To ask how she manages to fit in when I don’t!

my kids went to a childminder and she did the majority of drop offs and pick ups, it didn’t affect their social lives and the older they get, the less friendships are dictated by the mums social circle, I know other people made comments about different mums and cliquey ness etc but because I was rarely there I didn’t care and it really is one of those things that takes up as much head space as you are prepared to give it.

I m generally quite a shy person.
Unfortunately my facial features make me look like I m frowning all the time ,unless I am actually smiling.It made it difficult for people to warm to me.
So when I was a younger Mum I found it difficult to make new Mum friends too.Also my DD was painfully shy, so she tended not to have close friends in her younger years.
It can be isolating,especially if only 1 child.But it shouldn't t be affecting you like this.You need to stop focusing on this group. It s affecting your thinking and your behaviour .Talking to other Mums; you re coming across as quite paranoid actually.You say 1 of these other Mums you ve confided in has become a friend.That s great,you have a friend.But what must she be thinking when clearly you re telling her you d rather be in another friend group???
I d advise just to be yourself. It sounds like these ladies wouldn t be very interesting/ pleasant people to get to know anyway.They sound very cliquey.
Stop overthinking everything.It s affecting your confidence.
Your child will naturally make friends and that tends to lead you into a relationship( organising meeting ups,play dates etc) with other parents.
Then there is opportunity to befriend other parents.It sounds like you re focusing too much on you making friends rather than your child.
School gates times are the " busy " times of day.
People rushing to work/ home office/ other children to nursery etc.
Later in the day , desperate to get home to prepare dinner/ chill. Most people are in a rushed ,polite , quick catchup with relevant small talk for a couple of minutes, that s life.
Focus on other friends you have at the moment.
Stop talking about these Mums; it may be apparent to them that you don t feel comfortable around them ; that could be alienating them further.
Be polite, smile , offer some light chat , a quip re weather or something , be humerous and swftly move past.
Stop overthinking the whole situation.
Just a few thoughts to give you a different perspective.
Hope that helps.

I meant to say that many of the kids from DC1's went on to have bad problems. Eg one Dad committed suicide, 2 kids refused to go to school from y10 onwards and didn't sit tbeir GCSEs, another went totally off the rails when their parents split up, one had a baby at 15, another is in prison. That school was in a very respectable middle-class area with view pupil premium kids.

It’s probably them not you. DC1 had a horrid primary class. I did not talk to their mums because none of them would talk to me. DC2 had a lovely class and their mums were great too and DC2 and I are still friends with some of them (and my DCs are early 20s now).

Well, you kind of DID make a mistake in sharing with Bea. If she was willing to slag off the group whose play dates/events she and/or her DC are invited to, it's more than likely she'd happily feed that back to the people you feel 'exclude' you or slag you off to other parents.
I'm absolutely not everyone's cup of tea and there are parents who barely acknowledge my presence, either because they don't like me or I'm simply not on their radar.
I do feel slighted, as I'm highly anxious and insecure (I'm AuDHD and crowds of people are very challenging for me; my DC attend a large primary, so the playground is sensory hell at pick up).
But, there are quite a few Mums and Dads who do say hi, whom I shoot the breeze with, many of whom are similarly socially awkward and not necessarily part of a 'group'.
For Juniors, it might be better to give your social standing on the playground less headspace and focus on the people who do converse in passing and the parents/carers of your son's actual friends. * *

3 adult DC, youngest begins university next week. All had lovely friends throughout school. I worked part-time when DC were in infant school.
I would always volunteer to 'help' with anything school related when I could. This served the purpose of getting to see the behaviour of prospective play date away from their parents. Whilst I'd never be rude, there were definitely times I swerved invites from other mums after seeing their DC being less than sweetness and light.

I made a lot if friends at the school gate. Well, since I was a sahm let's say I was very popular because people needed help to fetch their kids😅. Have only kept one friend from my dcs primary...

Trust no one where opinions are concerned , there are too many gossipy people ready to shit stir at the school gates
We have just gone into year 5 and from reception to now ive learnt that theres very few parents i actually like or want to have anything to do with
Its even better now that the children are old enough to make their own way in and out of school so i dont need to see any of them
Happy days

You ok?

I made one mum friend in 36 years. At nursery.
I always worked , don’t think I’ve ever chatted to a school mum in the playground. My child socialised plenty. Went to clubs , childminders other kids.

wow, it's that what you are taking from the post you are replying to?

People have a life, and it's not their job to create your social life. But with such a horrible attitude, calling them shallow, show off, vile bitch... it says a lot about you! No wonder you didn't fit in.

Instead of resenting them, have a look at yourself, why the jealousy and so much bitterness?

this.

Join the PTA and start volunteering, you'll meet people a lot more efficiently than gossiping about other mums.

