OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

So basically if the OP was you then she would be allowed to work PT?

What I want is for women to wake up to the fact that men are putting increasing amounts of pressure on us to act like 50s housewives while also now bringing in a FT pay check. Thankfully the OP is unhappy with being expected to be a workhorse for her family and is clearly wanting to have an actual partnership.

An actual partnership involves understanding that there are ebbs and flows, that you face challenges as a team, and there will be times when one person may need more support than another…it’s almost as if that’s included in wedding vows isn’t it? In the OP’s husband’s shoes I would be proud to have a wife who has given me 4 children, looks after the house, is working on improving her future earning potential AND also works PT to provide some financial support rather than treating her like shit and putting her down all the time. But then I’m not an arsehole. I would maybe be proud of her achievements in the face of having dealt with all of the above and PND as well.

This constant comparison, jealousy and tearing down of each other on these posts is awful to see. It’s not a race to the bottom. It’s not a race to martyrdom. We don’t have to see just how much we can take until we break. Women deserve better than this.

That depends on whether the full time partner is (or is willing to) participating in the unpaid shit work child rearing and housekeeping.

if they’re not and they pretty much just put their feet up in their non working hours whils the ither partner has to continue to manage the house and the kids then I’d say it’s pretty fair.

What on earth? You’re asking the partner to take on more hours but in the same sentence saying working 40hrs with young children is asking a bit much .. such double standards

I agree but moving to FT means these are their considerations. But it doesn't just have to solely be camps, they should also BOTH plan to use AL around school holidays etc. Or her OH needs to plan to WFH some days (as he seems to own his own company I imagine it's in his gift to do this?)

It shouldn't be just down to OP to organise and do this thinking but all I'm saying is it's completely possible to do and some posters are dismissing it as impossible with young kids.

But it also seems like OP isn't really considering this - and perhaps is rethinking her relationship judging by some of his comments

Why did OP continue having children too? Surely it takes two to tango!

So what do you want?

Either we aren’t reliant on men and work FT.

Or, we are reliant on men and don’t work or work PT.

We can’t have it all and it’s not misogynistic to say that. The kids are in school so it’s not the same as a mother rushing back to FT post birth and it’s very dramatic to lump the two together. 0-3 is very different in terms of child needs compared to 4+. Both still require parenting but in very different ways. If the OP had a 9 month old then it’d be a different story.

Yes I do switch the sexes because sometimes it allows you to empathise with your partner if you’re in a hetro relationship.

My ex argued for je to go out to full time wirk and he stay home because it was ‘easier’. Guess what he did when we split and he got 50/50 care? He got himself a live in girlfriend who now does all the running around for the unpaid shitwork,

he's jealous. Op is much more smarter than him and he hates that.

What indicates this?

For 4 children even if it's £10 a day x4 is still a lot of money. My local school charges it's not free. It's whether the op can afford that. Her husband needs to get a grip or find extra work until the op can work full time. Working 40 hours a week with 4 young children is asking a bit much.

I would look to use your "housework" day as another working day and continue with the experience job as its stupid to sacrifice that when it longterm increases your earning power. I would also look at how you can expand your current work days (I know this adds issues after school etc)

As a result of loosing your housework day and poss increasing afterschool care you need a plan for how the school runs and afterschool activities will be sorted and also what the cost of any additional care for primary children is and the cost of a cleaner or division of tasks - so maybe kids having chores as well as Dad.

I would look at why he is working such long hours at his job - is it all coming about as he feels insecure and things have been said about job safety - or even his competence (I would wonder given the extra hrs he is working etc).

I fundamentally think unless he is going to be more involved in school & Kids then you save more by working around that than over riding it and trying to work full time.

I am not sure he has sat down and done more than calculate what more you could bring in - so the cost of doing that in terms of what he will need to do or what he will need to pay to be done, gardening, childcare, housework etc. Even things like dryer usage as no longer able to hang out washing, increased shopping costs for convenience food blah blah

I meant holiday camps that run day activities. My 5 year old year 1 DS did day camps when he was in reception. Where do you think all the reception kids go at half term for parents that work? We mix it up so I took 2 days off and he did 3 days of camp the first half term and at Xmas hols we shared time off.

Camp is often not that much more than a week of wraparound care.

But again, OP hasn't answered any questions about their current finances so whether they can afford it is unknown.

