OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

I can see from his point of view he's exhausted carrying the stress of earning the money meanwhile you have so much time on your hands you are volunteering. Your setup isn't 50/50, you have a much easier life and aren't contributing the same as your husband. Your children are at school, they aren't babies, you need to come up with a fairer way to do things, I'd suggest you go full-time and allow him to drop a day. You could look for a compressed hours job that way in holidays you only have 3 days of childcare to find (and only 3 days wraparound in term time) and you both have a day off in the week. Your current setup isn't fair, I wouldn't be happy if I was your husband.

How do you know what 'most' families and couples have to do? My family was like this too, but I'm not going to assume that nearly everybody is the same.

And possibly more to the point, the and her husband have previously talked about the set-up and agreed on it. He's now moved the goalposts, and (even less acceptably) is behaving badly, 'exploding' and telling her she's talking bollocks when she tries to discuss the situation sensibly with him.
I do think something might have changed or be about to change with his job that's worrying him; and I've acknowledged already that he might be close to burning out. But he needs to sit and discuss it properly and calmly and respectfully with his partner, not just be dismissive and swear at her.

This is a good idea.

I'd be starting private tutoring on a Saturday (mornings in initially), plenty of demand for that and you can set a really good rate, and leave the 4 kids for DH to sort....😂

Further up in the thread I made this exact point that a woman’s unpaid labour if often ignored by their husbands and she should cost it out and present it to him.

However, I work part time because I have a toddler and we can’t get childcare that isn’t miles away and costs thousands which would negate the benefits of both parents working full time. The OPs children are in school so those days are essentially available to use (I did make the point that keeping a home is a lot of work in many posts here to add). But, when money is tight those are days that could be in the workforce.

The OP has a day to volunteer (so no housework, childcare) which I can see could cause resentment for her husband. If money is tight then it is hard to see the bigger picture especially with 4 kids. Thats my point.

Where in OP’s posts does she say they need more money? And exactly how would needing to find childcare for 4 children (including outside of term time) lead to them having more money if the OP gets a FT job? Some financial literacy would be useful here.

And how about not beating a woman down when you are doing exactly the same thing she is?

Speak HIS language.
pI think you need to hit him with the cost of wraparound care x 4 as well as a cleaner and home delivery for groceries and take away food. He’s not going to chip in with the domestic drudgery.
You’re also going to have to write out all the regular medical, dental, allied health appointments and tell him that he’s going to have to do at least half if not more.
Then kids activities. Sports, hobbies, music lessons, etc.
You’ll do what you can, but you’ll be working overtime to kick off your career so that you can earn enough.
See where this goes.

Most families/couples both have to work full time in order to provide. Unless you are very well off or have access to free childcare, I don’t know many couples with this kind of set up, especially when there are 4 primary school children…

Growing up, both of my parents had to work full-time. I was looked after a lot by grandparents.

WSS

I don’t think he’s understanding you, but (and by his lack of communication) you’re not understanding him either.

You’ve rolled along this way for 8yrs (by my calculations), so something has clearly changed financially – and something potentially severe.

Financial issues can be the WORST for people sticking their head in the sand. Your husband should be treating you like a team member and not as though you are on the opposing side.

Alas, severe stress will often do that in a marriage, and particularly with men who are less likely to have and make use of emotional outlets. It’s a real systemic problem.

I don’t think it’s worth going into all the ins and outs of your earnings, his earnings, childcare costs, working days etc – because it’s somewhat irrelevant. Almost all working families face these same problems, so it’s not the real problem.

The real problem is the communication in your marriage. You don’t know what’s financially going. He’s not telling you. Should you have to go to lengths to expect this basic communication and to be treated like an equal partner? No. But, currently, you are where you are and you’ve got the relationship you’ve got, and the financial issue isn’t going anywhere, whether you’re at loggerheads or not.

I suggests you ask him to sit down with you as soon as you can and go through all the household income and outgoings. Include looking at savings, investments etc too. All of it. Understand, completely, the situation, and go from there.

