ups, and who would be supervising an after-school playdate? DS had one friend whose parents I didn't meet for a long time, because his maternal grandmother did the school runs. He still came to ours after school.

Isn't there a class WhatsApp group? Get your mum or MIL to check with the other parents, when they're doing drop off, and get added. Then you have everyone's phone number, and can text to invite. Or ask one of the grannies to ask. Surely they know by sight the parents of your child's friends?

It's not that complicated!

I also think at this age of forming more solid friendships, it’s important to do these play dates. I don’t think you working is really an excuse, because at our school lots of nannies facilitate this. If the grandparents are looking after the kids why can’t they do the play dates? At 9yo it’s so easy, the kids just do their own thing and just need to give them a snack/ dinner

My daughter is 8 and hasn't even, she's never been invited, as for sleepovers I wouldn't send her on one anyway

We don’t do weekend play dates as that is more of a bother than anything. We do one a week and that seems to be the norm for most of my 9yo class too.

my dc finishes school at 3:30 and then does a school club. It’s home and then homework, dinner etc. We usually do it on a Thursday/ Friday as that is what most of his class does.
I think it’s important to do these play dates as it does make the friendships more personal being at home.