You’re correct. Tutoring / teaching wouldn’t pay enough to cover the cost of 4 children going into camp or childcare. She would be working for no extra money or maybe even a deficit.

I can’t stand it when women use the “switch the sexes” argument. At no point would your husband have carried and birthed 4 children in 4 years. You cannot “switch the sexes” in these conversations because of, oh yeah, biology. It’s not as simple as just slinging out a few kids and getting back to FT work is it? This approach is so misogynistic.

He’s abusive, leave him, you’ll get more in universal credits and he’ll have to pay you child support for 4 children. I’m not joking, it’s horrible to say to a woman looking after 4 children that she should be working more than you already are. The way he’s saying it is really cruel also, you are obviously smart if you can tutor but you’ve spent years not progressing at work to incubate and give birth to 4 children. Secretly record the way he talks to you so that you can show his family when you leave if he spins a narrative that it’s you, confide in his Mum etc.

Can 4 year old twins go to camp?
Where I live there is nothing during half term for kids let alone camp. The only time camp is on is during the 6 weeks holiday. If say it's £16 per day per child how much is that for 4 children?
Can they afford to put 4 children into camp daily?

She absolutely has done amazing. And has had the twins a couple of days so I agree her hands were previously tied.

I'm unclear on the job front though - it sounds like shes hedging her bets on an interview for a job she didn't get but was told they will 'keep her in mind' (which we all know is a soft rejection). So she's holding out for a FT job at some point being available? And I'm not sure where it says she's getting the extra experience she was told she didn't have before?

It sounds like the need for money is now but I also agree with other posters she hasn't said what their month to month finances are like and why this sudden need for it.

Men are so spoilt, frankly. My husband is useless at holding down jobs so I have always worked ft but even when he isn’t working he does absolutely nothing in relation to house & kids. Once they’ve left home I’m outta here

Can you find private students for another day a week? Then you would be working 5 days a week (volunteering is work if unpaid, and giving you the experience you need to step up in employment).

He needs to sit down and talk calmly and rationally about everything. Tell him that if he gets stressed or shouts, then the conversation will stop until he calms down.

Download the MSE budget planner. Cost out your life as it is now, then cost it out with you working fulltime elsewhere and childcare costs.

Ask him how the school runs/housework will be split when you are both working full time. No point scoring, just simple factual discussion. Does he intend to reduce his hours once you earn more? so no extra money actually coming in?

You can only make a joint decision once you both have all of the facts.

Yes, I agree that it is often overlooked. I wasn't referring to your posts but more the ones arguing that her OH would need to factor in getting a cleaner etc and so it wouldn't be worth her working when actually most people manage to work full time and do this themselves without outsourcing.

A poster not far above for example exclaimed that she shouldn't work as she couldn't leave the kids at half term. Which is mad! We plan our holidays around half term and use camps etc. It's like some posters think it's still the 1950s and women can't possibly do anything except be at home with the children.

This

This kind of shit is why I won't have a man living in my house. It was easier to bring DS up on my own.

He’s obviously an utter twat and hasn’t thought it through at all.

Has he thought who is going to pick up every you currently do - your updates make it clear that he hasn’t.

Your current situation gives you trajectory for growth into a decently paid role. He wants you to scrap everything you’ve worked on and going into some minimum wage job? What a stupid idea.

And it’s disgraceful that he wants to make a bit of money/ save on wrap around by roping in two women in their 70s who’ve earned their rest!

They have 4 children I think she is doing pretty well. She is getting experience so she can get a permanent role. Their twins have started full time school. Op is not going to find a job that quickly. His idea of dumping their children on his mum or her mum says it all. Op said they are not in the best of health so they can't be relied on.

And from the answers who are all around what the OP should do (like working evenings or weekends with no change to what HE is doing re housework, childcare etc…. Basically asking her to do both tge WFT and SAHM jobs), no one is asking what he could do - find a better paying job if money is THE issue, ask for flexible hours so she can work later in the afternoon, do some tutoring after school etc….

The fact solutions are based on tge idea she should find a FT job AND sort out all the issues coming with it wo asking for him to step up is interesting in itself

And that's great you obvioulsy have a good partnership.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who either don't or won't help. A lot of women work full time and then are expected to run the house as well, their partner happily sitting waiting to be served. Whether it's by design or blindness to the situation it's a sad fact.