It's confidence, why wait to be invited, organise a group meeting with the children some will come some won't. There are some gossipy mums attached to DS' class, I avoid the drama don't get involved in conversations about others (apart from with DH when it all goes wild on the class WhatsApp group), I talk to anyone whoever is at the school gate, I know some of the mums won't talk to others because of various fallings out and it is in places like they are not 'cool' enough. I find it all very immature and ridiculous, if I'm talking to them and another mum arrives I chat to them and use my body language to include them into the group already chatting. I don't care if others don't want them in their clique I don't exclude people. I had one mum roll her eyes and laugh because another had invited us all for her birthday drinks, another said I might go depending who who is going, I had already replied and said yeah I'm free that day sounds good. I know she's had a rough time recently with her daughter's health and could probably use a night out. If I'm free and I want to go i will, regardless of what others think and regardless of who else is going. I also went in with the attitude that these relationships are transient I have the friends I need but I'll be friendly to facilitate DS' relationships

Honestly, you are better off without people who judge you because of the above list of reasons.

Find better people.

The social judging, hierarchy, and class bullshit that mum's at the gate take part in says more about their shallowness and limited ability to think further than having a perfect child, perfect affect, perfect hobbies, perfect friends, all snapped for Instagram showing off.

In reality their lives are not perfect believe me!

They judge you and leave you out to feel better themselves.
God forbid your child has neurodiversity, or you do, or you live in a council house.

These mum's were the ones who were vile bitches back at school. They don't stop being bullies, they just grow up. You find them in the workplace, school playground gates.

Maybe this 'clique' is just a group of friends who know and like each other and don't feel the need for more friends.

"Speaking your heart" isn't gossiping about mutual acquaintances.

If I were Sam I'd be pulling back from you. If you bitch about the other mothers, when will you start to bitch about me...

Maybe that group just isn’t the right kind of friend for you anyway. Sometimes I think a lot of ‘clique’ stuff around school in reality is just a small group of women who get on well and have stuff in common outside of having children who go to the same school. Not everyone has to be friends with everyone else. Friendly, sure, but I have a small group of school mum friends who are friends because we like each other over and above having children in the same class and we see each other outside of school a fair bit, go out for meals, etc. So we probably do gravitate towards each other in the 10 mins per day we are in the school playground. I don’t think that’s a clique but some people might!

I’ve never spoken to some of the other mums and that’s fine. As someone upthread put it so well, my social cup is full. Friendships take time and effort to maintain and I have enough friends, so while I’ll be polite and make small talk, I’m not really looking for new friends as it can be hard fitting in meaningful time with the ones I already have.

You can’t please or get along with everyone.

You give at least two examples of mums who you do fit in, get along, and meet with.

I wouldn’t give the others headspace.

I've never bothered with other parents at school I drop off and pick up that's it . It's always been the same with cliques on the playground and I want no part of it at all

apologies if this sounds hardh but why do you care? Clearly they aren’t nice/kind and no doubt their kids will be watching this….do you really want you or your son around that toxicity?

Let your son find his group and that might be when he’s in his new school 🤷🏼‍♀️ my brother never found his ‘group’ til he was much older and that’s ok!

Honestly, I think some people just are on the look out for being excluded/cliques existing. It's always (sorry this is harsh) a bit hypocritical. Your story is:
Some mums made friends with each other and hung out together with one another more than they did with me, they were all quite similar and had lots to chat about with each other.
I made friends with some other people, and we talked about those mums behind their backs and said mean things.
Then I went for a walk with another friend I've made at the school and we talked about them again, but she said they're actually quite nice and now I think maybe I've been too cold to them.

The reality is, yes they probably have formed a little group, yes they maybe do have similar economic circumstances, or similar interests (perhaps they're not "only interested in skinny bitches", perhaps they actually all just enjoy yoga and clean eating and share recipes and gym info together). This is how friendships get made, we don't all have to invite everyone we've ever met in the playground to every activity we ever do. People form groups with those they get on with, have similar interests with etc. There's probably another mum similar to you going "I saw OP and Sam off for a walk today and they never invited me, they're a real clique, they're always chatting without me"
Ultimately, be kind, open and friendly to everyone, maybe they'll become friends, maybe they won't. You'll naturally bond with people you're similar too. It's very churlish to be annoyed that some other people have made friends too and its really mean to moan about this behind their backs to other people, make judgements about why theyre friends and change your behaviour towards them because they happen to hang out without you sometimes...

You care too much. They came see that and it's off-putting.

Stop talking about people behind their backs, you will be known as a gossip.

Could it be you are better socially on a one to one basis with people rather than a group, especially during the chaos of school drop off and pick up? I too, have a friend who chats to anyone and everyone whereas I find it quite difficult depending on the circumstances. I used to feel a bit insecure but reframed it that it's not personal if someone doesn't want to chat because they don't really know you - so it can't be personal. And if they are clicky and that's not you, then they're not the right people for you either.

Maybe when your DC child starts their next school you could have some things in the back of your mind to say to people while waiting at pick up to start conversations. And if they're busy or don't chat much then it's not personal, that's just them.

I agree not to talk about other parents though, it's not worth it.

Just be nice to people and don't talk behind their backs, they will find out. Very much a situation where if you have nothing nice to say say nothing. You are only striking up acquaintanceships not life long friendships (at least mostly) just keep it light. And someone really might be too busy on a day you asked about a play date, did you persevere and say how about next week or when would suit you?

You have obviously never been in a position where you feel socially isolated and excluded.
All i see in OP 's post is a desire to fit in and that she is struggling with the dynamics of the friendship groups of the other mothers .