It sounds like something has gone very wrong with his job and he’s anticipating being sacked or demoted. Therefore not able to bring in the same money he has been, can you ask him how things are at work? Or will he just be an arse?

Would you also HATE to have the entire family mostly reliant on your domestic labour? Because that is the flip side here. And I think it would genuinely be gross to even ask two women in their 70s to take care of 4 young children (including a set of twins) for any length of time.

Exactly this. Suggesting 'his mum' as the answer very much demonstrates exactly how much thought he's put into how this work gets done. Not to mention which sex he assumes will/should do it.

Key difference here - we don’t need more money.

Well, quite. But it seems everyone is jumping the gun and vilifying the partner here when the reality could be quite different. I don’t doubt that OP is stressed. It’s a big life adjustment. It takes time and consideration to implement the right action.

The first step in my opinion would be to try and sit down, communicate, and weigh up options. Not prematurely apply for any old job here and there either. It needs to work as a process and a system for the whole family.

To be honest they both sound understandably stressed and when we feel that way we tend to get tunnel vision. That’s when arguments ensue and it can harm the relationship.

I guess the point I want to make is that it needs to work for both of them, and there is a human on his side as well that could quite understandably be struggling and feeling somewhat resentful as well. These things take time. It’s such a big change and adjustment.

He'll be one of those (almost invariably) men who just don't see the family/home workload being carried by their female partner.

The OP IS doing what she has to for her family. In the longer term she will get a better-paid job. For now, yes, sure, her DH is earning more money, but what she is doing for her family, as well as contributing to the pot, is household work and admin, childcare and the considerable mental load that goes along with all that. If they costed it up with a paid cleaner, nanny/babysitter/au pair, and whatever else, I'm pretty sure they would find that the OP's services come very cheap.

So you’re working PT just like the OP? Why aren’t you prioritising your family more and working FT then?

Is the wrap around care £400 per month for 4 children or £400 each per month (£1600 for 4 children)?

It seems likely its the second one in which case even if you earn £400 per month take home you 'earn' £2k take home due to not paying this. Which is a resonably high salary. And that doesnt even factor in school holidays.

Why can your husband not see this? Is he mistaken on how much childcare costs? Abusive? Depressed/ burnt out and needing a break? Only you can know.

Well, that's an oversimplification. If you have 4 young DC, there is a hell lot of extra work on. Plus school runs and holiday childcare. It's not simply anymore about who earn what but just as much about who DOES what. Imagine all full time working parents would check out of parenting??? I never understood this argument.

Sounds like lots of assumptions have been made here. How do we know that for sure? Many women/people make inaccurate assumptions about men in my experience. How do we know that he simply doesn’t just want some more financial support so he’s not shouldering the burden? How do we know he’s not willing to do more around the house and more childcare?

This is the problem with MN I find that so many assumptions are made, and it can lead to and maintain unhelpful beliefs about the other sex.

Again - some of us would love to ‘develop our careers’ and do something worthwhile.

Unfortunately, a lot of us are doing what we have to for our family.

Id have loved to give up work completely and be a SAHM (and I have a pretty great career in a male industry). Unfortunately, I have to work in a job I hate part time due to our plans. It’s called family sacrifice.

Do you think all men are satisfied in their jobs and don’t have lofty aspirations? I’d hazard a guess they aren’t.

Have you read the updates?

The OP isn't doing 'worthwhile charity work'; she's working towards a better-paid career for herself and her family. It's career development and planning.

I would HATE to have the entire family mostly reliant on my income - although I do have an income essentially we all depend on DH's income, fortunately he is comfortable with that but I could totally understand if he wasn't. So I sort of get your DH's point BUT his attitude stinks, especially if you agreed a plan very recently as you say.

it's not reasonable for him to assert your need to work full time without assessing a. the practical implications (including on him) and b. the financial implications of wraparound and holiday childcare - which may ultimately mean that you working more doesn't bring in any extra money .

(I will say this gets a lot easier as kids get older but you're not at that point yet.)

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your mum to help out once a week if she is reasonably local. You need to ask him to ask his mum realistically how much she can help too.

However it sounds like he's burnt out and in a panic and taking it all out on you which isn't fair.