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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 06/09/2025 19:02

Put a report to social services as elderly abuse is huge. I know of one of my patients who loved to go out for a coffee and cake at the garden center with her long term carer...the family said it cost too much so forbid her from going out ..

4forksache · 06/09/2025 18:55

Can’t you ring Eileen if she’s got all her faculties, and talk it through?

FENAF · 06/09/2025 18:50

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

Nah - I would have made a big ‘scandal’ in your place. He is clearly after the inheritance and such a peasant. I would leav and report him too.

FunBiscuit · 06/09/2025 18:38

I was caring for my mum as she broke her hip we had carers for 6 weeks then I fired them I wanted to do the care as my mother wanted fresh food and needed help 24 hours the council had the cheek to threaten to take me to court as long as the son can do the care for his mum then that is fine when he tries to do the care and can not handle the responsibility he will be begging for you to come back and apologise

LubyLooTwo · 06/09/2025 18:31

I would write a letter to her telling her (as long as son does not intercept it) explaining what exactly happened and how you were concerned about the sons behaviour. If you don't hear back, no worries as I can't see how you can work there. Perhaps she is being bullied or abused by the son.

Challenger2A7 · 06/09/2025 17:54

He's the one that's stealing, he wants you out of the house because you're the honest person that would notice it.

MrsJeanLuc · 06/09/2025 12:01

Any update OP?

GreatFish · 05/09/2025 23:49

So sad.

Bathingforest · 05/09/2025 23:27

GreatFish · 05/09/2025 22:53

Can mumsnet have an update to see what the outcome is please.

This will be a complicated update if any. Too much grey teritory and sadly the OP is not one of the kisd of Eileen. Now, that would make it a great thread. Poor Eileen....who knows what will happen to her

GreatFish · 05/09/2025 22:53

Can mumsnet have an update to see what the outcome is please.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/09/2025 17:56

40YearOldDad · 05/09/2025 13:03

No love lost, take them to court for unfair dismissal - document everything you possibly can.

The son is not OP’s employer - she has a contract and it’s with Eileen. ACAS need to advise on this because the son has acted illegally and his behaviour, and even just his presence when OP is present and doing her job, could be grounds for constructive dismissal because he has created a toxic working environment. If OP chose to leave, these would be the grounds she would sue on.

Blablibladirladada · 05/09/2025 17:52

ZenNudist · 03/09/2025 11:17

Also YY to reporting to adult social services. Elder abuse us real. Poor Eileen.

Second that. Report. If he is like that in front of her…can’t imagine how he is when no one is there…

40YearOldDad · 05/09/2025 13:03

No love lost, take them to court for unfair dismissal - document everything you possibly can.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/09/2025 12:29

Mustbethat · 04/09/2025 20:58

If it’s a LPA it can be utilised while the donor is still competent. They don’t have to have lost capacity.

LPA’s can be invoked if the donor needs help with everyday tasks such as banking or medical issues.

so it can come into play. The abuser in my family got their relative to sign the LPA and immediately used it to access their bank accounts without their knowledge.

it’s EPA’s that can’t be used unless the donor loses capacity.

Show quote history

The donor has to give express permission each time the financial LPA is used if it is registered for use before loss of capacity. The bank would likely be at fault in your relative’s case for not carrying out due diligence. And the attorneys are supposed to note the permission and keep records of money spent. The whole system is really open to abuse and should be overhauled.

Slidingthrulife · 05/09/2025 12:07

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

This is exactly what I would do - this lady is at potential risk …

FairKoala · 05/09/2025 10:58

If your contract is with Eileen then I would be writing to Eileen about your concerns for your safety.

What exactly were you have supposed to have stolen if he saw you putting something back?

He sounds like the one with dementia. Completely unhinged. Is he going to give up his job to do your job it’s his mother?
I doubt it and the next person that comes in could be a real thief who charms him and robs his mother

He has had it in his mind all along that you or anyone who had come in to help his mother was a thief.

The fact that he jumped to that conclusion immediately when he saw you RETURNING a spoon suggests that Eileen needs to look at her finances and investments and locate all her valuables because I would assume that the insistence that you are thieving is akin to a cheater in a marriage assuming that their faithful partner is also doing what they are doing

I would be telling the other DS this as well. When the first thought is that an item has been stolen instead of misplaced or not immediately in their sight line suggests that this person is the one doing the stealing.

Dragonflydancer · 05/09/2025 10:20

That man sounds like a bully

Kippenbelladonna · 05/09/2025 09:27

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

Absolutely….adult safeguarding!

MeandT · 05/09/2025 09:18

How does not going back help anyone? It just confirms the message that bullies will always get their way by shouting & throwing their weight around!

You have a legal contract with 'Eileen' OP. Her toddler son's little temper tantrum has nothing to do with that.

I hope the visit from big brother has helped pour a bit of oil on the water & that Captain Stroppy is the one that's sent away with his tail between his legs!

Let's face it, if you've got that much access & you're going to lift something, it's not going to be a single stainless steel spoon, and you're not going to choose the day a son is there to do it, OR put it in a ziploc along the way 🙄

If anything, the circumstances speak to how very considerate and upstanding an employee you are.

Stick to your guns & ask the police for a restraining order against him if you want to be sure you won't be troubled by an agressive assailant in your workplace again!

BeAzureRaven · 05/09/2025 01:16

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:23

Yes I have a contract and I'm employed by Eileen.

I love the job and the house but the idea of going back scares me badly. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and seeing him like that today has stirred it all up again.

Good idea on contacting adult social services, will find the info and get in touch.

Spoon is part of a nice stainless steel set.

Stainless steel??? So basically one euro max? I wouldn't go back if you feel scared, bc the son sounds hideous. so sorry.

Politygal · 05/09/2025 00:06

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

Sounds like the lady you look after needs help. If there are LPAs being used, the Office of the Public Guardian can be contacted to investigate their possible misuse. AGE UK may be able to offer advice. Safeguarding services at your local authority.
As for yourself, report to the police.
Good luck.

DAJAZDJ79 · 04/09/2025 23:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BusyExpert · 04/09/2025 23:11

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

what a nasty and unnecessary thing to say.

NurtureGrow · 04/09/2025 23:05

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

Edited

It’s so awful, I was in a live in carer at times (different I know) but I know how hard it can be, and the work you put in.

I hope you get the outcome you want.. and if not I hope you can successfully do them for unfair dismissal. The nasty son deserves to be put in his place. Maybe (more logically, not talking from anger, in your defence) you come to an agreement with them, with acas assistance. They certainly can’t just tell you to go and not pay you further, when you have a notice period and have done nothing wrong x

HevenlyMeS · 04/09/2025 23:00

My heart goes out to you & I'm so sorry you're going through this horribly upsetting experience
The lady is your employer & her son isn't the one whom employs you, yes? In my humblest opinion, especially considering the lady you work for, was also immensely upset, so much so she was in tears :-
I would like to say, you should be able to hold onto your job & she would be more upset if you didn't return
The fact she always gives you presents, shows how much she thinks of, & values you, too💚I'm sure, it seems, she too, is somewhat scared of her son-🥺
Please see if your lovely self & the lady whom employs you, can continue with your normal arrangements & I'd love one of you to seek some support for someone to stand up to her bullying son's ways
You & his Mum both deserve much better & I'm praying this can soon be completely resolved 💚🕊️💚

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