OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

@GreenLemonHedgehog I hope that I can add something and will try to avoid going over points that have already been made.

Your partner is being quite unpleasant in the way that he is going about this (especially as your twins have started school this week and you have barely drawn breath). However, the grain of truth is that you probably do need to look objectively at your work and see if it is actually going to 'work' for your family long term.

Does what you are doing make sense financially? I know it is worthwhile in other respects (What could be more worthwhile than supporting the parents of children with SEND!) but unfortunately, having made the decision to have four children (there is almost always a decision point, even though many people don't like to consider it as such for understandable reasons) it means that you absolutely must prioritise funding your family beyond fulfilment, social purpose or doing the work that is most meaningful to you. Ultimately, your first duty is to your own children and you don't have the financial leeway that a parent of one or two children might have.

The volunteering is probably very rewarding and I have done somewhat similar 'helpline' volunteering myself, but I would put an absolute time-limit on it. Perhaps the end of 2025 or Easter at the latest? After a year or so it is already solid on your CV and you probably won't learn much more from the role. If you were at a different life stage then you could continue for years, but unfortunately that is not where you are at present.

Tuition: I notice that you said 'not many kids' are coming forward for the agency tutoring. Are you paid only for the hours that you actually tutor? I wonder if you might be making yourself available for work and therefore tying up your time, but not actually bringing in enough.

Looking more widely, the economy is changing, work is changing and even education is changing. Can parents actually afford to pay for this service? Could internet or AI tools begin to fill that need for tuition? Take an objective look at the demand for this service and how it is likely to pan out in future.

Another way to look at this might be to do something with social purpose, but make sure that you earn the profit from it, by setting up your own tuition agency. What is the gap between what the agency charges and what it pays you? Why can't you do the same? To get a bit Marxist, you would then control the means of production and therefore be able to both earn more and also control your life...

Are you a qualified teacher? If you are then perhaps consider a role in a SEND school, even if it is a TA rather than a teaching role.

There is a lot of competition for jobs at present so I would avoid pinning all your hopes on the SEND job. I have also heard that the SEND case-officer roles for local authorities (if that is the other role in question) are often very pressurised and unfulfilling, because that person is needing to say 'No' to funding provision a lot of the time. Not fun and I am not sure that I could do it...

*

On another note, it's interesting how times change. I have been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I think if a similar message had been posted at the time then the balance would have been in favour of the OP continuing in her present role/family-focused way of live. I think the introduction of the 30 hours of childcare along with the cost of living crisis has gone a long way to normalise the idea that both parents can or should work full time, although it often isn't that straightforward...

He sounds like he isn’t coping well with the pressure of being the main breadwinner.

Why do you think this is? Because this is the real issue here.

Does your expenses exceed your income?
Do you have a lot of debts?
Is his job at risk or is he under additional pressure at work?
Could you work 5 days part time school hours to bring in more income?

On the unrealistic demands you just need to show him why it’s not possible. E.g a full time job would pay X, childcare would be Y therefore this leaves X-Y.

You have zero idea what his job or education level is; it looks like you're coming from a privileged outlook on this, where opportunities to upskill are not only available to you, possibly for free, and you have the learning capacity for those, and you can dedicate the time to better yourself.

You talk about traditional roles, but then come out with crackers such as

' Now he needs to do his part.' and this one

'I would be ashamed of myself for asking my wife to do even more than she is already doing having given me 4 children because I wasn’t earning enough money.'

You've no idea, and the way you're talking, so dismissively against men, then ark on about traditional roles and that he should be 'ashamed' to ask for help from his wife, perhaps he should keep that stiff upper lip or just play his traditional role and earn more money while his wife looks after the home?

I'm not sure which side you're batting for, the traditional men must provide or we're a team and I need help.

It's just another perspective, isn't it?

This man is questioning why OP's job brings in so little so It doesn't hurt for OP to consider why his business brings in so little either.

He also hasn't offered any genuine solutions to their childcare problem.

Oh well done you-did she give you a badge?

Absolutely no clue.

I didn't ask what the problem was, I asked how your advice is relevant.

Once again (and I'm not sure how many more times I can this if you're not going to address it), you have zero knowledge of his work – what sector, what income, what outgoings, what hours, what locations etc etc etc.

