OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

I think he is unhappy and realising that life is for the most part especially now in 2025 a grind - everything is expensive, jobs are being squeezed, politics and government is a shitshow on all fronts and he has hyper focused on the OP solving this for him and somehow her working will do this

but it won’t

and won't chip in with school runs

The option of "not chipping in" is not optional if he wants you to work full time. He will also need to 'chip in' with housework, admin, all night wakings etc

I suggest you read all of the OP's posts before you rush to judgment.

But that's what holiday clubs are for. And yes, you will spend a lot of money on childcare for 4 children (though I recognise in this case that twins were unexpected). But it's temporary until they get to the point at which it's no longer needed, and then you have a career and income, rather than starting from scratch.

If the OH is generally a good sort and out of character then the OP absolutely needs a conversation about what the future breakdown of work looks like, because no matter what might have been agreed originally when the younger children started school, it doesn't appear to be working and they need to figure out why.

Very true. However it would still help us better understand how she can deal with her DH.

How has he been abusive?

People throw this term around a lot - it’s a serious allegation.

He’s not “paying for everything” - she is bringing in money, just not as much as he wants.

Personally I don’t necessarily think he’s “thick as mince” just blinkered to a lot of what goes in to family life - whether he’s chosen to be blinkered or just blissfully unaware due to male privilege probably doesn’t matter than much!

You can never fully switch the sexes I think. What ever the situation you have to factor in one of more of - societal expectations, relative strength and size, biology re giving birth, feeding etc So much more I haven’t thought of.

I hate it when posters do a switched sex or gender neutral post - sometimes it makes not difference to who is U but it still means we’re missing vital context.

Fair enough, I missed that post. He’s still abusive though. Can’t ever imagine treating my DH like that and I’ve been very close to burn-out as the main earner.

I think as often happens people have picked the OP up wrong. She did not get two days off to do housework and to volunteer! Those two days off were looking after pre-school twins The twins have only just started school this week!

OP and her husband had agreed a plan for when the twins started school. DH had now gone back on what they agreed and is moving the goalposts. If he was unhappy with the plan he should said so have at the time.

All the posts defending this abusive bully are so depressing.

And yet the supposedly thick as mince husband is the one paying for everything.

Thanks for confirming. She still has 4 children in primary school to consider.

@GreenLemonHedgehog I think here you have by accident had 4 children in quick succession and it would burn anyone out. I suspect both of you have been getting through to the point they are at school as some kind of mantra that it will get easier at that point and in some ways it does but it others it doesn’t.
Clearly it gives more options but what CANT happen is you and you alone are responsible for fixing this and somehow solving his unhappiness. It is sometimes difficult to get into the mindset that for the most part life is just living, it is just getting through the day to day grind with moments of happiness - what needs to be figured out I think is what those moments are.

For you I get the impression it is your day volunteering and specialist training it is that which gives you that joy - what are his what is his thing that can give him that and balance it out amongst everything

and look at finances etc and work all of that are. But say to him very clearly this is looked at together as a partnership you are not wholly responsible for everything and you cannot be responsible for his happiness

He has no reasoning skills. If he was a good salesman he would earn a lot more. He is lacking in communication skills, reasoning and sales. What level is he and is he a learned person. Whats the point in him working for himself if he isn't going to develop himself. The op is better at planning and organising herself where as he isn't. It's not easy finding a job after a long break to raise toddlers. Well done to her finding something that fits around her children.

OP has also said that he would 'happily' do the school pick ups etc but she doesn't want him to step away from big projects to do this so has bent herself around doing the school runs.

I agree he is being an absolute arse in how he speaks to her but what he is asking isn't unreasonable AND it seems like he would step up to make this happen

Op did say on her post on page 3 that he's burnt out. It's not an assumption.

Of course that doesn't excuse his behaviour but it might go some way to explaining it

She doesn't have two sets of twins, to clarify.

Well, those questions need answering rather than stabbing in the dark at assumptions and then building an opinion on those assumptions.

I don't see from what you've written specifically indicates jealousy at OP being 'cleverer' - that's a very specific accusation.

Her husband wants her to find a full time job. Full time work is 40 hours and his elderly mum who has health issues will do all the childcare. She has 2 sets of twins. One set is 4 and the other is I am assuming 7 or 8. That's what he is asking her to do. He doesn't think much of his mother either. He sounds like a catch.

Why are so many posters making excuses for this man’s emotional abuse? We don’t even know he’s burnt out - lots of people assuming. Maybe he’s not burnt-out - maybe he’s just abusive 🤷‍♀️

I have been the higher earner ever since our child was born, sometimes earning over twice my DH’s salary and I pay for nearly everything. I’ve ended up at the Dr’s due to burn-out. Never, ever have I been emotionally abusive to my DH. Because I am not an abuser. There is never any excuse.

It makes sense in theory but given the way he speaks to her when he is under stress that would not be a good solution. They need separate employers.

His treatment towards the op. She is doing everything she reasonably can she isn't sitting on her arse. He's bullying her and he wants to put her down a peg or two. My partner has worked for himself for the last 10 years doing all sorts. He has worked for agencies and insurance companies. I am wondering what her partner is doing if he works for himself the flexibility and the money he can earn. It is hard when you work for yourself because you have to find the work. The op has done pretty well with the skillset she has got in finding work within child friendly hours. What is he doing he can work any time of the day he wants I don't get it.

This is clearly not a reality for the OP, utterly pointless

Your OH runs his own company. Does he employ eg admin people? If he does it would make most sense for you to work additional days remotely for him and get paid for them.

Also I don't think you need a whole day for housework- if you're not at home, things don't get so messy and dirty.

What would happen if the OH came home and said he wanted a day off work to volunteer?

You might not have liked the method in which the message was delivered, but I think he has a point. If you have 4 children, you need income. And if that means paying for wraparound care, then that's what you do - most kids are just fine in wraparound care, and I think it's not fair for one partner to be working their fingers to the bone and be stressed off their tits because the other (usually the mother) thinks that their kids couldn't possibly go to after school club, or that they can't work full time.

Prioritise more work - that way he'll either step up with childcare, or if he doesn't, at least you stand more chance of being financially independent.