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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 03/09/2025 14:48

Candlesmess · 03/09/2025 14:39

I would be calling 101 and askimg for advice, think about making a statement.
He accused you wrongly of theft twice, intimidated you and frightened you.
I would tell the police that you want this noted and ask to make a statement so his false accusation and threatening manner is on record.
I would be telling the other son and her family that you have reported him.
AFTER you have contacted adult services I would let them know that too.

He sounds likd a bully. He needs to be on Adult Services radar as he has abuser written all over him.

He thinks he can bully you.
Shine a huge light on him, his behaviour and report him.

This is really good advice OP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/09/2025 14:47

Adult services, take advice from a union and I would report him to the police. What an arsehole. What’s he doing to her when you’re not there? I’m so sorry, how frightening for you.

DaylesfordBroccoli · 03/09/2025 14:43

I’d be careful he doesn’t make an allegation that you have stolen something, even if not true it will be more hassle, although you should be able to assert your rights sometimes it’s just better to walk away.

TaupeMember · 03/09/2025 14:40

Im so sorry that happened to you

Candlesmess · 03/09/2025 14:39

I would be calling 101 and askimg for advice, think about making a statement.
He accused you wrongly of theft twice, intimidated you and frightened you.
I would tell the police that you want this noted and ask to make a statement so his false accusation and threatening manner is on record.
I would be telling the other son and her family that you have reported him.
AFTER you have contacted adult services I would let them know that too.

He sounds likd a bully. He needs to be on Adult Services radar as he has abuser written all over him.

He thinks he can bully you.
Shine a huge light on him, his behaviour and report him.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2025 14:34

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:23

Yes I have a contract and I'm employed by Eileen.

I love the job and the house but the idea of going back scares me badly. I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s and seeing him like that today has stirred it all up again.

Good idea on contacting adult social services, will find the info and get in touch.

Spoon is part of a nice stainless steel set.

If you have a contract and have worked for her for two years or more l would look into taking this to tribunal for unfair dismissal. I understand that this would be upsetting for Eileen, but l’m assuming she has full capacity to make her own decisions, so your contract was not with her son, it was with Eileen herself. He doesn’t have the authority to sack you, and his jibes and so called light hearted accusations over the years would be looked at in a very different light by a tribunal. Eileen would have to give evidence that you had her permission to take the spoon and her son would have to provide evidence that you had actually done any of the things he accused you of.

My first port of call would be to social services to report what happened. And it would be today. You need to tell them that there is a safeguarding issue - Eileen is vulnerable and he sounds like a bully - and tell them that Eileen is now without the care she clearly needs. And make a point of telling them about the remarks alluding to his mother spending his inheritance, because that speaks directly to whether he will try to stop her getting future care.

Secondly l would contact ACAS for advice as to whether what the son did was legal and if so, what recourse you have. He’s behaved very badly and very probably illegally OP. Don’t let him get away with it.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:33

BusMumsHoliday · 03/09/2025 13:01

OP, I would call ACAS today asap because as Eileen is your employer, you don't want to accidentally do anything that makes it look like you've voluntarily resigned or aren't fulfilling the terms of your position. From your description, she hasn't asked you to leave and unless she lack capacity and her son is managing her affairs, he can't dismiss you. If you choose to leave, that's different, though I'd still speak to an employment lawyer because you at least need to get a reference in the terms of your departure.

I think your plan of calling Son 2 and asking him to ask Eileen if she'd like to continue the arrangement is a good one.

The whole situation sounds horrible and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Good advice.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/09/2025 14:31

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

I absolutely agree. The son is greedy and corrupt, and possibly unhinged. He may harm her by neglect at the very least.

ThejoyofNC · 03/09/2025 14:28

nosleepforme · 03/09/2025 14:26

I’m confused. If you were sacked how are you going back?

The son isn't her employer so he can't sack her.

nosleepforme · 03/09/2025 14:26

I’m confused. If you were sacked how are you going back?

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 03/09/2025 14:25

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Wonderful. Trust someone on here to start picking holes from the get go. I read that as the OP saying she's had ample opportunity to take valuable items in a number of roles, but she's honest and discreet.