The advice to 'do better in business' is vague and unhelpful.

It's about as helpful as me explaining my set up – I have twins too. Worked full time since they were 6 months old. Upskill and get a job high paying enough to pay for childcare. Take on side work in the evening to make up any shortfall. DH also worked full time. Which isn't useful at all.

No, I know my wife does more around the house than I, but that's not saying I don't pull my weight. Bedtimes, showers, etc., it's a partnership. And I never said my wife should be grateful for any tasks I do.

I recently unclogged a main sewer drain on my house. We could have called Dynorod at a cost of probably 500-1000 quid, but nope, I got my old rods out and sorted it myself, I didn't say look at me, marvel at this work i have done, can I have £500 please. it's a job that had to be done as a family unit, and it's a shitty job that fell onto me.

She already has borne those costs. That’s my point. She has already more than contributed to the creation and ongoing care of the family. Now he needs to do his part.

I will never understand why so many men bother to get married and have families when they clearly hate women. Oh yeah, it’s because they think it entitles them maid service for the rest of their lives.

I would be ashamed of myself for asking my wife to do even more than she is already doing having given me 4 children because I wasn’t earning enough money. Maybe less time spent berating his wife and more time spent upskilling will do the OP’s husband some good.

Excellent.

If he's going to 'do what you do' tell him to prove it. He takes the reins and working full time to show you how it's done.

Tbh it looks like you would be better off separating. He can pay CM and you can carry on with your plan. It's a good plan. Then he can rattle around the house working and looking after himself.

I mean, you're just hitting my points home; we don't know what he does or his reasons for asking his wife (assuming they are married) to work FT. And as much as you may hate to admit this, i'd put very good money that many, many families still follow 'traditional' roles - you dismissing a 'bit of painting' is like him dimissing dropping the kids off at school - they both have their value but you seem to think it's perfectly okay to dismiss one over the other - I even said i used hard stereotype for way of proving a point.

You're making it sound like he forced her to have kids, I mean, we don't know he could have done. But if not, she should bear 50% of those costs you so eloquently put across. See how stupid that sounds.

Seriously! I mean how many new doors have needed hanging in your house? How much painting of walls is needed in the average year? Compare that to how many loads of washing, meals to cook, nappies to change etc etc etc. Men continuously overestimate what they do while underestimating what women do. There are literal studies on this.

Give me 70 hour work weeks over looking after 4 children and an ungrateful husband any day.

Yes it is easy to see how he feels unsupported in your example and that is the problem because like you he underestimates all of the petty shit that goes on, the house that miraculously always looks the same, the kids that somehow get signed up for stuff and to places on time, school places that just happen to be there all of that stuff

because he is presenting a bill isn’t he he is saying that he needs her to match his financial contribution and all of the stereotypes you say how often have you done them - the car gets dropped at the garage once maybe twice a year, doors get replaced what once every few years, paint the bedroom similar.

if those are the tasks you think your wife should be grateful for then I suspect you are massively underestimating the work she does

The problem is what he is bringing home ain't enough. He needs to get up and add something to his business that will help grow his earning potential. It will be a few years before op will see 2k in the bank she has children to fit in to her busy schedule. In the meantime what's he going to do about it? Whining about it won't help he needs to get up and look at how his business can make a profit. Op is doing her bit. If he wants to play businessman then be a businessman and work on your business.

How is any of this relevant to OP's query?

I love the fact that you think making the OP’s contributions to the family clear is “petty shit”. And the reason fewer women are going into relationships is because more and more women are waking up to the bullshit and refusing to be a workhorse for a man.

What I would say is “petty shit” is the OP’s husband telling her she is talking bollocks, telling her she is getting an easy ride and dismissing her when she tries to actually have an adult conversation about their finances. And if the poor diddums feels like he isn’t being supported then maybe he can outsource some of his needs to his mother, as the OP is clearly busy mothering their own children.

And if we want to begin with costing up a bit of DIY, I’d begin by costing up the full amount it has cost OP to carry and birth 4 children (including the financial impact maternity leaves will have had on her future earning potential) and then we can look at the cost of a bit of painting.

I am amazed at how many men still expect the women in their lives to be “traditional” mothers and wives and yet seem to struggle with doing their own “traditional” duty: bringing in a wage that is big enough to support the families that they have created. She has done and is doing her bit-he needs to crack on and do his.

It's petty shite like this that fewer people are going into relationships. It'd be like him presenting a bill for all the value he brings. The reactions you'd get if men presented bills for the value they bring to a family. Hang that new door, paint this bedroom, drop the car at the garage, etc. (yes, I know I've gone complete stereotype to hammer home a point) - you're assuming he doesn't pull his weight around the home, etc, you're assuming he works 36 hours a week and sits on his arse all day.

For all you and I know, he's pulling in 60/70 hour workweeks and is feeling burnt out physically and emotionally. It could be easy to feel like he's not being supported.

I work beside my partner in business. We also have 4 children to look after plus ourselves it's not cheap. My partner has never bullied me into work even in times of struggle we have worked through it. Over the years we have developed our business so we can live comfortably. We command how much we earn or how little. Over the years we have been involved in air-conditioning, electrics, gas safe and now surveying. We move to where the money is and we had to work hard and learn those skills. The beauty is we know our worth and we go out there and earn it. It's only in business you get financial freedom to earn what you want and when.

Stop being defensive and look at what's happening.

Something's wrong. Is there debt, potential redundancy? Is he approaching burnout? Is there something you don't know about? Is he ok?

This is supposed to be side by side, not a confrontation.

Now write out every single thing you do to parent that he doesn't do - because he's out working. Every single task, how long it takes, planning, carrying out. Are they all non-negotiable essentials?

Could any of them be discarded? EG Stop doing the volunteering. Fix your own oxygen mask before trying to help others.

Be absolutely clear that if you reduce your hours spent doing these family things, he will have to increase his to compensate.

If you do land a great well paid role, perhaps some of the family money could then be redirected to paid help. Don't assume you can't.

Keep the conversation civilised, businesslike, practical. About the realistic changes in attitude and approach you could both make.

I didn't say she would be?

I said you don't know what he does, what he earns or how many hours he works – so any assumptions on that are irrelevant until you have that information.

The op wouldn't be on here if everything was hunky dory. Maybe he should get a full time job if he's not cut out for business. Rather than bully his wife into full time work.

He's not in charge of you, so cannot bully you into this. You both agreed on your plan of getting back into full time work term time next year, so continue with your plan. It's not his place to change this agreement nor to bully you into taking "any job".

I appreciate he's highly stressed. Is his business not doing well right now, has something happened? Or is it just the burnout alone? (not downplaying that btw)

Regardless on the reason behind this explosion, he has no right to bully you and treat you this way. His dismissive attitude on your valuable contribution to the household is disgusting.

Out of interest, who owns the house? I see you're not married, is it in joint names? Do you have any life insurance policies? If one of you died, would the other get life insurance and be able to raise the children? I just worry when I see women with children unmarried when they have a bully of a partner, as you do not have the same financial protection as you would if you were married.

How often does he explode like this? Does he always bully you when he explodes? Can he ever be reasoned with when he's calm? Hope you're ok @GreenLemonHedgehog

He needs to develop himself. My partner has worked in the game for 10 years he is a sponge and loves education. If he isn't earning enough then he needs to look at reskilling. What's the point in him working for himself.

You forgot that he's also being described as abusive.

You don't have any of this information. You don't know what his job is, how many hours he works or what he earns – so largely that's all irrelevant until you know that information.

He has no experience of OP's routine. OP has no experience of his.

The op is better at planning and organising herself where as he isn't.

How do you know how well he organises himself?

Whats the point in him working for himself if he isn't going to develop himself.

How do you know to what point he has 'developed' himself?

If he was fine with your current set up and future council job plan before, what has changed?

Has your mortgage rate suddenly gone up? Has his job been put at risk? Has he built up some debts you don’t know about??

I think you need to find out why he suddenly feels so stressed and angry when he wasn’t a few months ago.

Also agree that you’re unlikely to be able to outearn the wraparound childcare costs for 4 kids. Although you could look to up the tutoring hours on your 2 non working days. (He’d have to help cover housework admin etc which you do on one of those).