EdnaBeveridge · 03/09/2025 14:23

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Oh behave !!

Rallentanda · 03/09/2025 14:21

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

This is such a Mumsnet response

Salome61 · 03/09/2025 14:19

I think she might have mentioned she'd like to leave you something in her will, so he wants you out.

Poor Eileen, he'll have her out of the house shortly. Local woman had a bully of a nephew who chased her out of her home and into assisted living. She took her dog, who wasn't allowed out of her room, poor Tamar. She rehomed him, and fell one morning injuring her neck terribly. She had to go into a nursing home and died shortly afterwards. Her nephew inherited her house and money but she did leave some to the friend who took Tamar.

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2025 14:14

It doesn't sound like OP (or his mother) are safe there. So it's not a safe working environment for you, unfortunately. I would not want to go back to a property where this aggressive money-grubber is likely to be but appreciate there may be financial repercussions from losing your job so suddenly. Such a shame if you enjoyed the set up and had an otherwise good relationship with the employer. Sad

Butchyrestingface · 03/09/2025 14:11

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Oh stop it.

ForNoisyCat · 03/09/2025 13:57

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

coukd you explain to them in a letter what happened?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2025 13:54

Guytheskiinstructor · 03/09/2025 13:38

If Eileen is fully compos mentis and her vulnerabilities are related to physical impairment and age only, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t speak to her?

The situation is obviously complicated and she may need some support, but surely the two of you need to sit down as a matter of urgency?

I agree, Guytheskiinstructor, and as I mentioned earlier, further decisions/actions could easily hinge on what Eileen's attitude to all this is

It is after all her house, and so far there's no way of knowing if she'll say "That will NEVER happen again", or if it's more likely to be "Oooo I don't know what I can doooo"

As for involving the other son, what's to say he won't be similar to his brother and merely join forces with him?

I do agree that a call to social services may be wise, but again surely that can wait on a simple conversation to find out just how the land lies?

PiggyPigalle · 03/09/2025 13:51

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/09/2025 12:54

Why - because they might listen closely to what is spoken (or written) and ask questions when they don't understand or something seems a bit off to them? (In any case, OP didn't seem to have a problem clarifying)

Edited
Show quote history

Why? Because court cases are about the present charge, not the defendant's history. The very reason any past misdemeanors are withheld is so as not to influence the jury.
It's not a question a juror could ask.

GAJLY · 03/09/2025 13:48

That's horrible behaviour from the son. I think what you're planning to do is perfect. You're obviously not going to return to that house, but you should get 30 days pay. Make sure social services are aware, ask for an assessment as she no longer has support.

EmpressSisi · 03/09/2025 13:48

He doesn’t employ you — Eileen does. So he has no right to “fire” you.

Speak to ACAS first about your workers’ rights. People can’t just scream at you at your workplace or accuse you of stealing when Eileen gave you permission to borrow the spoon.

You should also consider contacting the police. No one has the right to verbally abuse or physically intimidate you, or make outrageous accusations about “eyeing up” someone’s inheritance. And if Eileen is alive, it’s her money, not his inheritance.

Finally, reach out to adult social services. Eileen clearly seems intimidated and scared of him. From what you describe, it sounds like he may be financially abusing her to maintain control over her money. Poor Eileen.

DaylesfordBroccoli · 03/09/2025 13:45

I don’t think you should go back, it’s not worth the worry. Report to the other son and social services and start looking for another job.

Comeinupto40 · 03/09/2025 13:44

Hopefully Eileen will phone you once her son has left. I imagine she will apologise.

If she says she no longer wants you to work for her, DEFINITELY call adult social services (and maybe the other son? depends on the relationships).

If she says she would like for you to continue working for her, you can tell her that you only agree to the work on condition that you will not be there at the same time as her son.

TiggyTomCat · 03/09/2025 13:38

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

No it's not at all strange.

Guytheskiinstructor · 03/09/2025 13:38

If Eileen is fully compos mentis and her vulnerabilities are related to physical impairment and age only, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t speak to her?

The situation is obviously complicated and she may need some support, but surely the two of you need to sit down as a matter of urgency?